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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 24/05/2016 20:01

X post curly, OP doesn't say the babysitter was arranged for 4 months! In fact it sounds as if he was opposed to the idea as soon as she told him? Although we'd need clarification either way.

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:01

Or in fact sils other half who is presumably dp's brother

exLtEveDallas · 24/05/2016 20:03

Well that's fine. Not a problem. DH just has to arrange childcare for the morning. Shouldn't be a problem, I mean, I'm sure he doesn't automatically think childcare is his wife's job, does he?

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:03

No, I'm not asking him to be away from her all night. If he was open and honest with me about why he was unhappy I'd be totally empathetic and willing to come to a compromise.

However (please bear in mind i've just spent 45 mins wrestling putting DD to bed so this may sound whiny/ranty) I do feel like it's completely unfair of him to put me into a position where I am being denied some free time. I look after DD all day, every day. I don't get much respite as my family live quite far away. I have been looking forward to this night out for months. It's not about getting pissed, nor is it really about having a lie-in (although that would be lovely) - it's about me having some time away from DD to blow off some steam/see some friends/not be a mum for a few hours. I absolutely feel that DP isn't doing this because he's uncomfortable with her being away over night (FYI she has been away from him overnight previously and he didn't bat a fucking eyelid), I feel he's doing it because he wants to scupper my me time in some way. If he was so concerned he could have made arrangements to remedy that, but he hasn't.

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 20:04

even if it was booked months in advance.. I remember the first year, saying "yes" to social arrangements in advance, feeling sure that baby'ld be fine to be left by then (perhaps over optimistic about the baby's future needs).. but as the time approached not feeling so happy about it and wanting to cancel..

…. most of my mum friends have felt the same about pre-booked things like conferences or hen dos by the time the event actually came around..

but a dad can't feel that way about his baby being left with a non parent? he's just trying to keep the little woman at the kitchen sink Hmm

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 20:05

The night out isn't cancelled though? just the hangover buffer time in the morning right?

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 24/05/2016 20:05

And maybe he's veing evasive as he doesn't feel very comfortable with stating he doesn't trust SiL as she's married his brother. But can't help the way he feels. I'd be furious if my DH planned a babysitter without discussing with me first.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:06

no one is asking the DH to be away from his baby all night

Um, yes they are, aren't they?

No.

We are just saying that if he wants to spend the night with her, he needs to sort out childcare to cover the time that OP won't be there.

What's so hard to understand about that?

exLtEveDallas · 24/05/2016 20:07

she has been away from him overnight previously and he didn't bat a fucking eyelid

Oh well there you go. It's nothing to do with DC, it's all about you going out.

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:07

I made the plans for DD to stay with SIL a month ago. Only recently has he said that he would pick her up after the show. I didn't spring it on him. In fact, I was pretty confident it was all in place and, until he said this, I thought he would be coming on the night out with us.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:08

OP why are you cancelling your morning away? Surely your sil will still be happy to look after her if your dp drops her off in the morning?

LindyHemming · 24/05/2016 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 24/05/2016 20:09

Fairenuff the original premise was that he wouldn't pick up the baby after the theatre so would be away from her all night. So yes, that was asked of him - actually. How very rude.

Several posters since have asked that he sort out morning childcare, correct, but "no-one is asking him to be away from his baby all night"? Incorrect.

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:10

Am I the only one who wonders why this responsibility is sils? And maybe this childcare = woman thug explains both that and the fact the ops oh wants to wreck her plans? (I originally stuck up for him but if op thinks he wants to ruin her night that's good enough for me)

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 20:11

she has been away from him overnight previously and he didn't bat a fucking eyelid

Oh well there you go. It's nothing to do with DC, it's all about you going out

Not necessarily, it's one step to leave your baby with their other parent at home, another to leave them with someone else. Presumably in the instances of him being away the baby was with it's mum?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 24/05/2016 20:11

artless it's certainly at the heart of the matter than you feel he's trying to scupper your "me time" :( You're best placed to know, but the stresses and strains of a baby can fray the lines of communication. Not doubting your assertion for a second but as others have said it's certainly worth opening up the debate with him. Will he not talk about it at all?

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 24/05/2016 20:11

Ok op, now you have outright said you think he's doing it to control you then I absolutely accept that, and that's rubbish. But i still take umbrage at those who leapt to that conclusion before you said that, and don't think it would have happened had the genders been reversed.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:11

OP is not asking him to be away from her all night. Originally he wanted to, then he changed his mind. Nothing to do with OP.

He can do what he likes. He can stay over at his brother's house with the baby or, if that's not acceptable, he can take her home to his.

But he still has to sort out the childcare for the morning.

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:11

There could be a good reason. Maybe they're no longer together or maybe bil is away. But if it is the attitude that childcare is a woman's thing then I thibk thay might help to explain the dp's thoughts

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2016 20:12

Good point screen

mygrandchildrenrock · 24/05/2016 20:14

I don't understand why you have to be home by 8.30 in the morning. Your DH could take the baby back round to SIL for her to look after until midday. Unless he's specifically asked you to change your plans I woudn't, just because he's changed his!

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:15

I actually just can't bring myself to respond properly to you, eatsleep

He has known this night out was planned. He has known that it was most likely going to be a late one. If he had come to me and said "Look, I don't feel comfortable with this" I would have been more than willing to find other options.

As I said, he has been away from her previously, overnight. So I honestly didn't think it was a problem. I informed him when I asked SIL and he didn't say anything until recently when I was going over when I'd drop DD Saturday afternoon and he mentioned he'd pick her up afterwards.

He had made no move previously to discuss childcare. I wasn't prepared to leave it to the last minute and be unable to find childcare.

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 24/05/2016 20:17

If it's the case of not wanting to leave your DC in someone else's care overnight, could be stay at SIL? I'm not sure if it's his sister or what the relationship is as to if that's a weird suggestion or not. But as someone else said, making SIL wait up for him to arrive and then trying to transport a sleeping baby is more hassle than it's worth.

Also, the fact that he's trying to prevent you from enjoying a night off from Mummy duty while he's gone out to play golf tonight, presumably not having seen his child all day, is completely unfair. Everyone needs a break...but that includes you!

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 20:17

Is there any particular reason why you are so passive with him OP? I feel there must be more to this. What would happen if you just told him 'No, you will not be home at 8.30 and stuck to it?'

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 20:18

Sorry, I should say - we have both been away from DD overnight. She stayed with his parents. (Who aren't an option this time as they are away at the weekend)

OP posts: