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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:
Aquiver · 23/05/2016 15:48

Chardonnay has it in one. I understand that your new baby is the centre of your world right now but don't assume everyone else cares as much as you do.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:49

Not really they don't, they read like someone who is in a different place to her friend, at this moment neither of them can completely empathise with the other one but that doesn't make the OP a bitch.

And as for telling a brand new mother that newborns are boring and she has nothing to feel special about Hmm

MetalMidget · 23/05/2016 15:49

My brother's friends have been trying to conceive for seven years - despite all the investigations finding nothing wrong, it just didn't happen for them, not even after several rounds of IVF. So it's a bit optimistic to assume that she'll definitely get pregnant and carry a child to term.

We had also being trying to conceive for two years when we discovered that I had PCOS. Despite being fairly laid back and accepting of the idea that I might never be able to have kids, it still stung a bit when my sister-in-law conceived.

We were extremely fortunate, however - I went on metformin and levothyroxine (I also have a wonky thyroid, yaaay), and was pregnant two months later. I'd be extremely sensitive about parading the fact in front of a friend who I knew was undergoing fertility treatment, however!

Fuzzypeggy · 23/05/2016 15:50

That's is really. It is very easy to think that everyone wants to share in your joy and it is easy to think that the world revolves around you when you have a new baby but some sensitivity to others' situations is required. and the comparison to the house I'm afraid shows that the op just hasn't understood her friends feelings on not having a baby.

blueskywithclouds · 23/05/2016 15:50

Ugh, this thread is so upsetting. As the "infertile friend" I became used to crying in the loos at work after yet another pregnancy announcement. The guilt because you desperately want to feel happy for your friends and their babies but you just cannot stop the sadness. The paranoia of what friends must think of you when you need to avoid them for a while. You sound like the most insensitive person on the planet.

TheFuckersBitingMe · 23/05/2016 15:51

In defence of the OP she's already accepted she's being U and needs to back off a little and let her friend be.

It's not U to be so utterly head-over-heels in love with your brand new baby and want to share that with those you love. Nor is it U to be full of utterly batshit hormones two weeks post-birth which make you a little more U than you'd perhaps usually be. You've been torn apart on here and to be fair, most of us are bell ends from time to time. Enjoy your precious daughter and allow your friend some time to process things. I imagine she'll be a huge, wonderful influence on your DD when she's ready for it.

Uiscebeatha85 · 23/05/2016 15:51

YABU and very insensitive.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 23/05/2016 15:52

Look, I remember sobbing my way up to Edinburgh on the train after I'd been ttc for 18 months and told I needed fertility treatment, because I received a text from BIL and SIL (who I love to bits) announcing their pregnancy. I barely saw them whilst SIL was pregnant and left it a while before going to visit them when my nephew was a newborn. Sometimes it's about self preservation. She'd rather lay low for a bit than come and see you and appear unhappy because seeing your baby when she can't conceive rubs salt into the wound. Don't underestimate how much infertility hurts.

Lweji · 23/05/2016 15:53

I thought newborns were boring, even as a new mum. I knew DS was special to me (still is, very), but I have always been aware that he was just another baby, in the family and among friends. And even though I tried to get pregnant for over 2 years (no IVF, though).

I do feel some sympathy towards the OP, but she did need the reality check. (not with the name calling, though)

squoosh · 23/05/2016 15:53

Not really they don't, they read like someone who is in a different place to her friend, at this moment neither of them can completely empathise with the other one but that doesn't make the OP a bitch.

Not everyone who thinks her first posts were self centred called the OP a bitch. Two separate things.

squoosh · 23/05/2016 15:54

And as for telling a brand new mother that newborns are boring and she has nothing to feel special about

And again, did everyone do that? No.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:56

Not sure of your point? A number of people called her names and a number of people told her newborns are boring.

Fuzzypeggy · 23/05/2016 15:56

I agree squoosh, I feel some sympathy with the op, it is natural to be self absorbed with a newborn and to get things wrong, I know I behaved in some crazy ways during that time. Calling her a bitch, not OK. Calling her insensitive, accurate.

squoosh · 23/05/2016 15:57

My point Rebecca is that the OP's posts did read as being terribly self involved. The fact that some people went OTT with the name calling is a separate issue.

blindsider · 23/05/2016 15:59

Good God - what an appalling thread.

I think the OP has been given an excessively rough ride on here.

MrsDeVere · 23/05/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:59

They read as self involved in your opinion squoosh, in mine they read as sad and confused.

shovetheholly · 23/05/2016 15:59

I hope your friend has other, better friends than you right now!

What bluesky said, with knobs on.

orangebird69 · 23/05/2016 15:59

But newborns can be boring. I say that as a totally smitten mother of a now 7mo ds. I think he's bloody marvellous but I certainly don't expect everybody else to...

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 23/05/2016 15:59

they read like someone who is in a different place to her friend, at this moment neither of them can completely empathise with the other one but that doesn't make the OP a bitch.

yes, but from what's been posted on here, the friend has made real efforts to empathise with the OP with presents and visits, despite the pain it probably gave her, whereas it seems that the OP hasn't even been arsed to look into the treatment her friend has been undergoing for two years, or what effect PCOS has on fertility beyond 'oh, it'll be fine'. I haven't had IVF but when friends were going through the process, I made sure I'd read up enough not to ask stupid or insensitive questions - it felt like the bare minimum I could do to support them.

I think if the OP did make the effort to spend 5 minutes googling read up on what her friend's been experiencing, she might suddenly understand why the reactions she's had here have been so strong, and why her friend has actually been a sweetheart to show the interest she has.

PurpleDaisies · 23/05/2016 16:00

Not sure of your point? A number of people called her names and a number of people told her newborns are boring.

They pretty much all said newborns are boring to everyone except close family members. That's a fairly accurate statement.

cingolimama · 23/05/2016 16:02

I think, Rebecca, in most people's opinion on this thread, actually. Sad and confused? No. Extremely insensitive and self-involved (bordering on cruel), yes.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 16:02

[That's a fairly accurate statement]

it's also a fairly unkind and unnecessary statement to someone who's first baby is only 2 weeks old.

purplefizz26 · 23/05/2016 16:02

You sound incredibly self absorbed.

You clearly don't appreciate how difficult fertility struggles are.

Get over yourself.

Your friend is probably better off without you.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 16:03

*whose

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