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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw an invitation to a houseguest?

207 replies

GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 15:23

About six weeks ago, my cousin contacted me telling me that his daughter was wanting to come to London in the summer (they’re Australian, his daughter is currently studying in Italy). He was asking did I know of any cheap accommodation/jobs that she could do? I could kind of guess where this was heading, but said I would ask among friends, and have a think about job opportunities. Sure enough, a few weeks later he asked would it be possible for her to stay with me when she first arrived while she sorted herself out. She’s meant to be due on the 21st. I’m not crazy about the idea of a barely-known 21-year-old staying in my house, but I said that would be absolutely fine for a little while (we have someone due to stay in June anyway), and she should get in touch with me. To be honest, I’m a little annoyed that this has all come through her dad - if she was sixteen I could understand it, but she’s 21 and living halfway round the world!

Eventually, last week I get an email from the girl herself (let’s call her Lucy). Lucy writes a nice email thanking me for the offer, how grateful she is, looking forward to seeing me, etc etc. Very nice, I think, and write her a kind email back telling her a bit about our area (in zone 6 so not exactly central!) and how we’d pick her up from the station if she lets me know when she’s arriving. Since then, I’ve heard nothing. I emailed her yesterday briefly asking her to confirm if she’s even coming on the 21st, and roughly what time. Still not heard anything. I’m getting rather pissed off now – I’m a bit uncomfortable about having an unknown relative to stay anyway as I like my own space, but the whole manner it’s been organised (i.e. through her dad rather than her) has not helped at all.

I told DH this morning that if I hadn’t heard from her by lunchtime I’d tell her it was all off. He thought that was really mean, saying she was just a kid, but she’s 21 and studying abroad!! If you want to stay with someone for free, I would have though telling them the basics, i.e. when you plan to arrive, was pretty standard! I’ve had to rearrange plans because I don’t know if/when to expect her. WIBU to say she’s had her chance, and if she can’t be bothered to get in touch with her plans she can’t be that interested in staying? (Disclaimer – I did meet her when she was 14 and found her a bit vapid and annoying – she’s fond of duck face poses on Instagram, and is very invested in her appearance (to be fair, she is stunning and has done some modelling). I think I am almost intimidated by the thought of having her stay, but I do feel like I’ve been treated a bit rudely.) Or am I just out of touch with the younger generation and expecting too much? I’m 37 and DH and I have no DC.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 20/05/2016 16:04

You clearly don't want her to stay. You should have said no. As it is, you have agreed already so YABU. Give her the benefit of the doubt regarding the email and don't let your personal insecurities spoil what could well be a very positive experience. And in future just say no. I feel a bit sorry for her, knowing she's potentially heading somewhere she's obviously not welcome.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 20/05/2016 16:05

I think you are being a bit harsh.

I would assume that she had left her accomodation and was travelling with limited email access.

You are right that she should have let you know an arrival time etc (that would annoy me too) but don't withdraw the invite - that would be mean.

Re the "she's too pretty to stay thing" for goodness grow up get some perspective.

DoItTooJulia · 20/05/2016 16:07

I don't think you can withdraw the offer now. She may be travelling and unable to email/have Internet access. (Annoying though it is)

I don't think there's any harm in telling her, when she arrives, that you were disappointed that she didn't reply and confirm everything. And to let her know what you expect while she's staying.

You know what though, you could have some fun if you welcome her with open arms-she may be great company and you never know, you might enjoy doing some tourist-y stuff with her.

SideOfFoot · 20/05/2016 16:16

The time to say no to the visit was when you were first asked which you didn't do, I don't think you can turn her away now. Try your best to have a good time and turn it into a positive experience, go into it with a positive attitude when she does arrive. If there are things you want her to do or not do set rules as soon as she arrives so you are not in this situation again of wanting to change your mind.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2016 16:16

It is not 'uptight' to expect someone you barely know, who is after free accommodation, to keep you informed of their plans, and at least let you know in plenty of time when they'll be coming. Especially if they want to be picked up! It isn't 'easygoing' not to do this - it's a lack of consideration and manners, and a 21 year old should know better.

I often had young Aussie friends of dds' staying here and they all had considerably better manners than this.

JapaneseSlipper · 20/05/2016 16:20

YANBU not to want her to stay, you have the right to say no and she sounds a bit irritating.

You are however being weird about her dad doing the asking in the first place. Are you honestly saying that you would not have found it weird for her to message you out of the blue to ask that sort of favour?

MistressDeeCee · 20/05/2016 16:22

YANBU for not wanting to stay, but YABVU for agreeing, when you dislike anyone staying with you. The worst thing tho, are the unkind comments you've made, as if being a goodlooking woman is a crime and she is to be judged adversely on that. Its best she doesn't come to stay because if she gets an inkling you don't like her and think of her as vain, vapid or whatever else then its going to cause friction especially if you show irritation. You sound as if you'd have been happier if she was plainer, which isn't on really.

She hasn't responded anyway which I agree is rude of her but still, you're rude too in a different way, its just that she doesn't know it. So if the visit and extended stay doesn't take place its best all round I think

Leta86 · 20/05/2016 16:24

YABVU, you don't want her over and any excuse will do. How would you feel if you set up a vacation and when you arrived at your destination, to be told the host changed their mind and you're on your own? Get a grip, get it over with and try to be nice. You might actually like her.

WriteforFun1 · 20/05/2016 16:25

sorry, she's due on the 21st May - as in tomorrow?

I'd call it off.

namechangeparents · 20/05/2016 16:25

Do you really think she's a threat re your DH? She may well be pretty but is she really going be interested in her cousin's husband who (presumably) is a great deal older than she is?

However, it's very rude not to clarify your plans and I would have behaved a lot better than she has at 21. Australian or not, manners are manners.

Original poster
GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 16:25

JapaneseSlipper - not really, no! That's what I would have done, I think (though given that I had lost my significant parent as a teenager I was more used to doing that kind of thing).

OP posts:
Original poster
GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 16:27

I really really am not concerned about the looks thing - I was not really serious, and I'm sure she'd have no interest in my DH, who's probably an old man as far as she's concerned. Forget I said it.

OP posts:
Wabe · 20/05/2016 16:29

You are however being weird about her dad doing the asking in the first place. Are you honestly saying that you would not have found it weird for her to message you out of the blue to ask that sort of favour?

I'd find it strange. She's an adult, she's met the OP and together enough to be travelling around a foreign continent. At 21 (when I was also travelling alone on another continent) I'd have found it incredibly infantilising to have my parent contact a relative about putting me up, like I was a ten year old on a sleepover.

To be honest, OP, I'd have breezily quashed the idea of having her to stay at the initial enquiry stage, but I don't think you're being at all unreasonable in expecting that someone for whom you're doing the huge favour of giving her free accommodation in an expensive city in a new country while she set up a job and somewhere to live would have made all possible efforts to minimise inconvenience to you by letting you know when she was arriving at the very least.

It would make me wonder about quite how unpleasant it was going to be having someone so thoughtless staying with me.

MrsMushrooms · 20/05/2016 16:29

I think YABquiteU, especially having already offered. I get that her looks clearly bother you, but it's very unfair to have that cloud your judgement of her. As she's traveling, she's probably not even checked her emails and thinks she's already been in touch and confirmed what date she'll be arriving, etc.

If you're that bothered, call her dad and see if you can get a number for her, but I think it's your own issues about guests / her looks / needing to plan around everything in advance which are working you up here, not her behaviour. Having agreed to let her stay (and thus books flights, etc, accordingly no doubt) you're going to need to just get over all that because you're a bit far in now.

juneau · 20/05/2016 16:31

Well she's going to have to get in touch sooner or later. She may, if she's travelling, have problems connecting to wifi (if we're being charitable!), or she may just be so self-centred that it hasn't occurred to her how inconvenient it is for you having her to stay in the first place and not knowing when the hell she is arriving. I would leave the ball in her court. You've emailed her. Go about your normal business tomorrow and don't wait in unnecessarily.

How long is she supposed to be staying, btw? There was a message by another poster this week bemoaning an Australian visitor who was in her spare room/office, sound asleep at 10am (in spite of OP telling her that she worked from 9-5 every day in that room), and hadn't made any moves to find a job after a week in this country .... so I would try not to make this an open-ended arrangement!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2016 16:31

No, you can't politely withdraw the invitation to stay but you can say that she must make her own way to your home.

You sound intimidated and by your own admission, this girl is stunning. Do you think that is behind your reticence here rather than non-communication? It could be lack of manners or it could be that she's not had access to her e-mails. You're not a hotel, you're family so why do you require such formality? I get that you would have appreciated a reply from her but to suggest that you'll withdraw the invitation is just rude on your part.

Do you really want your husband to be sticking up for her because you're being unreasonable (which I think you are)? I can't see that that would help you since you're already so sensitised to this girl being there.

Cut the stay short - help her find alternative accommodation and be gracious. You agreed to that. She's 21, an adult yes but a young one and unless you think her non-replying is a slight against you then behave better than she is.

zzzzz · 20/05/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2016 16:34

Missed your latest post OP; but it rankled enough to mention it... and it wasn't relevant to your post.

bakeoffcake · 20/05/2016 16:34

I'd be annoyed too but as the mum of a 21 yo DD, I'd be a bit worried something has happened to her. she's probably just drink though So if you haven't heard from her by tonight I would contact her dad.

MatildaTheCat · 20/05/2016 16:36

She probably conducting her life on whatsapp or Facebook etc rather than email so might well not have seen your email. She thinks you've said yes and are expecting her tomorrow and no doubt she will rock up. By all means contact her dad and press for more detail if you are bothered.

I would be a bit irritated by all this. We have Australian cousins who stayed last year. Never met before and a family of 4. I was very worried and not looking forward to it but they were great and it was fun getting to know one another.

However, do set an end date from the start. Just say pleasantly that you can put her up for X amount of time only due to y reason. Otherwise she might get a bit too settled especially if you have a spare room.

Have fun.

poochiepants · 20/05/2016 16:36

It's a bit late to withdraw the offer, but have/can you set a time limit to how long she stays? Friends of mine had that problem years ago (ironically, kids of Aussie friends) and they stayed for 3 months! Sorry..... So now they have a 2 week rule, and it's clear from the start that whoever stays has to leave 14 days after their agreed arrival date. Sounds very harsh, but it's all done in a lovely way, sets the base rule, and enables them to have other 'rules' too....

Original poster
GuinevereBeck · 20/05/2016 16:44

I have already given her a time limit as we have another guest due in June, so not so worried about that. I accept IABU and am not going to withdraw the offer. And am going to try and look on the bright side, she could be lovely. To be fair, her email to me was very nice, but it's just the uncertainty is getting me down! I wish I knew when she was coming as I can't relax.

OP posts:
twofingerstoGideon · 20/05/2016 16:45

YABU. It's too last-minute to cancel. That would be really unfair on her. Maybe she has no access to email at the moment. Give the poor girl a break. And, in future, don't agree to do things that you clearly don't want to do.

myownprivateidaho · 20/05/2016 16:48

I think you're being completely unreasonable. You have taken against her because of how she looks and because you don't like her Instagram. I'm afraid she's not the one who comes out of that looking shallow. It's a bit rude that she hasn't replied, but it's not a huge deal - does it actually matter when she shows up? If you're out that's her problem not yours. Just email her telling her she can only come after x time if there's a problem in that regard. It is a complete dick move to invite someone to stay then cancel just after they've got off their flight, I actually can't believe you're considering it. Her age makes absolutely no difference, it's dickish no matter what the age (and gender).

londonrach · 20/05/2016 16:50

Too late to cancel now op...