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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
imwithspud · 24/05/2016 20:19

YANBU. Sounds like he's being awkward. He's known for a month that your DD will be staying overnight with SIL, and it's also not the first time she has stayed out over night.

Sounds to me like he's just trying to be awkward and prevent you from having a night out. It's going to be unsettling for your DD to be collected/woken up late at night to be taken home. It makes more sense for her to stay with your SIL. She can be collected first thing in the morning if he misses her that much.

I would suggest to him that if he is going to collect her then he needs to make childcare arrangements for the following morning as you have made plans and will not be available during that time.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 24/05/2016 20:20

What does he say when you ask him and tell him to stop being evasive?

LaBelleOtero · 24/05/2016 20:20

If his purpose in picking her up is to ensure you can't totally let your hair down for one night, there's no way he'll agree to drop her at your SILs in the morning. Because you've let us know that this romanticized idea that he can't bear to be away from his infant for one night is bullshit.

He doesn't want you to get drunk, and he doesn't want you staying out till the small hours. Ensuring you are home by 8:30 pretty much means that your night ends when the theatre performance does.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 24/05/2016 20:22

Eesh, no worries artless, I'm not for everyone. Don't actually think I said a word of bad against you, just from the bare bones of the story it wasn't as cut and dried as some were making it. Best of luck!

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:23

Honestly, when he decides to grace me with his presence tonight then I will raise all of these points with him, as sensitively as I can. It's difficult to look at it objectively, or even from his point of view when he has been away for the best part of 14 hours and I've had such a difficult time with DD today.

Faire - I don't know if I would describe myself as passive, but I find it so tiresome arguing with him, sometimes. We don't see each other much, and most of the time if I resist something it ends up in an argument. Hence why I'm apprehensive about discussing this with him and why it's potentially festered to something much bigger than it is, because I'm worried it will end in a row.

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 24/05/2016 20:23

Sorry if this has been answered already but I couldn't see it in the previous posts - what is the relationship? Is SIL his brother's partner? Or is it his sister, your SIL? Either way, does he have any reason to have an issue with her?

CodyKing · 24/05/2016 20:24

You have arranged childcare - he's choosing to fetch her - let him sort her in the morning - you don't need to be anymore involved - let him parent

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:26

Op would you mind explaining about his brother and why he won't be about?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 20:26

Ok op, now you have outright said you think he's doing it to control you then I absolutely accept that, and that's rubbish. But i still take umbrage at those who leapt to that conclusion before you said that, and don't think it would have happened had the genders been reversed

^ all of this!!

OP you need to ask him outright. I remember not wanting to admit I was that "over protective" mother, it can be hard to actually say if you don't want the baby left with anyone but parents, especially if the babysitters on offer might take it as a criticism.

A frank open discussion is needed, but if you're feeling that he is generally controlling then I don't mean to invalidate that at all x

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:27

most of the time if I resist something it ends up in an argument. Hence why I'm apprehensive about discussing this with him

Yep, I thought as much. And anything else that doesn't go his way. He's got you right where he wants you hasn't he.

You should never be apprehensive about bringing up any issue in a relationship. You should be able to discuss freely and be listened to.

You are walking on eggshells to avoid an argument which means that there is an imbalance in your relationship.

Personally I would have the discussion, even if it meant an argument. What are you afraid of?

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:27

She is his SIL, so brother's wife.

Cannot see any reason whatsoever why he would be unhappy with her looking after DD. She has looked after her on previous occasions and all has been fine.

OP posts:
AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 24/05/2016 20:28

If he wants to pick her up, he can. And then he can arrange care for her when he goes to work.
It's not your responsibility to rearrange your plans just because he wants to do something different. He can do that, but it leaves him with either needing to get the day/morning off work or arranging a babysitter.

His problem, not yours.

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:29

Will the brother not be looking after her?

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:29

Not afraid of much in particular, Faire, just tired.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:31

But i still take umbrage at those who leapt to that conclusion before you said that, and don't think it would have happened had the genders been reversed

Arranging childcare for the morning has nothing to do with gender. I'm sure that if genders were reversed and it was a woman expecting a man to cut short his very rare night out because she had scuppered his childcare plans, the reaction would be the same.

This is not about him being with the child overnight, it is about him taking away the childcare for the next morning and refusing to make alternative arrangements.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:32

Alternatively OP, just leave him to it and don't come back until the planned original time. He will have to sort it then won't he.

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 20:35

Faire, he's got to go to work, it can't go undiscussed?

OP, you mean tired generally or tired of arguing? The main thing is to establish why he doesn't want to leave DC with SIL really. If he says he can't bear to be away from DC, you can still say fine, but drop her off there when you go to work.

Kidnapped · 24/05/2016 20:36

Honestly, OP, do not involve yourself with any of this.

He has made alternative plans. Great. Let him sort out childcare. You'll be back at around mid-day. Have a great time. Smile

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:38

he's got to go to work, it can't go undiscussed

But he won't discuss it so how can she? Confused

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 20:42

sorry I must have missed an update from OP - he's refused to discuss it already?

I thought OP was waiting till he got back from golf?

TendonQueen · 24/05/2016 20:44

OP, I would just stick to a few clear statements. 'I won't be back by 8.30 Sunday morning, so as you're working, the original plan of her staying over at SIL's is best'. And if he then says again he'll pick her up, you ask what will happen Sunday morning when he goes to work? If he says 'well, you'll need to come home' repeat your opening line. Rinse and repeat. Be calm and focus on the logistics, not justifying yourself. You can do this.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:46

She's said repeatedly that he won't discuss things with her.

if I resist something it ends up in an argument. Hence why I'm apprehensive about discussing this with him and why it's potentially festered to something much bigger than it is, because I'm worried it will end in a row.

It's even in her OP - DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't think he will have changed that dramatically after a game of golf.

eddielizzard · 24/05/2016 20:51

what tendonqueen said.

you've got a great plan. it doesn't involve your dp. you don't need him to pick your dd up after theatre. he doesn't need to stick his oar in. you don't need to justify ANYTHING. you do not need to ask permission.

WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 20:52

no, Fair, but unless the OP wants to do as she is told the rest of her life, at some point, conflict will have to happen.

OP - I hope you get your night out.

GahBuggerit · 24/05/2016 20:57

deary me op. hes obviously trying to throw shade on your night out.

its quite easy, dont engage fully, just say "oh no worries, have you checked with SIL that you can drop DD off on your way to work? No? No worries Ill let her know youd prefer DD to stay at home but youll drop her off, makes no diff to me" be breezy, matter of fact.

i think this needs to come to a head otherwise the fool will try it again.