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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to show interest in my baby?

253 replies

Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 14:15

First post which I've mulled over for a few days now. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago.

My friend (close for over 10 years and she only lives 20 mins away) hasn't been to see us yet. She visited a week before I gave birth and gave us a gift which was really sweet. She was quite interested in the pregnancy (asked if I was ok etc but didn't make a huge effort to visit) but it was difficult because she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years. I get this, but I obviously can't mention her problems because it doesn't seem right somehow. I have sent her a few pics of baby and she's responded (quite short messages though) which surprises me because she was more interested during my pg. I get that it is difficult but I sent her a whatsapp two days ago with her holding the teddy she's bought and no reply yet she's been on whatsapp loads since. I'm really tempted to send a sarky message asking if she plans to come and meet her but don't want to cause a problem. I guess I'm just disappointed in her. I know when she eventually has a baby I'll be banging the door down.

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 23/05/2016 14:58

x-post from me too OP. Best wishes to both you and your friend.

HouseOfBiscuits · 23/05/2016 14:58
Biscuit
emmalimesmom · 23/05/2016 14:58

i agree with everyone else, try and show some compassion to your friend, she may be worried about getting upset if she held your baby

EverySecondCounts · 23/05/2016 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryDrop24 · 23/05/2016 14:59

Just seen your last post op and congrats on the baby btw

ricketytickety · 23/05/2016 15:00

I can see why you would want her to visit, especially as you had a bad time of it. She does care, I'm sure of it (if you're close) but she'll be feeling all sorts of strange feelings that she probably would struggle to explain to you. Sadness, jealousy, pain at not having her own child. It can be overwhelming. Just like you are probably feeling very vulnerable and need your friend to pop by and show interest.

I'm sure she is interested and does care. Maybe text her not about the baby but about the bad time you've had during the birth and talk about that. She'll come round.

Original poster
Newmummyme · 23/05/2016 15:01

Blimey Everysecond!! I'm just venting I guess, but accept that I am being awful here. I don't want to feel like this, obviously. I'll give her space and support, gladly. Just very difficult when I do enquire into how it's all going and she says she's "fine thanks". I obviously hope so much that she gets her wish.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 23/05/2016 15:01

She has things I would like (her own home for example) whereas we rent but I'd never have made her feel bad about it. I'm sure she will have a baby eventually and then I'm supposed to pretend that she's totally ignored my baby

Oh well how jolly decent of you! You really dont get it do you, Ive never known someone to be so emotionally unawarre.

Chocolateandwineplease27 · 23/05/2016 15:02

As someone going through infertility I can firmly say you sound absolutely awful and a terrible friend. Please do her a favour and stop the messages. You really have no clue how awful it is, nor do you seem to even want to understand. I hope your posts are a result of so called "baby brain" and you're not such a complete moron in real life. Also, do you not have anything better to do now you have a two week old baby?!

EverySecondCounts · 23/05/2016 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

regularbutpanickingabit · 23/05/2016 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lottapianos · 23/05/2016 15:03

'If you try and make sure your relationship is built on something other than babies/lack of babies you will hopefully find it becomes a safehaven for you both.'

That made my cry trulybadlydeeply. My best friend has had 2 children in the past 4 years and I have struggled with it MASSIVELY. I found myself grieving for the family I hadn't realised I wanted. In the past 6 months or so, I've been feeling much more positive towards her and realising that we can still be friends and my anger and jealousy are much less intense. I'm so glad I hung on and that we're still mates. It does better but it takes time and space

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/05/2016 15:04

You're not a bitch or a cunt or anything else you have been called. Huge congratulations on your baby and to you and your friend working things through. Everyone (with any sense) knows what is posted on here is only a tiny fraction of the complexities of real life and the friendship you share.

Hormones are shite!

jinglebellmel · 23/05/2016 15:05

You sound like an awful friend, not much more to say than that really!

Lovewineandchocs · 23/05/2016 15:05

Yes, I agree with what ricketytickety says above. I think the OP has now got the message that she IBU and is going to back off and give her friend some space. If she has had a bad time giving birth and is hormonal and emotional, probably exhausted too, she can't be thinking straight at the moment. We've all been there, and if you really don't get how it feels to be struggling to conceive, as she obviously doesn't, then you would miss your friend and feel a bit rejected I think. Please stop calling her horrible names like bitch and cunt, it's bullying and people doing that should be ashamed of themselves Angry

Lottapianos · 23/05/2016 15:06

'Maybe text her not about the baby but about the bad time you've had during the birth and talk about that'

Do not do this! Like others have said, she would dearly love to be recovering from birth and looking like crap and all of that, don't rub it in and make her feel worse! Back off and give her time

KT1366 · 23/05/2016 15:07

Congratulations on the new arrival. I do think though that YABU.

You do not know the 'ins and outs of her fertility treatment' yet you are sure she'll have her own baby one day? Actually she very well might not and is probably terrified that that may be the case!

Owning a house vs. being able to have a baby isn't a comparison. You have the option of trying to get a house (however painfully slowly) or may have one day in the future. People make life choices about what material things they do/don't have. If she can't have children she doesn't have that option through no fault/action/choice of her own.

I hope this is a case of pregnancy hormones skewing your judgement. If not it doesn't sound like you are best friends at all. I don't want to sound harsh, of course you want you best friend to be excited for your new arrival...but at the sake of deep personal pain and sadness for her????

Give her a little time, be understanding and be kind. She will be there for you and your little one when she can and you'll have a friendship left at the end of it, and a loving 'auntie' for your DD. Attack her when she's hurting and I doubt you'll have a friend for very long.

Alb1 · 23/05/2016 15:08

I never normally comment on AIBU but I can't believe you compared her wanting a baby to you wanting to own your own house, I lost a baby recently, is that the same as someone being turned down for a mortgage and then sulking in your eyes? Maybe she just says 'fine thanks' because she can tell how much you don't understand what she's going through. 2 weeks is no amount of time, if she's having fertility treatment maybe she's having hormone injections that make her moods excessively out of character and she can't cope with cuddling a baby just yet, give her time. And if you do for some crazy reason send her a horrible message please don't compare it to buying a sodding house Sad

Binkybix · 23/05/2016 15:09

It's good that you're going to give her space, but quite frankly I've never had fertility issues and I'd be rolling my eyes at the number of updates you've sent her!

My best friend had issues and my pregnancy was very difficult for her. We hardly acknowledged it, and I didn't really talk about PND with her.

It was difficult and I needed her but I understand that she couldn't give me that at that time. She has apologised but she didn't need to - it's just one of those things.

I do get a little bit eye rolling now all she talks about is her baby but I know this is just a phase ;)

regularbutpanickingabit · 23/05/2016 15:10

Lovewine - it is not bullying to say she was being a bitch. She was! She was also absolutely bullying her friend by what she is saying, and about to do worse in sending that sort of message. It touches a nerve for a lot of us who have been painfully aware of how to behave both as the infertile one or the one who has had the baby but with friends in a similar situation. Her lack of awareness is breathtaking.

I can see she is now taking on board the comments which is great. However, that doesn't mean she wasn't already pretty self-centred if she didn't even bother to find out what her friend is going through whilst expecting longer text messages (!), more attention and even criticised the number of visits her poor friend made. This was BEFORE any traumatic birth.

glasgowlass · 23/05/2016 15:11

Don't you sound like an utter delight OP?

Newsflash.....the world does not revolve around your child.

I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

squizita · 23/05/2016 15:11

she has been struggling to conceive for a couple of years

As numerous PP have said, in that case she's been incredibly lovely to take an interest. Plus 2 weeks isn't long when you're busy etc. Baby or not, 2 weeks can fly by. She doesn't sit at home all day (when on maternity weekends/weekdays can get blurred but working 9-5 time can slip far more).

Your comments about being unable to coo etc because she didn't to your baby are quite telling: her baby (which I hope one day she will have) will be a lovely, small, helpless new person. A person to be welcomed not only if it's 50/50 on some score card in your head, but on their own right.

Alb1 · 23/05/2016 15:12

Altho I would like to add I don't think your an awful person or anything else you've been called, you've just made a few insensitive comment on here as your upset and obviously not very knowledgeable about the impact of fertility problems. I hope you and your friend manage to work this out

Moonlightceleste · 23/05/2016 15:13

Please, please stop sending her the baby photos. 2-3 days is FAR too much to be sending them to someone you know to be desperate for a baby when they haven't specifically asked to see them. What's wrong with just posting them on facebook/instagram, then she can like/comment if she wants to but doesn't feel she has to respond. You sound completely self-centred tbh. It's YOUR baby. Yes, you think they're the most amazing thing ever, but you would, it's your baby. PLEASE stop shoving photos of it down the throat of someone who desperately wants their own and can't.

And the house analogy is just ridiculous and made me lose even more patience with you. Not even remotely the same thing. Grow up and show some empathy.

Lovewineandchocs · 23/05/2016 15:15

I disagree-saying she is a bitch IS bullying, it's a horrible and spiteful personal attack. I don't believe for one minute that she meant to bully her friend by sending photos of the baby, she is being thoughtless, yes, but has taken on board everyone's comments. There is absolutely no need for name-calling.