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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
MyDobbygotgivenasock · 20/05/2016 03:45

I think you'd be doing your brother a favour to just let him live his life in peace with his little family who love him.

Your mum is an adult and if she has allowed your sister to be a spoilt brat and behave so poorly then frankly it's tough she's upset now - that would be called the consequences of her actions coming home to roost and I don't think she has the right. If your mother provides the bulk of your sister's childcare as well as yours then that sounds like nothing more than a petulant empty threat, as if someone so feckless would give up the easy option of a mother who panders to her. She also won't apologise for being vile. You can't seem to make an independent decision and don't seem at all bothered about your brother, sil and dn but prefer to moan about what they aren't providing for you - a wedding invitation, a mummy friend, playmates for your children - while being full of excuses as to why you can't possibly do any more.
I can't blame him one bit for realising how the land lies and wanting rid of the whole boiling of you. He's been treated badly and it gave him good reason to take an objective look at things, he made his decision, he didn't choose you lot. I don't know about his father and other sibs but it sounds like he's out on his own so that's fairly telling.
Your story changes every time it's challenged but it seems like there's objections to his wife, he chose her and his happy with that choice. Your mum/parents don't like it but their actions clearly showed which child they chose. Once you've made your bed you can't moan about having to lay in it.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 20/05/2016 09:37

What Dobby says with bells on. No reason why you couldn't have gone around last night to leave something to say you've heard, you care, you're happy for him and to start to build bridges whilst the news is fresh. I doubt you did. Very sad that you and he don't just ignore everyone else and restart a relationship on his terms (you know, cos he's the one that's been wronged for the last 6 years).

Handsupbabyhandsup · 20/05/2016 09:57

I understand. Both my siblings have chosen to get married and not invite me or my family.

It might not be about me but I'm hurt and it's ruined my relationship with both of them.

BathshebaDarkstone · 20/05/2016 10:11

Half of my family are from Yorkshire, they refer to "me mum" and "me dad", even if they're talking to siblings. I also say "my mum" and "my dad". Hmm

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2016 16:45

Handsupbabyhandsup

From what the OP has posted, the relationship was ruined before the wedding.

HooplaLoopla1 · 20/05/2016 17:51

  1. why are you so convinced that he'll think your other sister is going to show up if you/your mum/Uncle Bob from no 21 go to visit him?

  2. why are you fuming/annoyed/irritated/disappointed you weren't invited to his wedding yet you've repeatedly said you're not close to him, you never have been and in fact, you're so distant from him, you would feel 'weird' visiting him on your own?

  3. just a random stab in the dark, but are you jealous? You have made every excuse imaginable, mainly centred around your Mum, as to why you can't visit him, is that because he's made the break and stands on his own 2 feet and makes his own decisions like an adult should and you don't feel able to do the same, so you're feeling resentful of that? In all honesty, that's what I'm picking up from what you've written.

Smurfnoff · 20/05/2016 17:57

'Man who I never see and don't appear to like doesn't invite me to wedding'.

Hardly headline news.

MrJones1977 · 20/05/2016 18:04

Some people don't want fuss and he probably just wanted a quick ceremony. Can't you just be happy for him and not be prissy just because you weren't involved?

ThatWhiteElephant · 20/05/2016 18:20

My brother did this, I was very happy for him. I knew he didn't want a big fuss and he was happy.
I don't really understand why this would annoy you. Isn't your brothers happiness the most important thing?

Heavens2Betsy · 20/05/2016 18:31

I wonder how all these posters who think it's fine would feel if their dc get married without telling them in the future!!!
I wouldn't be bothered if my brother did this but can imagine being upset if ds got married without telling me tbh

SuburbanRhonda · 20/05/2016 18:37

I wonder how all these posters who think it's fine would feel if their dc get married without telling them in the future!!!
I wouldn't be bothered if my brother did this but can imagine being upset if ds got married without telling me tbh

Have you not read the OP? It's not her DC who got married in private, it's her brother Hmm.

Pettywoman · 20/05/2016 18:46

My brother didn't tell us for years. He told my Mum the night before my wedding, approximately ten years later. Meh, his business.

Notmuchtosay1 · 20/05/2016 19:16

My mum did this. Phoned me to say she'd got rid of her awful surname (same as mine and my Dad's) I didn't get what she meant to start with. She had got married, they had a few friends with them but I wasn't on her invitation list. Neither were her 3 grandsons. Her decision I guess. I will do the same to her one day. I am an only child so I look forward to phoning and saying "we got married today" maybe I'm selfish. But I'm just showing her how it feels. We won't have any guests at ours, just 2 witnesses.

TrillKitten · 20/05/2016 20:07

Notmuchtosay1 ... Wait. Are you really saying you'd make decisions about how to start a new chapter in your relationship with your DP on the basis of what would most hurt your mum?

... I. don't. even. Confused

People on this thread are weird. Folks' weddings are about them! They're not about you. You are not entitled to know / be invited to anyone else's ceremony! What is so difficult about letting people celebrate their own damn relationships as loudly or quietly as suits them?

Notmuchtosay1 · 20/05/2016 20:39

No I am not trying to hurt my mum. We don't have that sort of relationship. I have said to her that IF we get married it will be just the 2 of us. So she has been told. We've no plans on getting married. But I would still like to phone and say we were married. It's what she did to me. But I don't think she would be bothered in the slightest. She lives in her own happy bubble. She didn't meet her 3rd grandchild until he was 6 as she was "too busy" So me getting married without her I don't think would bother her. I didn't mind her not inviting us to hers. It just felt weird at the time.

VioletSunshine · 20/05/2016 20:41

my sister will not not be included in family things so that he can come,she has children so my mum feels like if she says to her you cant come this time as your bro is coming,that my sister could use the kids and not let my mum see them

You can see why your brother may feel you all picked sister's side 6 years ago now then?
Your mum feels his trainwreck of a sister, who apparently said something totally not on about his wife, might use her kids to punish the rest of you for supporting your brother. But his DC? No problem.

I can see from here, with everything you've said about the situation, why your brother has distanced himself from you all.

It's a privilege to be invited to someone's wedding. You all clearly lost that privilege when you took your sister's side and pushed your brother out.

I'm sorry OP, but you, your mam, the rest of your family, would all be incredibly unreasonable to be furious or upset at your brother for not being a part of his wedding.
But you all wouldn't be unreasonable if you were furious or upset with yourselves collectively for making your brother feel like he wasn't a part of your family anymore after he was wronged.

Congratulate him and his wife already :)

SuburbanRhonda · 20/05/2016 20:43

You don't sound mature enough to get married, notmuch, so I doubt the situation will ever arise.

SanityAssassin · 20/05/2016 20:59

Me and DH got married abroad and it was just us - we didn't invite anyone family or friends. It was lovely. We did tell family we were getting married though so we had a small family party when we got back. No one was mad at us.

BananaThePoet · 20/05/2016 21:17

My husband and I got married over 25 years ago without telling any of our relatives. In fact the first time I met his mum he introduced me by saying 'Meet the wife.' His mum was over the moon we were married.
My mum and dad were absolutely fine about it too. My brothers never behaved any differently towards me nor did they ever say they were bothered about how we went about getting married.
The actual wedding didn't mean a great deal to the pair of us and we certainly weren't going to spend money we didn't have making a big (or any) fuss about it. The important thing to us was to be married. Thankfully our friends and relatives are more bothered about their relationship with us than standing about eating free food and knocking back free booze and making small talk with each other.
I don't think anyone should have to 'have a wedding' to please relatives etc. If they want to do that sort of thing then that's their choice but if they don't it is just as valid and okay a choice.
Anyone who thinks they are entitled to have decisions made of that magnitude just to satisfy their idea of 'what is done' needs to have a good long think about their priorities in my opinion.

Notmuchtosay1 · 20/05/2016 21:30

Yes my thoughts exactly. (Sanity assassin) If we marry it will just be the 2 of us. Nicer that way. I feel I'm too old for a big wedding. If I were to have something bigger then of course my Mum would be invited. But we've been together 22 years and may not ever get married. Though we are engaged. But in the back of my mind I still think I'd like to phone my mum and say "we got married today" if I thought it would bother her then I wouldn't say it. But it won't. Families are very different. My Mum's relationship with me is very different to the relationship I hope I'll have with my boys when they grow up. I would be very hurt if they got married without me. But it's up to them if they do that one day then so be it.

Lozzamas · 21/05/2016 14:48

I understand your disappointment. It's sort of your brothers declaration that there is no going back. The fact he rang his Mum and told her means he still feels a responsibility/duty to his parents.... But that's probably as far as it goes for him. My own DB despite there never being any rift became more "detached" once he had his own family. We are on good terms he's only 30 mins away but we only see him a couple of times a year... We are all different- I have a colleague who has 2 children with his DP and his DP would like to elope- she has low self esteem and doesn't want the attention of being a bride. He won't elope as he is concerned what his DB and parents would think of him not inviting them. As a result he risks his own family stability and happiness due to a perceived judgement from his birth family. I'm glad your brother hasn't done this and made his commitment to his family. Please be happy for him - there is no going back to how things were, so now you decide how you go forward are you happy for him in which case let him know or if your not forget him and move on.

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