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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 11:55

"our brother and sister had a falling out,our brother feels we all sided with our sister-which we didn't,he now will not come to family things incase our sister is there"

there you go - he didn't want her to be there, and thought it would be easier if they just did it in private, rather than "oh please cant she come" and family pressure -
makes perfect sense now

ParanoidGynodroid · 19/05/2016 11:55

YABVU - lots of people want a small, quiet wedding. It's no one else's right to attend. The fact that your and your family's first instinct is NOT to congratulate him but to get annoyed speaks volumes about why they wanted a small private wedding in the first place.
When DH and I went to visit DFIL (who lives a very long way away) and his partner, it was only after several hours of us being there that he said "Oh by the way we got married a few weeks ago, just a little ceremony" "Congratulations" said we, and we carried on with our conversation.

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 11:56

but you dont have the 'right' to be annoyed, its not about you - its his (and wife's) day, not yours

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:56

But why are you annoyed, OP?

And why are you still on here and not phoning to congratulate him?

maz210 · 19/05/2016 11:57

After reading that there's been a family fall out I would say that this is why your brother's got married in secret. We had feuds going on with both sides of our family when we married and if we'd done a traditional wedding there would have been significant people missing. It was the less stressful option to just have nobody there.

MardleBum · 19/05/2016 11:57

I don't see what he's done wrong. If he'd had a lovely wedding with a few guests and a nice lunch party behind your back then fair enough, be annoyed, but he's just gone off with two witnesses. What's the issue? Confused He doesn't owe you any sort of explanation.

Even if he had told you in advance he was not obliged to have you present if they just wanted a small and perfunctory civil ceremony with no fuss, so I don't think you've missed out on anything at all by not knowing until afterwards.

MrsBed2b · 19/05/2016 11:59

You're fuming because he had the wedding he wanted?

I see my DM and OH's parents all the time, we are still planning on getting married without anyone there.
Its our day and we want it just us an our kids.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:59

our sister isn't very well off her partner is in and out of jobs,our parents help her lots because she always needs something,money,food,babysitter,But he is more independent and wouldn't ask even if he was struggling,our sister is always round mum and dads,so I guess he just assumed we all took her side as we saw her more,not because we actually took her side,mum and dad have tried to get them to sort it out but they wont,he hasn't spoken to her for 6 years,so for 6 years he hasn't been to family gatherings incase she is there

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 19/05/2016 11:59

Why not ring him up and say, "Congratulations, so pleased for you both, why don't you come round and we'll have a meal/party/boozey knees up to celebrate".

^This. Use this as an opportunity to build bridges with him. And ring him to say congratulations! We are getting married in a month with no parents there. We're on speaking terms, but don't get on well enough for me to want to share the day with them. If he's wary of fallout / some issue with a sibling he may have though long and hard and decided that this was the approach that suited him and his now wife. Or he may not be fussed about wedding logistics and just wanted to be wed. Try to support him and not take it personally.

64PooLane · 19/05/2016 12:00

I expect he does get why you're a bit annoyed, just doesn't agree that you've a right to be, so he's announcing his good news rather than apologising for it.

Nobody owes it to their family to get married in a particular way. Plenty of people are happier and more relaxed without their families around, for all sorts of different reasons, and they shouldn't have to apologise for that.

So he isn't sorry. Which is fine, because he's done nothing wrong.

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 12:00

Loopy I think you are at one of those moments in life where you get to make a difference.

You can continue to feel annoyed and to act in a way that shows your DB and yourself that he really is not a close family member any more, or

You can chose to shrug it all off and make a phone call. Persist in being a sister and helping both you and your DB get past the family rift.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:00

Maybe the OP is annoyed her brother didn't have a big wedding with everyone invited to avoid anyone else having to do anything to patch up the family feud?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:01

and when we invite him round saying no one will be here as in our sister isn't coming,he still wont come incase she turns up

OP posts:
IceMaiden73 · 19/05/2016 12:01

What's he done wrong? He is entitled to go and get married when he wants to, the family are not entitled to be there !

IWILLgiveupsugar · 19/05/2016 12:01

I think the OP is getting a bit of an unfair hammering. While some people (me included) see a wedding as purely between the couple getting married, other people do see it as more of a family event and so will feel hurt if excluded from it. If the OP is trying to include her brother in her life and he consistently refuses to go to family gatherings etc, then it is one more slap in the face where he is making it clear he doesn't want or need her or their parents/siblings. Hard not to be hurt. It is easier to feel happy about a couple's choice to elope (and not take it personally) when the relationships are generally good.

Also, unpopular to say it but it does sometimes happen that a man meets a woman and she gradually gets him to freeze out his family. I'd be gutted if it was my son or brother. I imagine the OP is feeling hurt on her parents behalf as well.

I would have loved to go off and get married with just me and dh and while it would have absolutely been my right to do so, I knew that it would hurt my parents and siblings and ils so I didn't do it. The OPs brother is clearly sending a message that how his family feels is not a consideration at all for him.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 19/05/2016 12:03

OurBlanche is spot on. How you respond to this will make a massive difference to your future relationship.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:04

hes at work now anyway so wont pick up his phone,im just sad that I didn't see my brother get married

OP posts:
ArmfulOfRoses · 19/05/2016 12:04

Oh op my comment about conceiving in secret was a bit snarky and I'm sorry, but I really do agree with pp.

You say this has come about as a result of a family feud, well right now you can choose to start another one, or ring him to congratulate them on their happy news.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:05

For some reason he obviously doesn't believe that you didn't side with your sister. And maybe you can see why - before you corrected yourself, you referred to him almost as an outsider. Even now you say he doesn't speak to her, but surely she doesn't speak to him either?

Choceeclair123 · 19/05/2016 12:05

I'm with leelu66 here and don't know why you're getting a kicking OP / posters ranting / off-loading on you....

You have every right to your feelings. Your family are important to you, of course you're hurt Flowers

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:05

Text him, then phone him later.

EssentialHummus · 19/05/2016 12:06

and when we invite him round saying no one will be here as in our sister isn't coming,he still wont come incase she turns up

If you're worried about this, don't make it a "whole family" thing - invite him and his to your place, just your two little families.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:06

iwillgiveupsugar thank you that's exactly it

OP posts:
CarolH78 · 19/05/2016 12:06

"he just doesn't seem to get why we would all be a bit annoyed"

He's not the only one who doesn't get this, OP. If your first reaction to the news is being annoyed at not being invited instead of happy and congratulating him, then he's the one who should feel annoyed not you.

Frankly, he's probably feeling vindicated as to why he doesn't make any effort to see you in general. I imagine he's thinking "see, this is exactly why I don't get on with my family". If you actually want to see him more and be closer with him, you need to build some bridges here pronto. "Congratulations on your happy news!" would be a good start.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 12:07

loopylooloo1 your wording is beyond "bad" if you entitled this thread with furious and you're now saying you're just "a bit annoyed"? Seems to me more like you've realised you have been in the wrong and just don't want to admit that. I think admitting it is the best way to build bridges though. Just call him, explain you massively overreacted and you understand he was right to prioritise him and his DW's wants over anyone else's and ask if you can send them a congratulatory bottle of fizz or something. and buy yourself one too for doing the right thing