To not understand why this is an issue?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much.

Yes, sorry he has work the next day at 9:30am. I am staying at a hotel with my friends.

Feel a bit trapped over it, really, as when he originally said he would pick her up I was taken aback/ didn't realise he had work so early the next day. So I never contested it. Now I'm afraid it's going to look like I'm spoil it for a fight.

Incidentally, he is out playing Golf this evening after being at work since 7am this morning. But will be speaking to him when he gets in.

You're not trapped. You tell him calmly you're sticking to the plan, having arranged childcare for it. If he wants to change things he can sort out the childcare.

He doesn't get to just end the conversation when and how HE feels like it.

He is making sure you can't drink too much and have to be home before he leaves for work. To me that is very deliberate.

Op my DH was like many mums in that he felt very nervous about leaving her when she was this little and wouldn't have wanted to leave her overnight this young, does your DH work full time? And are you a SAHM? If so I think that sometimes men think their a little bit more delicate and previous than they actually are because they don't spend as much time with them as we do. Is there a happy compromise? Could DH drop the baby back at DSIS in the morning?

Let him take her home after the theatre if he wants.

And then let it dawn on him the next morning that you won't be home for hours. He can then drop her at SILs or miss work - his choice.

You've sorted childcare and he wants to overrule it. Let him face the consequences of his overrule. Don't get involved.

Is it the first time your baby is away from home overnight?

Maybe your husband has a general anxiety about the baby being away from home overnight.

My husband would feel that way.

I'd tell him he'll have to cancel his work the next day then, as you won't be home till well after 8:30 a.m.

He can't arbitrarily make a decree and expect you to cancel your plans to live up to it.

He's set on picking her up as he doesn't want you having too much fun.

Stick to your plans with your SIL.

I think he's trying to put a spanner in your night out. I wouldn't say this if he wasn't working, but clearly he is so it's not like he's saying "enjoy yourself, but I will have a quality Sunday with DC".

I also feel like it sound a bit deliberate to spoil your evening. Have you told him this would stop you having fun? I would make sure he knows (if he doesn't already) that you didn't want to be back by 8:30 the next day. Maybe suggest he organises with SIL that he takes her to SIL by 8:30 the next morning. He needs to let you have free time too.

He's hoping all the hassle will mean you will feel obliged into going home after the show with him and dd. He is slyly controlling the situation in such a way so that he doesn't have to admit he doesn't want you going off to the hotel for a good time without him. in fact he can even look like he just cares so much about dd and he feels reasonably sure you will go look after your dd. The sly man could be honest and talk about it to you, but then he might not get to force your hand guilt free then. its not nice of him.

If he wants to collect your DD in the evening, then I think that is fine. However, you've already made your plans so it is his responsibly to ensure your DD has someone to look after her from 8.30 and if that means he has to take her back to your SIL or arrange childcare himself, that's what he needs to do.

He's not your boss who "lets you" have fun .

Is he normally okay if you go out or does he have previous?

Let him know that he can drop her back to SIL's on his way to work the next day!

Agree with FuzzyOwl

If he wants to pick her up after the theatre then it's up to him not you to decide what to do with her before he goes to work.

You could simply not come home and then what would he do?

I'd let him pick her up but remind him that you aren't staying at home and he'll have to find childcare for the morning and drop DC off. He'll probably change his mind when he realises it will be more work for him.

Given that it will be your SIL who he knows well and has lots of experience with babies. Perhaps it isn't concern with being away from the baby for a whole night so much as a bit of passive aggressive disapproval of you spending a whole night away from your baby. My friend's dh was like this, he wouldn't allow anyone other than himself or my friend to look after their baby for the first two to three years! Both families were overseas so couldn't help and he travelled for work every other week so my poor friend didn't get a break from caring for their child until she was almost 3! She refused to have another child (which he desperately wanted) until he agreed to stop being such a precious arse about childcare.

WTF ? So he's allowed to go off and play golf, but you can't have a night out
He really is just being a nob

I don't understand why it makes you look like you're spoiling for a fight.

Just say that you didn't realise he was working so early and you don't think you'll be back by then. It would be easier for SIL to watch her.

It really isn't a big deal. You're being perfectly reasonable. If he's an arse about it then it kind of shows that he's an arse.

Have fun, enjoy yourself.

Could he just think it's a bit too much of an ask (even though SIL has agreed to have dd). My DP hates to burden people with childcare even if they offer.

Tell him he can pick her up but then will need to arrange childcare as you are not going to be back until 12pm..
And don't cave on that!' He is being as arse..does he have a problem with you going out?

YANBU. Be firm, tell him what's going to happen, on this, your rare night off.

If he wants to pick up DD then he can sort who takes care of her until midday the next day.

I'm just imagining a thread where someone says "DH wants to go on a night out and has asked SIL to look after DD overnight but I'm not comfortable with this. AIBU to pick DD up on the way home instead?"