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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 23/05/2016 14:20

Sorry but you don't 'get it'. Your friend is desperate for a baby. She is coping the best way she can and frankly doesn't need cute pics on whatsapp to show her what she's missing.

Understand that she will come when she is able. She did her best, showing an interest and bringing a gift. No doubt she knew that visiting after the birth would be one step too much.

She probably sobbing herself to sleep. Congratulations and all that but YABVVVU.

Buttons23 · 23/05/2016 14:20

It's only been two weeks, most friends give it a little while because not everyone is up to visitors/family are around etc.

Give it a little while. Congrats on the baby

BuonoEstente · 23/05/2016 14:21

Have a little compassion for your friend. It sounds like she's finding it hard.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 23/05/2016 14:22

A sarky message would be very rude.

What do you want her to do? Come immediately and coo over your baby? She's done more than enough and if you were a good friend you would understand how difficult it might for her.

Just because you had a baby doesn't mean the whole world revolves around it.

jonsnowssocks · 23/05/2016 14:22

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

Given that she's struggling to conceive, I can imagine it's very hard for her to see you with your DC. I would say go easy on her, and she'll get used to the situation and come to visit eventually.

Buttons23 · 23/05/2016 14:23

Only just took notice of her struggling to conceive. Be a bit more understanding op, if she has been trying to conceive for years, meeting yours will be difficult.

Original poster
Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:23

Thanks. I are hate that it looks that way but I haven't been ott - whatsapp pics every 2-3 days and mainly of me looking gross so she's not missing out on that! 😂 I'm not smug, I'm just sending her pics of my baby to my close friend. I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one. I don't post much at all to fb as I just want to share my girl with those close to me.

OP posts:
Micah · 23/05/2016 14:24

Giver her time. She's been trying for a baby for over 2 years, which likely means she's facing up to fertility treatment, and possibly never having her own child.

It can be very difficult to be around babies in those circumstances. Especially as babies tend to be the topic of conversation and focus of attention too. she might be worried that people will say the usual stuff- you next, oh you're a natural, that kind of stuff people do say if a young woman shows interest in a baby.

Don't send her a sarky message, unless you do want to end the friendship. Maybe send her a message saying you understand she might find it difficult given her own circumstances and you'll wait until she feels ready to visit.

Pregnancy is easier to be interested in- a baby is real and here, and a solid reminder of what she wants so badly.

ChicRock · 23/05/2016 14:24

Bloody hell, give her a chance.

There's posts on here where the grandparents are being told they can't visit in the first week or two, perhaps she's being polite and giving you some space. Perhaps when she has a baby she won't want you "banging the door down" Hmm.

Have you tried actually inviting her over?

araiba · 23/05/2016 14:24

you are an awful person

do you also send pictures of tables of food to starving people and then complain that they dont seem enthusiastic about your lunch

wake up

hollie11 · 23/05/2016 14:24

It's so hard because you don't know what to do for the best once someone has a baby......i had visits every day for 3 weeks which in hindsight I wish I'd said no to a few visits and arranged them for a few weeks later. Maybe she's trying to give you some space for family visits and time to just be a family, and then will visit? Altho she's happy for you, if she has unsuccessfully been trying for a baby for a while she's probably feeling really sad that she isn't in your position yet and feeling envious. Doesn't make her a bad friend or a horrible person.....how would you feel if the tables were turned? Doesn't mean she's not happy for you.......she's just a bit sad too

TheFuckersBitingMe · 23/05/2016 14:25

Wow, she sounds as though she's trying pretty hard to be there and be a good friend throughout this, and you're laying into her? Perhaps she thought you'd need a little space when you first had your baby (congratulations, btw)? Perhaps she feels a little jealous and wants to move past feeling that before visiting and falling in love with her best friends baby daughter because it might taint her first meet? Perhaps she's super busy? Perhaps she's had a cold and not wanted to pass it on?

Invite her over for supper, ask her if she's ok to visit and that you can't wait to share your daughter with someone so important to you. A sarky message is so far beneath a good friendship, and things never improve once you start down that route. Be kind to her.

Sneeze182 · 23/05/2016 14:26

Are you really this insensitive?? Your friend is doing her best, but it must be truly heartbreaking not to be able to conceive and really hard to see other peoples lovely babies when your heart is aching for your own. Stop being a dick.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2016 14:26

I really wouldn't send the sarky message. You will regret it in the end.

Give her some time.

PPie10 · 23/05/2016 14:26

I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one.

What a bitchy, spiteful attitude you have. You don't sound like any decent friend at all.

NeedACleverNN · 23/05/2016 14:27

I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one.

You probably won't. To you, your baby is the best thing ever. You are in awe of your own personal little miracle. To everyone else it's just a baby. You might feel the same way with others have their babies.
I adore my kids. Other people's children....not so much. Even my own niece and nephew are so far from mind

Lweji · 23/05/2016 14:27

You don't sound particularly caring about your friend and the position she is in.
It's natural that your baby is now the centre of your world, but for her it's mostly a reminder of the baby she could have. She has shown an interest in you, and how you were, which is great.
I wonder how you'd feel in her position.

Give her time to deal with it at her own pace and stop sending photos unless she asks for them.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 23/05/2016 14:27

Stop sending her messages.

I hope she has nicer friends than you, the poor woman.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/05/2016 14:27

Congrats on the baby Flowers

she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this but ...

Sorry, but no , you don't get it.

I don't blame you, i wouldn't have either at one time. But please be advised that she's probably going through hell trying to pin a smile on and choose a moment to come and see and your baby. She'll know full well how long it is since the baby was born trust me.

Original poster
Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:29

Thanks everyone but i resent having to bend over backwards for her (ie inviting her round for dinner) when I'm the one who has just had a baby. I know she's had fertility treatment already but I am obv not familiar on the ins and outs so I'm not able to comment in this respect. She has things I would like (her own home for example) whereas we rent but I'd never have made her feel bad about it. I'm sure she will have a baby eventually and then I'm supposed to pretend that she's totally ignored my baby.

OP posts:
ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 23/05/2016 14:29

Ok, I'll break it to you, OP.

People, with the exception of the grandparents, are not usually as interested in your baby as you assume them to be.

Desist from now on.

Micah · 23/05/2016 14:29

Thanks. I are hate that it looks that way but I haven't been ott - whatsapp pics every 2-3 days and mainly of me looking gross so she's not missing out on that! 😂

She doesn't care that you look gross. She's hardly likely to be thinking "oh thank god I didn't get pregnant because I could have ended up like that" is she? No she's looking at the baby and crying because she may never have that, and looking gross would be a small sacrifice.

I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one

If she never has one then that solves your problem then Hmm

I think you need to be more understanding and stop thinking about yourself. She may never have a baby. How would you feel if that were you?

Floisme · 23/05/2016 14:29

I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one.
She may not have one.
Think about it.

daydreamnation · 23/05/2016 14:30

Two things that I always kept in mind when considering seeing friends without dc. No 1, I shouldn't expect them to be remotely interested in my baby, I'm their friend not any offspring I produce. No 2, I have no idea if they are struggling to conceive, dealing with a recent miscarriage etc so don't boast, over share photos etc Lets face it, other people's baby photos aren't exactly exciting!
You are in a 'privileged' position you actually know your friend is struggling to conceive. Congrats on your baby and all that but please get a grip. Your friend sounds lovely, you, sorry to be blunt, sound insensitive.

BitchPeas · 23/05/2016 14:30

It's not all about you all the time.

Stop sending whatsapp pics especially since she's not even responding.

You sound self obsessed and insensitive. Leave her alone.