To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

[Newmummyme]

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

She has things I would like (her own home for example) whereas we rent

Fuck me. I just read that and your lack of sensitivity re: her particular malady.

Do your friend a favour and disengage for a while.

You're not coming across like you're thinking straight at the moment and any engagement/interaction you have with her is likely to be damaging to both of you.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, that you're not as awful as you're coming across, as I've been the OP on 'that thread', but nonetheless... do try to be nicer for both your sake. If you can achieve that, then take a break.

OP, you,have asked AIBU and you are getting a very clear response that YES, you are being insensitive and unreasonable but you don't seem to be listening

DId you conceive very easily? You just don't seem to understand how painful it can be for someone having difficulties in that area to be around other people's babies.

To suggest that owning your own home versus renting is a life experience comparable to being able to bear a child is preposterous.

You are in a position that your friend can only dream of - you have a wonderful healthy child to love. Give her some space to adjust to your very different positions in life and hopefully this will calm down. And don't send a sarky message - that would be childish and spiteful.

I'm sure she will have a baby eventually

Two of my close friends, both desperate for children, never managed to conceive. They're now in their late 40s, so it's highly unlikely they will ever have children.

Your friend might never conceive. She knows she might never conceive. Your insistence that she will eventually conceive will not make it happen. She is experiencing a pain that you cannot comprehend. It would be nice if you tried to understand and accept her feelings.

*Oh your third post......completely heartless

Comparing a rented house to a baby you easily conceived*

Exactly what I was going to say. Buying or renting a house doesn't even begin to compare to being able to be a mum, or not.

Seriously, rein it in OP or you are going to lose this friend for good.

I know she's had fertility treatment already but I am obv not familiar on the ins and outs so I'm not able to comment in this respect.

There's a whole board on this very website filled with posts from real people going through the physical and emotional struggle of IVF and other fertility treatments. Someone who is 'not a crap friend' might have taken ten minutes in between Whatsapping baby pics to glance through the threads to get some idea of what stressful misery her close mate might be going through. Just a thought.

You sound delightful! do you really expect her to drop everything and run to see your baby? She is finding it hard!

truth: no one really cares about your baby (other than grandparents) - numerous pictures and posts are normally boring and politely received but no one really cares other than the parents and grandparents

Your comment about her owning her own house is very telling. You're jealous of her, aren't you? The irony. If only she knew, through her own jealousy and heartbreak, how you really feel about her!

You've got your baby - enjoy her and stop expecting your poor distraught friend to drop everything and come around and validate your choice.

Oh dear OP, YABU. Cut your friend some slack.

Thanks for the advice. I accept that I come across badly here. It's difficult to convey the full Picture in text form. I care deeply about her but appreciate that iabu. Of course I won't say anything. I had a horrible delivery and am prob a bit emotional. I will certainly back off and give her time.

Thanks

Honestly, I'm finding it really odd that you know she's having fertility treatment but you don't ask her how she's doing, are the drugs rough, how's she doing with it all, etc. When I knew my friends were having fertility treatment I didn't treat it as a dirty secret not to be talked about.

Think about it. You know she's having treatment. Think for a minute what that actually means. For all you know she's just found out that this cycle of IVF or other treatment has failed, or she's just had a nearly miscarriage after everything was finally looking like it might happen. Or her Trust has cut its funding and she can now only have one round, and it's failed.

Think of all the reasons to be compassionate, including the fact that it could simply be that she's finding it just too tough in the early days, and your constant messages are reinforcing her worries that if she comes round you will more or less rub her nose in your good fortune.

Do you think she wouldn't swap her house for your ability to have a baby in a heartbeat? What a crass remark.

Your poor friend, who needs enemies, eh?

The world does not revolve around you or your baby. Listen to what people are telling you, give your friend some space - the More you push your baby at her the more pain you will cause someone you claim to care about - although I'm not seeing much evidence of care in your posts.

Congratulations on your baby, OP, I'm sure she is lovely, but to your friend she represents something she desperately wants and may never have, have some bloody compassion.

Sorry, cross post while I was typing, glad you have seen tge error of your ways.

Congratulations again.

OP, poorly timed cross post. My apologies, I'm glad you're going to give her some space.

I have pcos. There was a time when, after ttc for 2 years, I really, really thought it would never happen for me. If you've never been through month after month of hope, then despair and disappointment, it's incredible hard to understand. Of course she may conceive, but she may not either - and in the meantime she's stuck in limbo. I imagine it's a very challenging time for her.

At first I thought maybe you just hadn't considered this op, but following your updates it appears you know full well how she might be feeling, yet still expect her to just deal with it.

If you want advice, rather than just a space to complain, then my advice would be to give her some space. Stop sending pictures, don't text, just create some distance. When she feels strong enough to cope I'm sure she'll be in touch.

My own sister had a baby while I was struggling with pcos and even I found it hard at times realising I may never have what she had. I made myself get over it and threw myself into helping dsis with my niece. But that was my way of coping and everyone is different.

Finally, you can't compare having your own home to having a child. You just can't. I think you're being very self centred I'm afraid.

Bloody hell! I hope that my impending birth doesn't cause such a removal of sensitivity and actually giving a fuck about my friends. I hope this is a troll as I would hate to think someone struggling with fertility had such a self absorbed bitch in their life. You are behaving appallingly OP.

OP, I cannot expect you to understand, but the pain, month after month, of not conceiving, is all consuming, and immense. It is a rollercoaster that takes over your whole life. You spend your cycle either hoping and praying for a miracle, or trying to cope with another disappointment.

She may well be in the middle of treatment now. Perhaps she is taking drugs which make her feel physically and/or emotionally awful. perhaps she is waiting for results of investigations. Perhaps she is having to face up to the fact that she may never conceive. (With her condition this is a possibility).

Seeing you and your baby may well just be too painful for her. She is not trying to upset you - I suspect she is just trying to protect herself, and lets not forget her partner in all this. There are two people who are struggling here.

If you love her, don't send her sarky messages. Perhaps, when you feel ready, get your partner to look after the baby and invite her out for a coffee or something. Your relationship is about you and her. Treasure that, and protect it. You will soon need friends that you can go out with and who don't talk about poo/breastfeeding/sleepless nights etc, so that you can feel like "you" again, and not a sleep deprived milk machine. If you try and make sure your relationship is built on something other than babies/lack of babies you will hopefully find it becomes a safehaven for you both.

Apologies for x-post from me too op.

I can't understand how you can't see you are the one in the wrong. As someone who struggled to conceive while all of my friends were getting pregnant I understand how hard it is to try to put on a brave face when inside your heart is breaking. She will be happy for you, but infertility issues can take a real toll and you are being incredibly selfish to no see her side of things. Yes you had a baby, yes she is your world and you want to share your joy with those close to you but you need to realise that ATM your joy is her pain. Put yourself in her shoes for five seconds and have a bit of compassion!