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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting friend brought a man home.

425 replies

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 21/05/2016 07:39

Not sure on this one. I live with dh in a little 2 bed. Friend has been staying with us all week whilst in our area with her work. We've had a lovely week. Last night she went out with some other people and brought a man home unannounced.

I feel really uncomfortable about this and also like it's a real cheek! She leaves today. We were going to have a nice breakfast but I dont want to make idle small talk with strangers in my own house first thing!

So... aibu to feel this way and wibu to say something?!

OP posts:
Alleycat1 · 22/05/2016 11:50

I should add that of course I have been very tipsy but only when drinking with hosts who were likewise. I have never come back ratted to their home after a night out without hosts

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2016 11:51

Alley I was talking more about the drunk part... You said about the drunk part.

I haven't actually got drunk and brought a man home to a friends house either but when we were out, if I met a man (and my friend or friends had too) sometimes they were invited back. But it was all mutual agreement, no me just inviting them back. And was when I was staying over anyway (clubbing).

Like I said before I agree with manners but I also agree that people can and do make stupid mistakes!

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2016 11:56

gwen I'm well aware you can get murdered and raped etc at any time and by anyone...

In fact it's been a main reason why when younger and even now I don't like living by myself as there were lots of rape cases especially in basement flats of single women living alone when I was younger. We actually felt safer sharing and though I could afford not to share now (mortgage) I happily share with a nice lodger who also helps feed the cat when I'm away etc but I feel far safer with her around and she is out a lot anyway!

Also yes, I wouldn't have strange men in the house now (at 44!) but would have in 20s as that's what we did. Lodger now never brings anyone back (my one rule no boyfriends to stay), always goes to their house (she's not dating right now anyway and is 36) even friends who are women I don't like staying over. But I will have my spare room back occupied by friend of 21 years old male family intern who's been staying past 3 months and next week moves into a house share!

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2016 11:58

Alley I agree with you! I would never get drunk whilst staying with friends, tipsy, maybe... If we're all out but never drunk, bad manners beyond belief! I don't stay with that many friends anyway but always observe their house rules if I do.

HalfNamasteHalfTTTH · 22/05/2016 12:02

Should I be surprised to see people using this as an excuse to distance themselves from the 'snug marrieds' (not a typo)? I guess it's still hip to be cool. Morality wars aside, if a colleague or friend (rather than a hook up) had missed their last train then you'd call to run it past your host. Is it okay if X crashes tonight? In this case I'd have said 'this is awkward and I know you'd had a few but you do know that wasn't okay' Unless your houseguest has the emotional intelligence of Donald Trump, or are high up on the narcissism spectrum (possibly the same thing?), they know. 🙏

Whendoigetadayoff · 22/05/2016 12:05

So what happened with OP the friend and the one night stand? Did I miss that in the hundreds of posts?
PS nope wouldn't like it if man or woman brought back a random to my home as in my house I get to invite people. You know - the management can refuse admission type thing. In my case it's only been one male friend who stays with me who did it. He stays regularly and gets pick ups regularly. He also now knows to go to the woman house as I can't be arsed talking to the female in morning or thinking about one of my oldest friends shagging in room next door. Will always ask if he had a good shag, seeing her again, etc but don't want it in my house.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/05/2016 12:07

"there were lots of rape cases especially in basement flats of single women living alone when I was younger. "

How did they get into the flats? They must have broken in, which is much more difficult than just being invited in.

"I wouldn't have strange men in the house now (at 44!) but would have in 20s"

The safety concerns are exactly the same whatever age you are. The average man can overpower a woman of any age.

Alleycat1 · 22/05/2016 12:12

Superfly
I don't think anybody has a problem with 'mutual agreement', it was the assumption by OP's friend that it would be ok without the courtesy of asking that got up my nose. Morally, I can't cast any stones regarding her sex life but she should keep it at home. She obviously misread what her friend's reactions would be. Anyway, I'm off out for Sunday lunch so have Wine on me.

limitedperiodonly · 22/05/2016 12:12

This reminds me of Thelma and Louise where Geena Davis brings Brad Pitt back for a shag because he's like, Brad Pitt. He nicks all their money.

I shared a flat in my 20s with a girl who'd do this. She never felt contrite about it when we politely asked her not to invite random strangers into our home. After the inevitable theft, us boring uptight people staged a putsch and got rid of her.

The idea that you would do this while a guest is even worse.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/05/2016 12:20

Anyone else worried that OP hasn't been heard from for a few hours?

I'm imagining she's gone too far with Britishing it out and has made a sunday roast for Strange Man & given him her dh's slippers.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/05/2016 12:22

Ooops! Missed a few pages... Grin

derxa · 22/05/2016 12:29

The friend sounds like a bit of a twit but no harm done.

Lpel · 22/05/2016 12:31

Very rude to invite a person to stay the night at the house in which you were a guest. Nothing to do with sex or not.

MetalMidget · 22/05/2016 12:32

I have no issues with friends having one night stands.

I'd be fucking furious if a friend who was staying as a house guest brought a complete stranger back for an overnight stay in my house. It shows immense disrespect to the host.

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 13:19

How bloody rude, Shock ! I haven't read the whole thread, so don't know whether the OP has spoken to her friend about this....but I would certainly have sent her a text telling her (not asking) to escort the stranger off the premises tout bloody suite

4Roseycheeks · 22/05/2016 13:27

A text message is the answer send her this:

"Urgent! Do you know who that man is...!"

No more than that. She'll be out of the bonkatorium like a shot, and want to know what you know. Tell her that you might be wrong but that he looks awfully like the man the police were looking for last week. You can't remember what for but there seemed to be quite a fuss.

Mynameisdominoharvey · 22/05/2016 13:38

You should text her in a few hours after she has gone saying "hi xxx we just wondered who the man is that you bought home last night, need a name and address if possible as we are currently making a police report for the missing money/ipad/jewelery that we noticed had gone not long ago, thank" when she replies saying "OMG really" or something along those lines you then reply "luckily for you no, but perhaps you'll think in future before bringing a stranger into my home again" with a really cross emoticon Grin
I personally think its hilarious I bet they were in bed utterly cringing hahaha

SherbrookeFosterer · 22/05/2016 13:42

That person is no friend of yours.

My heart goes out to you. Never socialise with that person again.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/05/2016 13:51

I knew a woman who bought a random drunk man back in the middle of the night when staying in a friend's spare room. After snogging on the sofa he went to the loo and she said she'd go to bed and he should follow her up... only he didn't know which bedroom she was in! So he tried all the different doors- he terrified the female friend by wandering into her bedroom, then stumbled into the male flatmates's room next door and was thrown out the house as he couldn't even remember the name of the woman he had come back with! They confronted her next morning as, sadly, it was not at all unexpected.

Original poster
RevealTheHiddenBeach · 22/05/2016 13:57

Wow, such a lot of mixed responses!

We've exchanged a few messages, and I don't want to ruin an old friendship. Sounds like it was more stupidity and lack of thinking (unhelped by alcohol) than intentional disrespect. Definitely will see her again when paths cross, though not sure about staying over, and DH would def take a lot of convincing!

Thank you for all your perspectives, it's helped me put these feelings into words and rationalise them on an appropriate scale between mild annoyance and disaster!

I do wonder if she will see him again...

OP posts:
riceuten · 22/05/2016 14:15

"This whole thread is full of smug marrieds who don't seem to think single role are entitled to have casual sex."

No, I am not married or smug and I wouldn't want a guest bringing some random to my house without asking first. They can do what they want in their own place. Call me old fashioned...

LollieB · 22/05/2016 15:02

I think I would have locked them in the flat from the outside and gone out for the day. That way, if the guy was a drunken one night stand, they would have plenty of awkward hours to get to know each other and to wash their spunky sheets!

Gabilan · 22/05/2016 15:40

I've never been married and I've been single for the last couple of years. I'm quite happy for single people to shag whoever they like in their own homes. I would not be happy if an invited guest brought a stranger into my home without asking first. I wouldn't lose a friendship over it, and I'd see the funny side after a while but I wouldn't be happy about it at first.

It's partly the risk of danger, although I think that's relatively small. It's mainly because it's my home and I'm the one who gets to ask people to stay, or not.

Palpatine · 22/05/2016 15:46

The responses in this thread don't have anything to do with being smug and/or married. It's all about respect and courtesy.
If I let a friend stay at our house for an extended period of time, me telling them to make themselves at home implies they can help themselves to food and drink, even our precious booze stash, veg on the sofa etc. It doesn't extend to them bringing back a one night stand without at the very least a warning by text. And I would have been pissed off too even before I was "smug and married". Not pissed off enough to break off contact with said friend, but I'd be pissed off for a while.

piggypoo · 22/05/2016 16:13

My sister did the same thing to me, rocked up to my front door with a beau in tow! I told her to go and find a hotel, she didn't like it, but I was NOT having strange men in my house!

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