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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:

Ogilvyshoney · 23/05/2016 18:57

She cancelled the cheque!!!!

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2016 18:59

KLAXON

The op has said she accepts she has been unrealisable. Bit pointless rushing to tell her how horrible she is now, isn't it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2016 19:00

*unreasonable

harshbuttrue1980 · 23/05/2016 19:11

Its a fact. Your own baby is the biggest miracle ever to happen to the world. Its also a fact that everyone else's babies are a bit boring.
Have you also kept asking about your friend and her life? Lots of people who have babies (because they are clearly the only person who has ever given birth!) become a bit self absorbed. When was the last time you asked her about her job, relationship, hobbies etc?

Janecc · 23/05/2016 19:13

Op I had fertility issues and Ivf, successful after 2 cycles and 3 implantations. It was hell and for me, far worse than any pregnancy or post birth hormones.

I would send your friend a text and say you would love to see her sometime either just the two of you or when she's ready to meet the baby and thank her for her support during pregnancy. Finish with - She's been a great friend.

Congratulations on your baby. Glad to see you understand a bit better now.

Acorn44 · 23/05/2016 19:13

You clearly dont 'get it', OP. If you did, you wouldn't be making comments about 'being sure she will conceive eventually'. Such a flippant statement is both ignorant and insensitive. There are thousands of us who never 'conceived eventually'. It's comments like yours that make our pain worse.

Rather than slagging her off on here, perhaps consider how you can instead be more supportive? Your approach contrasts massively with the tact and empathy my own friends and family have shown me when they gave birth.

Acorn44 · 23/05/2016 19:16

Just read your update OP. Good on you.

Your friend will come round, but developing the perfect 'brave face' takes its time

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/05/2016 19:28

Op if you want to see her send her an invite. I personally don't think it's the done thing to just drop in on a new mum and baby, irrespective of any other issues.

LightDrizzle · 23/05/2016 19:48

I'm glad you are seeing the light.
Remember your friend gave you the gift for the baby just before it was born, why do you think she did that?
My guess is that she is happy for you and wanted to acknowledge the birth with a gift, she chose to do this before the baby came because she is worried how she will manage when she first meets your baby. This is and should be a happy event: the first time she comes to see you you will naturally offer a hold and she will feel that downy soft/ hardness of your baby's head in her cupped hand, and the warm weight in her arms; she will inhale that baby smell, see and feel the little newborn snuffles and grunts. Her heart will break for what she may not have, it is such a physical response that we have to a newborn. She will be terrified of breaking down into great buying sobs and "spoiling" it for you and setting herself up for days of grief.
The physical thing is so real, I conceived without issue and I am lucky enough neve to have lost a baby, but for a long time it looked unlikely that my youngest would survive. She was deprived of oxygen at birth and suffered devastating brain damage. I was on the Post-Natal ward in my own room while she was in PICU on a ventilator doing very poorly. I remember the first time I stepped out of my room to visit her and heard the cries of a newborn in the neighbouring ward, it was like being pole-axed, I literally doubled over and howled and couldn't move, midwives came running because they assumed some medical emergency. It was the most raw agony and it had nothing to do with thought. I hadn't heard my daughter cry and might never do so. I didn't want the other women's babies dead or brain damaged, there was no space to consider their babies at all. I just wanted my baby, in my arms, breathing, crying, feeding etc.

Fortunately my daughter survived after a very traumatic neonatal period and infancy. She is severely disabled and never did feed(she is tube fed into her stomach) it took about 14 years before I could watch anything on television to do with birth, and although with every year the adjustment got easier, I would still sometimes get floored by the sight of a baby or child the same age as my daughter, doing something that my daughter might well not achieve in her lifetime.
It's not the same situation, but the intense physical and emotional response to babies when you are experiencing loss of either kind is difficult to communicate. Of course rationally, your friend is delighted and relieved that you have been safely delivered of healthy baby, and she will feel awful that she is unsure whether she can trust herself to cope with visiting you and seeing you enjoying your new maternity, it seems so mean-spirited, - but she can't help it - I promise.

wombthereitis · 23/05/2016 20:06

The op has said she accepts she has been unrealisable. Bit pointless rushing to tell her how horrible she is now, isn't it.

Come on now, that sounds far too rational and compassionate. BURN THE WITCH, BURN THE WITCH!

ImCountingToThree · 23/05/2016 20:34

Glad you've taken on board some of what people have said OP as I do think you were insensitive without realising it.

I have a child with special needs and I have a 'friend' who often makes comments that show a complete lack of empathy. She makes me full much worse than if she said nothing. I don't think she is trying to hurt me - but it just doesn't seem to occur to her that I could be hurt by what she says. Like she'll go on and on very smugly about a particular strength that her child has that she knows my child struggles hugely with.

I've really come to value the people who do try to show kindness and understanding. Most people are like this but some people are so wrapped up in their own world they forget about the feelings of others

Definition of empathy
: the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : the ability to share someone else's feelings

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2016 20:36

wombs

seagreengirl · 23/05/2016 20:51

Congratulations on your baby OP

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 23/05/2016 20:53

lightdrizzle

Scousegeordie · 23/05/2016 21:02

She has polycystic ovaries and this is why she hasnt conceived yet (nothing too sinister) so I'm sure she will conceive eventually.
I have PCOS and after four years of trying for a baby we are currently adopting, so no it may never happen for your friend. It doesnt really matter how "sinister" it is if it doesnt happen!
my sister who i am very close with has recently had a baby and i found it very hard to deal with and it took a lot of guts to visit for the first time. She was very understanding and even though this meant her not posting pictures or updates much SHE UNDERSTOOD as she knew the total empty heartbreak i was going through. dont get me wrong i love my little nephew but that first meeting was the hardest. I think you need to step back and use some empathy.

Scousegeordie · 23/05/2016 21:27

sorry cross thread, hope it all goes well with your friend and congratulations on your new arrival x
im sure your friend will be round in her own time

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2016 22:04

You have agreed you were wrong but in all honestly you prob don't reliese the pain your friend is in

I've been ttc 10yrs or so. 4 private failed ivf and even though I am happy for my friends who easily conceive , it's blood hard each time they all say I'm
Preg

Maybe your friend hasn't shared the ins and out of her infertility with you and that's up to her

But surely you must understand its raw for her

Yes send a pic when you've had your baby but no need to send pics every 2/3 days

Send her a text. Say you would like to see her and catch up. Even suggest you popping over there and your dh having baby for an hour

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2016 22:05

And the owning her own house comment

If you work hard and save enough you can buy yourself a home and get a mortgage

Your friend can't buy a baby

icy121 · 23/05/2016 22:06

OP glad you come to your senses!
Problem with aibu even when you admit you're wrong there's another 6 pages of "you vile selfish fucker" to get through.

Enjoy your newborn and If you can't relate to and/or support your friend's infertility, send her our way:

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/2468049-The-mind-numbing-boredom-of-infertility?pg=1]

Worth a read yourself you might begin to see how she feels.

Ilovemytwins · 23/05/2016 22:54

OP I am glad that you are going to give your friend time . Me and my dh had 6 years of fertility treatment. Thankfully on our last attempt we had our twin daughters. In the 6 years his sister had two babies, I hated going to see them despite her being family. But I did in my own time, congratulations on your baby. I am sure it will all work out with your friend.

CarShare · 24/05/2016 08:27

I've just had a baby girl too and whilst I think she's amazing I try my best not to bore people with the minutiae of her development and bombard them with pictures. Apart from the 'she's here' text I've not sent anything to friends who I know are TTC and they have contacted me and visited in their own time. Just absorb yourself in your baby and let your friend approach you when she's ready.

EverySecondCounts · 25/05/2016 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 25/05/2016 19:07

What are you talking about Every - they've already all been cashed

Summerxsunx · 25/05/2016 20:09

Haven't RTFT.

Just to say you sound like a self absorbed bitch. And a shit friend.

I'm sure not everyone wants to coo over your baby.

She's given you gifts, responded to your texts, your baby is 2 weeks old, 2 weeks, not 2 months or years, get a grip.

PurpleDaisies · 25/05/2016 20:10

If you had bothered to at least read the op's posts summer you'd have seen she accepted she was being unreasonable pages ago.

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