To not understand why this is an issue?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much.

I wonder if he has some weird idea that baby must be with mummy overnight?

If my dh said that he was going to pick my dd up and take her home my first question would be "Who will be looking after her when you go to work?"

If he said me, I would say "No, I've arranged a night out and a lie in the next day so who are you going to get to look after her?"

But then my dh isn't an arse.

Remind him that he will have to drop dd back at SIL's in the morning, as you won't be picking her up until midday as already arranged. If he wants to change the arrangement that was agreed then he needs to ensure that his new arrangement covers the whole time.

Does he not want you to go out after the show, stay in a hotel, have time with your friends and have a lie-in? This is how quite a few men prevent their wives having much of a life outside the home, by sabotaging childcare. If he's doing that, you need to nip it in the bud.

Maybe he's not comfortable to have her spend a night away yet? People always assume that it's the mother who has this to overcome but what if he's not ready for that? What if you wanted to pick her up to have her at home with you, as you weren't ready to be apart for a whole night, but your husband was being obstructive and effectively forcing you to do it? Bet people's reactions would be different.

Agree with PP, you need to calmly spell it out to him that you WILL NOT be back by 8.30 so he will need to make arrangements.

Yep, he wants you to come straight home after the theatre.

Don't though. He'll just need to drop DD off at SIL's on his way to work. 9.30 isn't exactly an early start.

Tell him that if he's really worried he can spend the night with the baby at his sister's before going to work.

Agree with Barry. You'd sorted out childcare euntil noon the next day. Your job is done. If he wants to change it then he needs to sort it out.
that said I don't necessarily think that he's controlling. Dh might do this without thinking through all the implications. In general he has no problem with me going out, getting drunk and staying out all night.

Ooh hang on its dp's sil. So that must mean he has a brother, is he part of this?

Wow. Anyone telling you "tell him you're sticking to the original plan and he can lump it", just WOW. Admittedly I'm an anxious parent, but if my dp told me someone else was looking after my baby overnight when I was not 100% comfortable with that, I can tell you now NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL.

I'd be telling him you have your night out but will absolutely be getting the baby. Do you know what, I probably wouldn't even care he had to cut his lie-in short and rein in his hangover. Of course if I could get morning childcare so he wouldn't have to, fine, but I am 50% of this parenting thing right here, and what I feel comfortable with is damn important.

Christ, let him pick up the baby. Let him take her to Sil the next day or, worst case scenario, get home earlier.

He's controlling your personal time.

Red flag for coercive abuse.

Over-reaction? Maybe. But watch out.

.

It's his sil and presumably his brother.

Jeez there's so many people quick to assume the worst of this bloke. It's sexist. If a man had posted that he wanted to go out on the piss and have a lie-in to sleep it off but his wife didn't want to be apart from her 7 month old baby for the whole night, forcing him home at 8.30am to look after his child, would people call her controlling and abusive? Bet not. OP, just ask him. If he's evasive, just say "stoo being evasive please and discuss this properly"

DrRan, no one is asking the DH to be away from his baby all night so it's not a valid comparison. Most of us are saying if he can't bear to be away from her, sure, let him pick her up, but he must organise childcare for when he is at work and OP is on her planned hotel break.

This is the maddest thing I've ever read!

Don't you and your dps prioritise each others' peace of mind above each other's right to a baby-free hangover? Having your baby looked after by someone else at any time let alone over night can be a very personal and sensitive thing; both me and dp have the right of veto on this. Even if the other thinks it's batshit crazy we respect how each other feels about it, and even if we don't get it we would absolutely put those feelings over and above our own personal plans.

This is so fucked up.

True he could uncomfortable with dd staying out overnight but OP says it been planned for four months, there's been plenty if time for other arrangements to have been made so that OP gets her night off and dd doesn't need to stay out. Example, he could have taken a days holiday to allow him to be at home and OP can let her hair down, or OP could have gone with another friend with Dad at home on the night and SIL could have dd for the morning instead. ( could this option still work?)

Obviously I don't know your DP, but it sounds like he doesn't want you to go out and has left it until the last minute before cancelling his SIL, meaning less time for you ask him why the change and also making it difficult for another solution to be found.

I get not being ready to leave dc overnight, but he's had plenty of time to organise something else. If that is the reason behind his changing his mind then what's stopping him from telling you?

Does he get many nights out?

In your position, having been informed by my DH what he wanted to do, I would have just said "that's fine, you pick her up but I won't be back from the hotel until X time so you need to sort childcare until then." There would be absolutely no going back on what I had pre-arranged in terms of my night out unless I also had doubts about the staying overnight. There doesn't seem to have been a reason for DP's idea - surely you must have asked him why he didnt want SIL to have DD?

no one is asking the DH to be away from his baby all night

Um, yes they are, aren't they?

It's not an issue, or shouldn't be- he just has to arrange to look after the dc the next morning

Well they effectively are. What if he doesnt trust SiL with his baby overnight. He wants to have her with him as he's not ready to take that step. Why does all of the subsequent arrangements fall on him? Why not compromise and do it together? It feels like it's forcing his hand unfairly to leave the baby at SiL's unless the next days childcare will be simple for him and allow him to get to work. And to say he's abusive for feeling uncomfortable about leaving his baby is sexist in my opinion.

He's controlling your personal time.

Red flag for coercive abuse.

Over-reaction? Maybe. But watch out.

If a mother wasn't comfortable with their under 1 baby spending a night away from own parent(s) yet.. are they abusing their DH?

But, eatsleep, if this has been arranged for 4 months, presumably DP has been in agreement about the arrangement all this time. What has changed, OP? The fact he is being evasive is very telling - if he was doubtful about SIL's suitability or happiness to look after DD, or DD's happiness, he would have said so. I'm more inclined to think that the real reason is something unpleasant. Ie he doesn't trust you, or doesn't think you should be "shirking your duties" a la some kind of 1950s mother.

sounds like he doesn't want you to go out and has left it until the last minute before cancelling his SIL

Liesel, it sounds to me like the night out has been planned for 4 months but not the overnight babysitting! From the OP is sounds like artless asked Sil to babysit (weirdly without talking about it to her dp first?), informed her dp who pretty much immediately said "uh, no, don't think so". Sounds fair enough to me!