To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

[Newmummyme]

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

The friend sounds like she's done as decent a job of being supportive as possible. The fact she brought the present around prior to the child being born would indicate she knew she'd find meeting the baby difficult.

Yabu but I appreciate that you listened and accepted the MN verdict. Enjoy your new baby.

Rebecca, really it isn't unkind to say that babies are boring. I had a friend who said exactly that to me while I was holding my beloved 3 day old daughter (after many years of infertility blah blah). My friend wanted to talk to me, not coo over the baby. And actually, it was a bit of a relief. As well as a bit funny and bracing.

it's also a fairly unkind and unnecessary statement to someone who's first baby is only 2 weeks old.

It's an explanation as to why people aren't as interested in her baby as she'd like them to be and a reason why the op shouldn't take it personally.

cingliomama

Okay just read the post where you compare her owning her home and you renting to you having a baby and her not...

Seriously? I know hormones can do crazy things after giving birth but please give your head a wobble and show some compassion. She is not making you feel bad about having a baby. It is likely that she is trying to avoid making you feel bad. You're comparing material things to having your own family. Those things are not in any way the same.

Such an odd thread.
Baby is only 2 weeks old. OP is probably swimming in hormones and getting no sleep and world revolving around newborn.
How often do you see your friend normally OP? Is it normally every week without fail or in fact do you catch up once a month or so?
If the latter then you saw her less than 3 weeks ago and she's just busy working, doing whatever she normally does.
Her fertility struggles may be relevant, and you may need not to push her, but equally likely is that its only been 2 weeks and she's giving you a bit of space...plus you have 24 hours/day to stare in wonder at your lovely newborn OP, while she is still doing everything which usually fills her life (job, partner etc).

oh my god you really do have no idea at all do you

Leave it, give her time. She is obviously funding it very hard. She might have felt different now baby is here, and is finding it harder. The fact she gave you the gift before baby was born, might have indicated that she wod find it hard to see the baby. Just leave it and give her space that she needs.

I really wouldn't send a sarky message.

Other people's babies are really boring IMO, I wouldn't dream of sending pics all the time.

Especially given she's having trouble conceiving don't ram her with pics and certainly not sarky messages.

Calmly ... you have no idea at all how she is feeling, nor seemingly do you have any idea how insensitive and precious you are being.

I agree

she gave you gift previously.

Leave an open invitation and tell her you would love to see her sometime soon.

We have friends who stopped seeing us shortly after we got married "because you are likely to have a baby". We accepted (very sadly) that this was their way of coping with their infertility. It was awful to lose friends over this (we did end up having babies), but I don't think you can judge people when you are not in their position. And you certainly can't moan to them about how hard it is being a parent - when they would do anything to have what you have.

You sound immature, insensitive and a bit thick if I'm honest. Maybe your friend would be better off without you.

You sound very immature OP and frankly lacking in empathy for your friend.

I couldn't have children, no IVF when I as young. Whenever family and friends had babies I could not have been happier for them. I would visit, coo and cuddle the baby, go home and cry my eyes out. Your friend obviously isn't in a good place to even do that right now.

Please think about what she is going through, stop sending photographs and talk to her.

I'm just venting I guess, but accept that I am being awful here. I don't want to feel like this, obviously. I'll give her space and support, gladly.

Just in case any of the recent posters missed it, this is what the op had said upthread.

Maybe there isn't any need to keep flaming her?

People, you should read all the OP's posts. And lay off the name calling.

Most times when people don't RTFT it's funny. Not in this case. Do RTFT first

I tried to commit suicide when I was constantly bombarded with my dsis pregnancy, I had struggled with recurrent miscarriages and tbh I really think your a shitty friend.

I'm so glad to see you've realised YABU because honestly, your comments are just vile. Your poor friend.

I agree that her bringing the gift around, prior to your little one being born, is a clear indication that she would find seeing the baby hard.

Please if you care about your friend give her all the time she needs, she is probably feeling guilty for not seeing you, but the need to protect her mental wellbeing is too strong.

My dd2 was stillborn, and I found seeing other babies so heartbreaking and depressing. I had a good friend, who was fairly gentle with me, but kept sending me pictures of her newborn, updates on how lovely he was etc. The agony was so intense I had to protect myself and withdraw further. I feel so bad about it, but I can't describe the pain of empty arms, it is not something you can ever comprehend until you are there yourself.

Enjoy your baby, don't let this time be eaten up with anger, give her space and appreciate how lucky you are.

MrsDeVere at Mon 23-May-16 15:59:18 I know your story but I am so sorry when I think of it.

I've had issues and well remember a friend having a baby before I got pregnant with dd. I could not share in her joy and make the mistake of telling her I was upset. She was angry and did not understand. I think sometimes 'talking about it' doesn't help. I have had to see friends who have fertility issues without kids, just meeting for dinner as adults.

I am not sure if OP is reading still but if she is I would just say, preserve the friendship as adults, and if she has a baby, you not being able to bill and coo at it will be, completely, the least of her worries.And maybe by then you will get it, really, just a bit, and will be as delighted for her as you would like her to be of you.

I bloody hope the poor OP isn't still reading it.