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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To withdraw an invitation to a houseguest?

207 replies

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 15:23

About six weeks ago, my cousin contacted me telling me that his daughter was wanting to come to London in the summer (they’re Australian, his daughter is currently studying in Italy). He was asking did I know of any cheap accommodation/jobs that she could do? I could kind of guess where this was heading, but said I would ask among friends, and have a think about job opportunities. Sure enough, a few weeks later he asked would it be possible for her to stay with me when she first arrived while she sorted herself out. She’s meant to be due on the 21st. I’m not crazy about the idea of a barely-known 21-year-old staying in my house, but I said that would be absolutely fine for a little while (we have someone due to stay in June anyway), and she should get in touch with me. To be honest, I’m a little annoyed that this has all come through her dad - if she was sixteen I could understand it, but she’s 21 and living halfway round the world!

Eventually, last week I get an email from the girl herself (let’s call her Lucy). Lucy writes a nice email thanking me for the offer, how grateful she is, looking forward to seeing me, etc etc. Very nice, I think, and write her a kind email back telling her a bit about our area (in zone 6 so not exactly central!) and how we’d pick her up from the station if she lets me know when she’s arriving. Since then, I’ve heard nothing. I emailed her yesterday briefly asking her to confirm if she’s even coming on the 21st, and roughly what time. Still not heard anything. I’m getting rather pissed off now – I’m a bit uncomfortable about having an unknown relative to stay anyway as I like my own space, but the whole manner it’s been organised (i.e. through her dad rather than her) has not helped at all.

I told DH this morning that if I hadn’t heard from her by lunchtime I’d tell her it was all off. He thought that was really mean, saying she was just a kid, but she’s 21 and studying abroad!! If you want to stay with someone for free, I would have though telling them the basics, i.e. when you plan to arrive, was pretty standard! I’ve had to rearrange plans because I don’t know if/when to expect her. WIBU to say she’s had her chance, and if she can’t be bothered to get in touch with her plans she can’t be that interested in staying? (Disclaimer – I did meet her when she was 14 and found her a bit vapid and annoying – she’s fond of duck face poses on Instagram, and is very invested in her appearance (to be fair, she is stunning and has done some modelling). I think I am almost intimidated by the thought of having her stay, but I do feel like I’ve been treated a bit rudely.) Or am I just out of touch with the younger generation and expecting too much? I’m 37 and DH and I have no DC.

OP posts:
YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 20/05/2016 16:52

Let her stay long enough to join Mumsnet and tell us who she dated. Then you can chuck her out again.

diddl · 20/05/2016 16:59

YABU to want to cancel at this late stage, but I think that SIBVU to have not let you know yet when she is arriving.

So due tomorrow, a Saturday?

Are you supposed to sit in all day to pick her up/be there to let her in?

hesterton · 20/05/2016 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 20/05/2016 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 20/05/2016 17:01

YANBU to be annoyed that she hasn't told you when she was due to arrive. YABU to rescind the offer to stay.

If it were me I'd email your cousin to see if he has the time when she's due. No harm in letting a hint of frustration at not knowing into your email. I'd also email/text her and let her know what times you are not around and tell her how to get public transport and what cafe is near to your house to hang out in until you arrive.

I feel your pain though, having young female guests can be annoying. I hosted a cousin's daughter, it was nice enough but there were a few irksome moments. Didn't hear from her for months until I got a text thanking me for hospitality and saying she was thinking of studying in our town and staying with us. So not happening.

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 17:04

Well, when she initially did get in touch I thought we would take her out for a meal the first night, show her around, that kind of thing. I'm feeling more like I will now just show her her room, give her a key and leave her to get on with it (not in an unpleasant way, I am a nice person, even though I'm not coming across that way!). I've only really got annoyed since my direct email of yesterday asking her to confirm her arrival time, and indeed day, has been ignored. I don't want to spend my Saturday sitting in waiting!

OP posts:
DailyMailFodder · 20/05/2016 17:05

I think the Dad might have asked because They may have thought it easier for you to turn him down rather than her. I don't think it was rude or odd.

She should have contacted you but i expect it's because she's traveling.

I'm glad you have conceded that it would be mean to uninvited her.

I think the biggest problem was that you agreed for her to stay when you didn't really want to. I think next time you should just be honest and say no.

myownprivateidaho · 20/05/2016 17:06

I missed that the email was yesterday. Why are you assuming she's seen it? Far more likely she hasn't imo.

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2016 17:06

Her emails could be dodgy or something wrong with her phone - can't you just try a text and/or ring your cousin? Failing that, carryon on with your day and if she turns up and has to wait for you, so be it. Does she even know your address?

diddl · 20/05/2016 17:11

I don't really know why people are making excuses for her.

Her dad asked 6weeks ago & last week she said to Op that she would stay.

Would she not have booked a flight or is she just going to stroll into the airport today/tomorrow & get what's on offer?Hmm

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 17:14

Possibly she hasn't seen the email, but presumably she has booked some tickets, and I just don't think it would be unreasonable to let me know when she's coming, seeing as she wants to stay in my house! But agree with PPs, lesson learned and I won't go against my initial instincts of having someone to stay as a favour as it's making me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/05/2016 17:14

I think I'd contact your cousin, tell him that you've heard nothing & assume that she has made other arrangements.

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 17:16

She was also posting on Instagram yesterday so don't think her internet is a problem.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/05/2016 17:17

can you call her dad?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2016 17:17

You do come across as nice, Guinevere, just that you had a very definite idea in your head of how things were going to be and this houseguest isn't 'playing ball' and she hasn't even arrived yet.

I would shelve the idea of taking her out on her first night, she may be tired, may have made plans too hook up with friends or go out somewhere. Your idea of giving her a key and letting her get on with it is probably going to irk you less than having to try to second-guess what she wants to do. Do what YOU want to do, it's your house. If she has manners to ask you for something that involves you/your time then you can make plans then - for now, do the bare minimum and just make her welcome to help herself.

rookiemere · 20/05/2016 17:19

When OP reluctantly agreed to house the 21 year old, she would at that time made the not unreasonable assumption that the guest would act like a normal person i.e. let her know when she was going to arrive.

That's the problem, not the fact that the Op isn't keen on house guests.

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 17:21

Yep, might try getting in touch with her Dad if I hear nothing by tonight.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 20/05/2016 17:22

A lone YANBU here!

100% she has read the email- she will have a smart phone and her emails synced. She clearly just hasn't organised herself enough to let you know.

I would email again and say you assume she's made other plans and wish her well.

BorisIsBack · 20/05/2016 17:24

Oh God I had this happen several years ago. I tried initially to say no to the girl but her father didn't take no as an answer. She was a nightmare start to finish and I had to ask her to leave in the end. Hope your experience us better than mine.

BuddyC4t · 20/05/2016 17:25

I would definitely not like not knowing what's going on as like to have everything planned out in advance. That said, I don't think I'd withdraw the offer but just be firm with the rules of my home.

Buggers · 20/05/2016 17:29

Was email done over Facebook or an actual e-mail website?

Peanutbutterrules · 20/05/2016 17:32

I had something similar - step daughter of a friend (new husband so didn't know any of them). Drove me bonkers in the run up. Texted at 5am to apologise for not being in touch (I had emailed her step mum as was getting frustrated).

She ended up being a lovely house guest, very considerate. Just a bit scatty.

Was very glad I gave her the benefit of the doubt - and I hate having house guests.

starfishmummy · 20/05/2016 17:38

Shes probably gone off with a boyfriend and is just using you to throw her Dad off the scent!!

5BlueHydrangea · 20/05/2016 17:44

Would think her Dad has given her your no. and address so she may just turn up!
My parents have a German friend like this. A couple of times has just called then and said 'we're in London for a few days, can we stay?' And then turned up shortly afterwards, once with 4 kids in tow!

WipsGlitter · 20/05/2016 17:45

I'd email her dad.