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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw an invitation to a houseguest?

207 replies

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 15:23

About six weeks ago, my cousin contacted me telling me that his daughter was wanting to come to London in the summer (they’re Australian, his daughter is currently studying in Italy). He was asking did I know of any cheap accommodation/jobs that she could do? I could kind of guess where this was heading, but said I would ask among friends, and have a think about job opportunities. Sure enough, a few weeks later he asked would it be possible for her to stay with me when she first arrived while she sorted herself out. She’s meant to be due on the 21st. I’m not crazy about the idea of a barely-known 21-year-old staying in my house, but I said that would be absolutely fine for a little while (we have someone due to stay in June anyway), and she should get in touch with me. To be honest, I’m a little annoyed that this has all come through her dad - if she was sixteen I could understand it, but she’s 21 and living halfway round the world!

Eventually, last week I get an email from the girl herself (let’s call her Lucy). Lucy writes a nice email thanking me for the offer, how grateful she is, looking forward to seeing me, etc etc. Very nice, I think, and write her a kind email back telling her a bit about our area (in zone 6 so not exactly central!) and how we’d pick her up from the station if she lets me know when she’s arriving. Since then, I’ve heard nothing. I emailed her yesterday briefly asking her to confirm if she’s even coming on the 21st, and roughly what time. Still not heard anything. I’m getting rather pissed off now – I’m a bit uncomfortable about having an unknown relative to stay anyway as I like my own space, but the whole manner it’s been organised (i.e. through her dad rather than her) has not helped at all.

I told DH this morning that if I hadn’t heard from her by lunchtime I’d tell her it was all off. He thought that was really mean, saying she was just a kid, but she’s 21 and studying abroad!! If you want to stay with someone for free, I would have though telling them the basics, i.e. when you plan to arrive, was pretty standard! I’ve had to rearrange plans because I don’t know if/when to expect her. WIBU to say she’s had her chance, and if she can’t be bothered to get in touch with her plans she can’t be that interested in staying? (Disclaimer – I did meet her when she was 14 and found her a bit vapid and annoying – she’s fond of duck face poses on Instagram, and is very invested in her appearance (to be fair, she is stunning and has done some modelling). I think I am almost intimidated by the thought of having her stay, but I do feel like I’ve been treated a bit rudely.) Or am I just out of touch with the younger generation and expecting too much? I’m 37 and DH and I have no DC.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/05/2016 00:00

i dont like houseguests im very funny about my home my space-only my sisters and sis in aw have ever stayed and even then i dont like it makes me uncomfrtable

JerryFerry · 21/05/2016 00:08

Well you have to have her to stay now so you can provide more evidence f her awfulness. The nerve of being an attractive young woman...

dowhatnow · 21/05/2016 00:16

Still no news?

coconutpie · 21/05/2016 07:08

I would email her and cc her dad and say since we haven't heard from you, we assume you've made other plans. Safe travels.

Who is the popstar!!

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2016 07:22

You know that 20 year old think of email as very antiquated, like telex machines to us oldies. She probably hasn't checked her mail.

Sorry op but you're not coming across very well here. You clearly don't want this person to stay with you so you're looking for reasons to find offence with her so you have an excuse to back out. And yes, you do sound about 80 out of touch with those pesky young people

SuperFlyHigh · 21/05/2016 08:26

Any news? I do kind of agree with you though that she should (or daddy) let you know of her plans.

But I'd also take this opportunity As a chance to meet a young woman, show her London etc... She's probably a bit cautious as she knows she will be staying in a house with rules (lay those down!) so maybe she's trying to squeeze her party time out.

Having said that, re keys, times in late etc... Be firm. My mum had 2 daughters of close friends of hers (Aussies) they came in drunk,late, drugged up etc were quite wild.... We were kids but this was 70s! Quite fun though. And they took us on days out, to adventure playgrounds etc so it was like having 2 au pairs one summer!

diddl · 21/05/2016 08:58

"You know that 20 year old think of email as very antiquated"

Does that apply to manners as well?

stripes416 · 21/05/2016 09:03

Any updates? I'm intrigued!

BitOutOfPractice · 21/05/2016 10:00

Of course not diddl. Did I say that? I said that it probably means she hasn't checked them.

diddl · 21/05/2016 10:05

"I said that it probably means she hasn't checked them."

So what?

She should have told Op by now when she would be arriving imo.

It's just rude not to.

People are giving all sorts of reasons why she hasn't, but I can only think of one-bad manners!

Original poster
GuinevereBeck · 21/05/2016 11:05

Still no news. Haven't emailed any further, don't really know what to do. I thought about emailing her one last time to say that if she'd been pressured into staying by her dad then I really wouldn't be offended if she didn't want to, but then that could be off putting if that's not the case!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/05/2016 11:08

Never mind Aussies, I've had Canadian relatives I've never met, or met once 40 years ago, inviting themselves to stay. Should add that I'm generally fine with house guests and have had stacks over the years, including young friends of dds' from all over.

But the Canadians have really taken the P, one in particular who stayed 10 days, wanted to see all the London sights (taken by me) and never offered to pay for any of it. He was in his 50s, not a kid. One night he wanted to go to a pub with a dd (30s) and she was happy enough, but he didn't put his hand in his pocket until she told him plainly that this was his round. Stuff that.

Another I had barely known, who had stayed before, emailed me about one of her kids who was coming to the UK, dropping heavy hints. My mother had very recently died and I mentioned this in my reply, and about the upcoming funeral. Added at same time a couple of photos from a recent family wedding.
She replied with NOT ONE WORD about my mother - her aunt - not even, oh, sorry to hear that. She evidently hadn't even bothered to read mine. Had to assume she was only concerned with free accomm for her dc.

That was enough for me, no more contact.

Sorry for rant, but it still grates. I am not a miserable meanie - not long ago we had a foreign friend's son to stay for 3 months, after he got a job in London and needed accomm in a hurry. He did offer to pay, but we said no, since his mother is a good friend, and he was a very pleasant and considerate guest.

Coconutty · 21/05/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyKrap · 21/05/2016 11:20

Email her dad and tell him you've heard nothing back from her.

gamerchick · 21/05/2016 11:38

Since i was her dad who contacted you first I would probably text him saying as you've had no contact you're assuming her plans have changed.

JessieMcJessie · 21/05/2016 15:39

You say she doesn't have your address or number but it's possible her Dad gave her those? Just wondering whether she will appear at your front door randomly. Do you speak to your cousin or just text and email him? A quick text would be enough to check if he has any idea, if you send now he'll see it when he wakes up, or call this eve?

Original poster
GuinevereBeck · 21/05/2016 16:29

Her Dad doesn't have my address or phone number either, since we live on opposite sides of the world and I see him maybe once every 10 years. I can only assume she's decided not to come after all, presumably she's found somewhere else to stay. I'm going to email him now just to confirm this, and then forget about the whole thing and destress!

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 21/05/2016 16:33

How rude, not to let you know!

TendonQueen · 21/05/2016 16:45

I'd just get on with your weekend. If she turns up she'll have to sort out finding you and getting there herself, which, as a 21 yo travelling the world alone, she should be perfectly capable of doing anyway.

GrumpyOldBag · 21/05/2016 16:47

How frustrating. I would not jump to too many conclusions however - maybe her phone has been stolen while she's travelling and she's got no way of contacting you.

Or some other rational explanation.

rubybleu · 21/05/2016 16:51

I think it's actually a space thing... Australian houses are bigger so it's less of a hassle hosting guests.

We live centrally in London and our spare room is full throughout summer. I've said no to return visits for certain guests, most recently my excuse has been that we are booked to renovate the bathroom or kitchen over their visit so it isn't convenient.

OP - I'm sure there's been a communication breakdown (lost email etc). Hopefully she won't turn up on your doorstep without warning! It is easy to lose track of time when you're backpacking though, I suspect the date has crept up on her to a certain extent.

juneau · 21/05/2016 16:57

Australians definitely have a very different attitude to casual visitors just rocking up with minimal notice and sometimes staying for extended periods of time. When we lived in NY an Australian friend rang me out of the blue and asked if I'd put up his 21-year-old cousin for a week - oh and she would be arriving the next day! He'd apparently arranged for her to stay with someone else, but that had fallen through and so he rang me. He was clearly, 100%, expecting me to say 'Yes, sure, no problem'. When I told him that it wasn't convenient and that she could stay for a couple of nights, but that's all as we were going away for the weekend he was so fucked off with me that I never heard from him again!

I wouldn't have DREAMED of ringing him with a similar request and with just 24 hours notice, but to him it was perfectly normal and my refusal was unbelievable. I found out later that he then rang another Australian who said yes.

bloodyteenagers · 21/05/2016 16:58

She's found a way of posting on instagram though. She can access Instagram, she can take 2 minutes out of her life to log into emails.

There is no excuse for rudeness.

Hang on a minute op.. they don't even know where you live? Or is it just her dad?

SeasonalVag · 21/05/2016 17:01

Nobody knows where you live then? Consider yourself off that hook op. I think it's really rude of them both.

bloodyteenagers · 21/05/2016 17:11

As for Australians accommodating yada yada.
Not all. Every year, would get a hoard of relative descend upon my nan. She was retired, on state pension, widowed and essentially a single parent raising two of her grand children.. This was back in the 80's btw.

She would have at least 8 of them come for around 3 months. Freeloaders who did not help at all and expected hotel treatment. After all they were guests and guests are just that. Excuse to be lazy fuckers. Wouldn't even get up to make a cup of tea. On top of that they expected to be entertained all the time.

She mentioned going to them. Many excuses of why not. She even said she would leave the girls behind. Nope. Not a chance was she staying with them. The excuses was laughable. Although incidentally, within a few days of mentioning going to them, they would go back to Australia.

So they came back. A month in she mentioned going. Nope and off they went back. Next year, came again for a three month stay, she mentioned is within two weeks and off they went.

Following year, within day she mentioned it. Again the shite excuses. She told them to go and fuck themselves.

Next year, they started free loading off another relative. Again, no to going to Australia. No-one even had their bloody address. So now 7 years the arseholes had been coming to freeload in the Uk, didn't know where the hell they lived, but some sneaky person found out. Everything btw was done by phone which was a case of hi we will be coming to the Uk on x date, bye.

Relatives from the UK rocked up to Australia. Knowing relatives would be there. Knocked on the door. Relative went white seeing who was knocking lol. Could stay for one night. That was it. Luckily relatives did have a back up plan just in case otherwise they would have been a bit screwed.

Never heard from Australian relatives again until Facebook became popular.. Within weeks of contact. thinking of coming to the UK, would be great to catch up and stay with you guys. hahahaha.