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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/05/2016 14:30

i resent having to bend over backwards for her (ie inviting her round for dinner)

FFS.
I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but you sound worse with every comment.

treaclesoda · 23/05/2016 14:30

I didn't visit any of my friends when they had a newborn. Not because I'm self centred and don't care but because I thought they were probably shell shocked and desperate for sleep.

As for your insensitivity to her situation, the mind boggles.

If you care about her and want to see her, invite her for a specific day and time. But show some understanding if she says it is too soon for her and she'd rather wait for a while.

curren · 23/05/2016 14:30

Op I really hope it's hormones, because you are not acting like a good friend.

She was great during pregnancy and came to see you just before the birth.

You are sending photos which is a constant reminder of what she can't have. One phot, fair enough. But four or five? I struggled to conceive and you don't get it unless you have been there.

She would adore to look like crap because she is exhausted by caring for her new born. You remark about her not missing out on looking like shit, just proves you don't get it.

You need to stop thinking. About yourself, if she is truly a good friend.

Lottapianos · 23/05/2016 14:30

OP, it hurts so very much when someone close to you has a baby while you're having baby related troubles of your own. It kills. And what makes it hurt even more I'd knowing that you're expected to get the pom-poms out and make a huge fuss of your friend and coo over the baby because that's what's expected of women. Well sometimes you just can't, physically or emotionally.

No more photos or messages about the baby. Give her space. Sending a sarcastic message would be horrible. Get on with enjoying your baby and be grateful that you're not in her shoes

ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2016 14:30

Fucking Hell. With friends like you who needs enemies!

Poor cow. Hope she's OK.

scottishegg · 23/05/2016 14:30

Have some compassion and understanding. Your friend is struggling with infertility which is an extremely difficult and heartbreaking situation to be in. Shes not avoiding you or your baby to be mean or for any other reason other than the fact that she's suffering and finding the situation immensely difficult.
It's only been a couple of weeks, give her time but please support her.

MitzyLeFrouf · 23/05/2016 14:30

I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem.

Only a cow would do that.

Who knows how hard she's finding this. And it's not as though she's ignored you. It sounds to me as though she knew meeting the baby would be very difficult for her thus bringing the gift around before your baby was born. Give her time.

Pootles2010 · 23/05/2016 14:31

'Coo over her baby when she has one' no, you don't get it, she might never have one. Whatsapp photos every two days is way too much! One on Facebook (on your feed, not directed at her) is plenty.

You need to let her take the lead on this.

TheFuckersBitingMe · 23/05/2016 14:31

Not sure inviting a great friend over for a takeaway one night is "bending over backwards" op. Not even a little bit.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/05/2016 14:31

Oh god. Please do her a favor and slip out of her life OP. You have the sensitivity of a turd.

PPie10 · 23/05/2016 14:31

So you know she has had fertility treatment and still no baby, and yet you can't piece it together. Don't be so thick. You sound spiteful and awful, get over yourself. She came to see you before you had your child but now the reality she has to face by seeing the baby is she doesn't have her own. You sound horrible comparing her owning a home to have a baby.

NeedACleverNN · 23/05/2016 14:34

Oh your third post......completely heartless

Comparing a rented house to a baby you easily conceived.

One day you might own your own house. She might never have her own children and if she does she has to go throw so much

Research all about IVF. Look at the ins and outs and how difficult it is

Lweji · 23/05/2016 14:34

BTW, if you are supposed to be good friends, but you only vaguely know she's had fertility treatment but don't know any ins and outs, suggests that you're not the type of person who she thinks is supportive and understanding. And she is right.

herecomethepotatoes · 23/05/2016 14:34

Other peoples' babies are boring. It's good manners to pretend they aren't.

Enjoy your baby and forget about it. She'll come when / if she's ready.

I just don't know how I'll be able to coo over her baby when she has one. does make you sound quite unpleasant.

jamhot · 23/05/2016 14:35

Be kind to her. She would probably give her right foot to have had 2 hours of broken sleep and vomit in her hair, if it meant having her own baby in her arms. Take a good look at your child and think about how much you would miss her if she weren't here. Have some empathy.

Don't be sarcastic. She doesn't need the extra pain of your judgement right now. Invite her over. 2 weeks isn't long at all. I don't think all my family had met my son at only 2 weeks, let alone friends.

treaclesoda · 23/05/2016 14:35

Out of interest, if she invited you to hers for a takeaway or something, would you then still feel that you're having to bend over backwards for her because after all it's a lot harder to leave your own home when you have to take the baby stuff with you.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 23/05/2016 14:35

Visiting you is possibly the most painful, heartbreaking thing she can imagine herself doing right now.

Do you want her to put herself through that?

purplefox · 23/05/2016 14:35

She has things I would like (her own home for example) whereas we rent but I'd never have made her feel bad about it. I'm sure she will have a baby eventually

Because owning a home and having a child are the same thing? And no, with failed fertility treatments there's no "sure" about having a baby "eventually". She's better off without you.

MatildaTheCat · 23/05/2016 14:35

What a lovely first post.

I do hope your friend gets in touch very, very soon. And tells you to Fuck Right Off.

I don't care if this is deleted. I'm struggling to believe anyone could be quite this self absorbed and unpleasant.

Micah · 23/05/2016 14:35

Thanks everyone but i resent having to bend over backwards for her (ie inviting her round for dinner) when I'm the one who has just had a baby. I know she's had fertility treatment already but I am obv not familiar on the ins and outs so I'm not able to comment in this respect. She has things I would like (her own home for example) whereas we rent but I'd never have made her feel bad about it. I'm sure she will have a baby eventually and then I'm supposed to pretend that she's totally ignored my baby

Jesus you get worse with every post. Do you really think she'd not sell her home if it meant she had a baby?

You're not getting infertility. It's been 2 years and fertility treatment. The chances are she won't "have a baby eventually".

Are you going to offer to let her babysit to make up for not having children of her own?

NoFuchsGiven · 23/05/2016 14:35

I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but you sound worse with every comment.

This^^ with bells on!

You sound extremely selfish and self absorbed. Please do your friend a favour and leave her be! Surely no one can be this stupid?

Original poster

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:36

Obviously it is difficult to convey our relationship in a few words but I'm not a crap friend, I can assure you. And neither is she. I just feel let down that's all as I would try to it my feelings aside. I'm sure of it. After all, it is her own baby she wants, not mine. She has polycystic ovaries and this is why she hasnt conceived yet (nothing too sinister) so I'm sure she will conceive eventually. And I really hope she does, obviously.

OP posts:

blackbirdmilkshake · 23/05/2016 14:36

a reverse? I hope it is

Bishybishybarnabee · 23/05/2016 14:36

Instead of a sarky message, how about sending her a nice message saying how lovely it'd be to see her, when she is able, and then leaving the ball in her court. She will be dealing with her feelings surrounding her own situation so please be patient and let her deal with it as she can.
I usually give friends a couple of weeks after they've had a baby before trying to visit, to give them some space and time anyway so even without her situation I don't think she's done anything wrong really.

daydreamnation · 23/05/2016 14:36

Oh yuk, I hadn't seen your third post. Please leave your friend in peace, hopefully she has other caring, supportive friends that will be there for her. You sound awful.

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