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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:
HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 23/05/2016 15:16

It sounds to me like your friend is in a lot of pain.

Her friend having a baby must be difficult for her on so many levels - I hope you can begin to understand why. (Clue - it's not all about you)

hollinhurst84 · 23/05/2016 15:16

You have to listen to what she wants. I had an unwanted termination. About a week later someone gave me their newborn to hold and I sat and cried and cried holding the baby. They let me, and it was what I needed
I can't talk about pregnancy, I can't always pretend to be interested in people's babies, and on a bad day getting a photo would probably make me want to shout F OFF and launch my phone across the room
Give her time

Lweji · 23/05/2016 15:18

Lovewineandchocs
You are right about the name calling. I've reported the posts (and you should have too, if you haven't).

imwithspud · 23/05/2016 15:22

NRTFT but, you say she's been struggling to conceive herself. So it's very possible that she's struggling a bit at the moment - not your fault of course but sometimes a friends new baby can stir up all sorts of feelings when you're desperate for a baby yourself. She may feel that seeing the baby of someone close to her will be too upsetting at the moment.

She may also not want to impose herself and is giving you space and is waiting for you to give her the okay.

I would try not to let this get to you too much. Regardless of the reason I doubt she's being malicious towards you.

Lovewineandchocs · 23/05/2016 15:24

Don't worry, I have lweji

Thanks x

Oh and congrats to OP on your new little one, and hugs to your friend. Hope you work things out Flowers

Jackiebrambles · 23/05/2016 15:26

Oh your poor friend. Give her space and time.

Stop texting her pics/updates. It's not all about you. You've got your baby, just concentrate on that. She'll be round when she's ready.

Itsaplayonwords · 23/05/2016 15:28

Given you've realised that you perhaps haven't been the most sensitive maybe you should actually send her a text to that effect. Say to her that you hadn't truly considered that this must be difficult for her and you're really sorry if you've been insensitive or made her feel worse and that that's never been your intention. Tell her that you understand why it must be difficult for her and if she ever wants to talk you're there for her - that doesn't stop just because you've had a baby, however you equally understand if she doesn't want to talk to you about it at this time. Just let her know that you do get it and you're there for her.

MsBojangles · 23/05/2016 15:29

My little brother and girlfriend had a baby a few months ago, we aren't a close family and we haven't had any form of contact with him for over 4 years. I sobbed my heart out for a full week, not even TTC but the realisation that I'd probably never have a child hit be hard.

I sent a present and card to congratulate them but there was no way I could face seeing the baby in person, it would've been impossible to do so without tears, which would've made everyone feel uncomfortable. Apparently I'm the most selfish bitch around for not making an effort to go and see them...if only they knew.

Cut your friend some slack, let her come to you in her own time when she's ready. It hurts, be grateful that you'll never know how much Smile

EponasWildDaughter · 23/05/2016 15:29

She may not have wanted to talk about her fertility struggle with you much in the past OP, which is why she is vague about it. That's not your fault and it's not wrong of her.

Long term struggling with TTC can take up sooooo much head space. When you're in a dark place about it the whole world seems to be either pregnant, with a new baby or having something to do with a new baby. Car adverts - YAY fit your baby seat and your millions of kids in too! Day time TV - YAY baby food and nappies! Tesco - YAY massive pictures of babies and isles devoted to their needs! Who's walking in front of you? YAY another pregnant person. What's this leaflet through the door? YAY info about baby group starting up. Who's off work? YAY someone else gone on maternity leave. SIL on the phone - YAY she's expecting again. Seriously. It can drive you over the edge. You think of it when you wake up and you're still thinking about it when you lie down at night. It drives you to tears in ways which catch you out when you least expect it. Buying sanitary gear = another failed month. Every month. You feel like an idiot for it most of the time and hide the majority of the pain as best you can. This friend may have had miscarriage after miscarriage. Her and her partner may be rowing over it. Does she want to talk about it with her friends? Maybe, but chances are she wants to chat about something other her miserable struggle when she meets up with you. To think about something else.

Then another of her friends is pregnant. It's you OP. She smiles and brings round gifts. Now you've had what she dreams about (literally). You want to show off your new baby. Naturally. But please, please let her do this in her own time.

MrsDeVere · 23/05/2016 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMySonAndl · 23/05/2016 15:32

Even if she didn't have fertility problems, I think it should be difficult to say something interesting every time you send yet another picture of the baby. At 2 weeks, apart of the changes of clothes there is not much really to coo about. Most of us fake it, at that age they are not particularly pretty and are practically unresponsive.

I'm sure somebody must have mentioned about this before, but as wonderful as you find your own baby, your baby is wonderful at this time because you are full of hormones. In time, you will realise (like every other mother in the world) that all newborns look pretty much the same and are very very boring.

Vixxfacee · 23/05/2016 15:33

You are a nasty piece of work

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/05/2016 15:35

Even if she wasn't struggling to conceive herself, you were being unreasonable. Lots of people with their own children have little interest in anyone else's and some people have no interest in children full stop. Or they might be making sure you're having plenty of rest and allowing your family to spend lots of time together. A lot of people wouldn't want friends round too soon.

Tippy6312 · 23/05/2016 15:35

This has to be some sort of awful made up post. If not, how utterly insensitive.

Mytummyisnotatrampoline · 23/05/2016 15:38

christ, I hope my friends weren't saying similar shit about me when I became a bit of a recluse after they'd had their babies.
Three years of trying to conceive and seeing friend after friend, colleague after colleague, family member after family member all falling pregnant (seemingly super easily, but you never really know) and I was burnt out. I was genuinely happy for them but got to the stage where i was just so tired of celebrating everyone else's good news.
You will not be the only person in her life who is sharing baby pics right now. Yes, she's a close friend and she's already shown that by giving you her attention prior to the birth. Now it's your turn to be a friend and make accommodations for her. you clearly want her to bask in your great news and beautiful baby, and she will in her own time. You cannot expect people to work to your timescale when emotions are involved.
Upon falling pregnant,Not one of my friends ever had a go because I stood back at the beginning. If they had, I wouldn't be friends with them.
Stop making it all about you and your expectations. She may have disappointed you a little, but with good reason.

MsBojangles · 23/05/2016 15:38

I found myself grieving for the family I hadn't realised I wanted

Oh Lotta that's it exactly Sad

diddl · 23/05/2016 15:41

Your poor, poor, friend.

Logically her fertility isn't affected by any amount of babies that anyone else has of course.

But to send pics of your newborn!!

Leave it with her to visit when she feels able-which might be a while.

Let her know that she will always be welcome & leave it at that.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 23/05/2016 15:42

OP, it seems odd that you are so focussed on what your friend is doing. Do you have plenty of other support?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/05/2016 15:42

You have been terribly self centred. I'm pleased you've backed down in the face of such strong criticism but I hope that one day you gain some insight and empathy into this situation.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:43

What the heck is wrong with sending the friend pics of the new baby? Personally I would find it a bit odd if I knew a good friend had just given birth, that I had shown an interest and brought round a gift - and then said friend didn't send me a pic of the baby!!!

Fuzzypeggy · 23/05/2016 15:43

I had a few miscarriages after my first baby and at that time I couldn't even see a pregnant lady out and about without feeling sad and jealous. And I had a child of my own at that time so I can only imagine what your friend feels like op, given that she is struggling to have a child. Seeing her friend all happy with a new baby will just be too much for her to take which is why she brought you a present before the birth. Sending her pictures of your baby every couple of days will be driving her crazy and is very insensitive. Leave her alone and with time she will come and see the baby but that's up to her.

Lottapianos · 23/05/2016 15:45

'Apparently I'm the most selfish bitch around for not making an effort to go and see them...if only they knew.'

Huge enormous hugs MsBojangles. My sister is due to have a baby at the end of the year and I will be facing a similar dilemma. I've had to back off on contact with her because I've been in tears after every conversation. She lives on the other side of the world so only social media conversations but still. So few people get it so you feel like you can't say anything and its a very very lonely place to be x

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:45

She hasn't been 'terribly self-centred', she's been a new mother flooded with love for her baby and wanting to share the joy. And yet she's had a load of abuse on here from people bashing her and calling her foul names just b/c they have jumped to conclusions about her and her friend from a few posts.

squoosh · 23/05/2016 15:45

Her first few posts read as being remarkably self-centred.

monkeytree · 23/05/2016 15:46

Infertility can be truly, truly devastating, I really hope 'your friend' is doing o.k and has people around who can support her. Material things are inconsequential when battling infertility. It's cruel how some people are denied something so precious and yes, reminders of not having that precious baby are everywhere!

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