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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 19/05/2016 12:07

If you don't think he will come round, then just phone to say congratulations & id love to hear about your day. Are you going on a honeymoon etc. If you aren't sure about hoe he'd respond, send them a card & flowers saying congratulations.

You've got a real opportunity to open up the relationship. Use it.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:07

Nobody is giving the OP a kicking, just disagreeing with her, suggesting why her brother might have done what he did and suggesting how she can use this as an opportunity to build bridges.

BertPuttocks · 19/05/2016 12:08

Send them a congratulations card.

It gives them the message that you are happy for them without there being any pressure on your brother to answer the phone or door.

Welshmaenad · 19/05/2016 12:09

You're getting a bit of a hammering OP and fair points are being made but I do understand why you're upset.

My soon to be ex BIL got married in Australia in secret. I totally understand why they did it and it was right for them, and I'm I'm pleased they had the wedding they really wanted. However, whilst I was pleased for them I was sad not to have been able to share their big day with them because I love them dearly and would have adored to see their happiness.

Still, it wasn't what they wanted and it was their wedding not move do ultimately I sucked it up and proffered profuse congratulations and didn't let on for a moment that was disappointed.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:09

OP, what do you plan to do?

Dozer · 19/05/2016 12:10

YABU.

And also unreasonable for getting involved in your parents' relationship with him.

leelu66 · 19/05/2016 12:11

The situation sounds very difficult. Was it a genuine one-off falling out or has there been resentment/rivalry between your DB and Sis in the past?

Unfortunately sibling rivalry is very common and poisonous. Is your Sis the golden child? Was your DB the black sheep?

I think you need to ask them both if they think they could ever have a relationship with the other. If you think each is waiting for the other to apologise, then there could be a way to convince them to make up.

However, if there is really strong feeling against each other (or even if it's only one of them that has strong feelings against the other), then it could be very difficult to get that to patch things up.

Lots of articles online if you google sibling rivalry this one

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:12

I can see why he thinks we sided with her,2 of us are girls so he probably thinks sisters stick together,but we honestly didn't,we told him this we not taking sides don't want to get involved and haven't,but he still refuses to come to any of our houses,we have to visit him at his house,so we don't see him that often as we cant just invite ourselves around as often as we would like to as he has friends and work and wifes family also

OP posts:
64PooLane · 19/05/2016 12:13

OP you do, of course, have a right to your feelings as a pp just said.

But your brother has a right to his too, and it sounds as if there's a tendency within the main family group to dismiss him as difficult/distant without really examining why. (Like: 'I guess he just assumed we all took her side ...' well, did anyone ask/actually think about it in more nuanced terms?)

If you don't give people the benefit of the doubt about their feelings and choices being valid, then over time, of course there will be distance opening up, and of course they aren't going to want to involve you in the most intimate and important bits of their lives. And then if you react to that by getting more upset and suggesting they have done something wrong ... well, that's not going to help.

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 19/05/2016 12:15

If a tree marries in a forest and no one eats a vol au vent, did it really marry?
#mysticface

TheCrumpettyTree · 19/05/2016 12:16

I think that's a lesson for all of us to ponder Becky

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:16

my brother and sister were best friend,never ever argued,as kids if me or other siblings picked on one of them they would always stick up for each other,so no no resentment or golden child or anything like that,she said something quite bad and he will never forgive her for it

OP posts:
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 19/05/2016 12:18

Oh no, there were no vol au vents at my wedding and I live in a place with no trees. Am I really married? Grin

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:19

they will never sort it out,its been 6 years,they haven't spoken or been in the same place since the argument

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 19/05/2016 12:19

u sound quite sympathetic to your sister being a feckless scrounger but you're annoyed he had the wedding he wanted. And you've just mentioned that she said something nasty, but, again, you're still annoyed at him for having the wedding he wanted. This speaks volumes. He's better off out of it.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/05/2016 12:19

Has she ever apologized for it. Have the rest of you ever told her to apologize. have the rest of you ever made it clear to her that her behaviour was unacceptable or is she the baby of the family and indulged in everything she wants.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:21

I will congratulate him obviously,but mum and dad are not happy so no doubt more arguments

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 12:21

I notice you haven't said much about his wife, other than mention her existence. Does the the family like her?

As to the falling out, was it over babysitting or did he ask for help, in some way, and his parents/siblings said they couldn't? If they're always helping his sister and couldn't/wouldn't help him, I can see why he'd be pissed off.

OnGoldenPond · 19/05/2016 12:22

SIL went of to the Seychelles with her long time DP and got married on the beach, no one else there but the minister and a witness from hotel.

She's quite a shy person, hates being in the limelight. They wanted a quiet wedding just the two of them.

No-one got annoyed, the whole family were thrilled for them, including MIL who didn't get to go to the wedding of her only DD.

Shouldn't you just be glad they are happy? How about congratulating them and maybe suggest a drink to celebrate?

You all need to get over yourselves

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:22

Well I can see why he chose to elope then.

The other options were to invite everyone but the sister, making the rift even wider, or inviting her and risking her declining the invitation or turning up and possibly ruining his wedding.

Can you see how he might have decided not to invite you all now, OP?

emeraldlakes · 19/05/2016 12:23

I can understand being upset if he'd arranged a huge wedding and invited pretty much everyone else but since it was just him, his wife and witnesses, they obviously didn't want a 'proper' wedding. Can't say I blame them really

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:24

And you need to stop involving yourself with how your parents behave. They are adults.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:24

I'm not sympathetic to my sister,i tell her she needs to sort herself out,i have told her she is in the wrong but whats done is done,shes said it and he wont forgive her so nothing I can do,no she wont apologise,we have told her to,shes not the baby of the family,our brother is

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 12:24

In what way is a small wedding not a "proper" wedding, emerald?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 12:25

don't get me started on the wife

OP posts:
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