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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 23/05/2016 16:33

I find it very hard to believe that anyone would be so utterly cruel as to inundate a friend who is struggling to conceive with pictures of her newborn baby, and then expect her to suck it up because she has a house.

I know OP said she was BU but still, I've never met anyone real who is so breathtakingly nasty.

whois · 23/05/2016 16:34

This HAS to be a reverse? No one has this little empathy surely??

Only1scoop · 23/05/2016 16:35

Thanks goodness Op started thread and decided she was being insensitive.

Would have been awful if friend had received yet another pic and a sarky comment to boot.

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 16:41

I have taken all the criticism on board and don't really feel there is much more to say. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
getyourselfchecked · 23/05/2016 16:47

Wow. You're horrible. Comparing something as visceral as longing for a baby to wanting to own a house?

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 23/05/2016 16:49

Newborns ARE dull though.

I was entranced by mine and my heart knew they were fascinating and the most beautiful babies in the world. At exactly the same time, my head knew they were no more fascinating or beautiful than any other babies. In fact my head knew they were unusually unattractive babies.

Stiddleficks · 23/05/2016 16:52

I watched my best friend go through two pregnancies (sadly she lost one) and has a beautiful baby girl. I was thrilled for her but I burst into tears every time I thought about going to see her, it was devastating the thought of holding a baby when I desperately wanted another and had been trying for over two years with no issues or reason why it hadn't happened. I'd look at her pictures on Facebook and like them and make all the right comments with tears streaming down my face. Please op don't underestimate how hard this is, unfortunately for me our relationship has never been the same again even though I did have another daughter. Other friends also distanced themselves from me and hardly any of my old friends have seen my daughter they didn't want to try and understand. Don't lose a friend over this, she will come round on her own time. Congratulations on your baby.

Itsaplayonwords · 23/05/2016 16:55

my head knew they were unusually unattractive babies

That made me laugh! I always worry that me daughter looks like the elephant man but I'm so biased that I'm completely blind to it. People tell me not but no one's going to tell you your child is really fucking ugly are they!

I do agree with others that newborns do all look fairly typically the same. And one photo is pretty much the same as another. I tended to bombard my parents with photos of my daughter as I knew they were as entranced as I was and it satisfied my need to show her off without irritating everyone else.

FerkTheeesSheet · 23/05/2016 16:56

Right, let's leave the fertility issues to one side for a second and pretend it's a standard situation.

My actual best best friend had a baby nearly two weeks ago, I went to see them today for the first time. Yes, we have been whatsapping, but not everyday as I dont want to disturb her or the baby, I'd feel bad if her reaction was "gawd, I'd just got to sleep and my flipping phone vibrating across the sodding table woke me/the baby up - I/we only got three hours last night" (yes, I know she wouldn't actually put that into a text - but it definitely would be a lot of people's reaction if it happened!) she has a shit ton of people texting her anyway, that was apparent when I was there.
I don't want to be the one pestering her.
And honestly, I have replied with a simple "aw, that's adorable xx" or similar because I have a life too and sometimes being able to write a longer text is something I couldn't provide at that precise second.
She also has her DH at home, me and him get on really well but that doesn't mean I want to go playing gooseberry to their new little family.
She has her mother there a lot too, again - me and her = house on fire, but three's a crowd?? I wouldn't have liked to have three/four people in my house at once, tbh.

Also, from my own personal experience of new babyhood is that a bit of space is nice, I loathed the doorbell ringing just as I had managed to latch the baby on properly then being expected to brew up and scootch over to let them sit down when I simply felt like shit. so now I am very respectful of space when new babies are in the picture. I actually wasn't even going to go til next week .... !

Right, now fertility issues! We struggled to conceive first time and during that time another girl I knew got pregnant, not to mention all the preggos that you see day to day anyway.
It was simply hell.
She was a very laid back sort of person and smoked and drank (not to excess, but still..) I just wanted to slap her and scream 'why her and not me?' We were comfortable and married, I'd already given up drinking for months and she was feckless and flippant and gambling with her baby's health!! I was properly RED MIST angry at her for a very long time - well after my own baby came along even! It turned out later that she had MH problems that I was unaware of at the time and now she is very remorseful about it all.

Of course I know it's not anywhere near the same as your circumstances but I know I'll never judge anyone about the way they handle their infertility and other peoples babies ever again.

Spotsandstars · 23/05/2016 17:07

You are being insensitive. Send her chatty messages not baby related if you want to keep this friendship.
Enjoy being a mum, find friends with babies to do baby stuff with and then non baby stuff with this other friend.
You obviously have never experienced fertility issues or the despair of miscarriage because if you had you would know how to deal with the situation better, that's not your fault just an observation.

DieSchottin93 · 23/05/2016 17:11

She has been struggling to conceive and you are annoyed she's not showing an interest in your baby? YABVU Hmm

Iggii · 23/05/2016 17:11

On a slightly different point, I would wonder why a close friend of ten years didnt know the ins and outs of my fertility treatment. Why is it a closed subject, you are allowed to ask her how it is going you know!

ollieplimsoles · 23/05/2016 17:16

She's better off without you.

How horrible are your updates seriously, she did well be even be around you when you were pregnant.

My sister has no fertility issues but did miscarry a much wanted baby shortly before I became pregnant with dd. I had to tell her in the most sensitive, understanding way I could.

But hey, at least your friend has the house right- grow up, and leave her alone.

OldGuard · 23/05/2016 17:27

Love why don't you reach out and ask her how she is and what's she is up to and talk about her and not the baby ? Try to get back into a friendship track - it will settle down with time

igglepiggleisanarsehole · 23/05/2016 18:00

Congratulations - I know how you feel though, my sister is the same way. She's met DS twice. She's also struggling to conceive so I'm not going to rub it in, I can't imagine what she's going through.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/05/2016 18:12

I can't believe anyone can be so intensive, arrogant and just generally twat like to send photos every two days to someone who has been trying to conceive for years. For fucks sake. Have some fucking empathy, get over yourself and your baby - no one will ever find your baby as interesting as you do.

Your friend did something hugely difficult during your pregnancy to take interest. You have responded in the most selfish way possible.

I really fucking hope you get a sharp slap of reality from this, before your friend is pushed to the point of ripping you a new one. And that she has far better friends than you in her life.

Fucking hell.

cbigs · 23/05/2016 18:22

Jesus guys! Why does everyone feel the need to repeat what's been said??
She gets it finally but you're all still putting the boot in! Hmm

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/05/2016 18:23

She's hurting because you've got the one thing that she wants needs in the whole world, and you want to send her a sarky message. Great friend you are.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 23/05/2016 18:29

Congratulations on your baby. Fertility issues aside, I tend to leave all new parents alone for at least a month. They need bonding time, the less people handling newborns and spreading germs etc the better while their immune systems are so new and there's plenty of time for cuddles later. I know you are probably dying to show her off but I wouldn't read anything into her absence.

beccabanana · 23/05/2016 18:31

You just don't get it do you?? Tbh, unless you've ever been through fertility issues you will never understand the pain and hurt. Just a tv ad for a pregnancy test or walking past a pregnant woman can cut like a knife and you're expecting her to come over and gush about your baby? A good friend would be texting her saying, 'I know it must be really difficult for you right now and I don't want you to be upset, so whenever you're ready just us two could meet up for coffee and DH can have baby'.
You don't 'get it' at all and even though you say you're a good friend to each other, what you've said is awful!

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2016 18:32

The op accepted she was unreasonable some pages ago now.

cansu · 23/05/2016 18:36

You really sound very self absorbed and unpleasant. Think you probably should send that message so your friend knows exactly what sort of person you are. It isn't that hard to marine that someone who has gone through fertility treatment might struggle with your new baby, especially with a friend as lacking in sensitivity as you. Very very strange, immature beh on your part.

cbigs · 23/05/2016 18:42

And still they pile in... Biscuit

wheresthel1ght · 23/05/2016 18:47

Having been in your friends position (17 years of being told I couldn't have kids) it is exceptionally hard to be smiley and excited when your heart is literally being ripped apart X

Trust me she is happy for you but she is also insanely jealous and struggling to hide it in order to be the good friend to you.

Stop being so precious and have some compassion. You are proudly gushing over your dd and her heart is dying. All the pics etc,whilst sent with good intentions I am sure, will be another knife thrust into her and twisted cruelly. Please stop being so unkind! If she is as close a friend as you claim then apologise for being an unthinking idiot and ask her if she is ok. Tell her you know it is hard for her and to come when she feels ready.

Babettescat · 23/05/2016 18:56

I get that it is difficult

This ^^ has to be the joke of the century.