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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 15:10

yeah we are all in and out kitten but at that point in their relationship he was just getting to know her so didn't really bring her round much,so there were not many times for me to get to know her before the rift,then they had a child and it becomes all about the children and conversations about nappies and sleepless nights so I feel I didn't really get to know her, I guess she would rather not see 1 grandchild than not see 4

OP posts:
YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 19/05/2016 15:11

Well you all sound a right shower 🙄
He sounds very sensible.

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 15:11

*normal not moral Grin

LeaveTheBastardingBastard · 19/05/2016 15:11

Got a lot of free time today op?

CarolH78 · 19/05/2016 15:15

"she hasn't really got any friends,she did have but she moved over this way to be nearer to me to look after the children,so i kinda feel guilty as she gave up her life to look after my kids"

Oh boy...

I'm sorry OP but it's sounding more and more like it's your mother who is at the root of a lot of the family problems here. She seems very over-involved and as others have said it all sounds suffocating and frankly quite an unhealthy family dynamic.

You also said there's no chance you would ever have a family event without your sister being invited in case she uses her kids as leverage and threatens to stop you / your mum from seeing them (wow she sounds lovely Hmm) but you don't seem bothered about not seeing your brother's child? So he's right - you and your mum have both picked sides and chosen your sister (the one who made the unpleasant remark and then refused to apologise) over him.

No wonder he's distancing himself. Seriously, ask yourself, if you were in his place, wouldn't you react exactly the same way?

angstybaby · 19/05/2016 15:18

it depends on what his intention was, i think. did he do it to deliberately hurt his parents or you? Has there been bad blood or just a loss of contact? If he just wanted a small wedding and to avoid the awkward discussion of telling his family that he didn't want them there, then I can see why he'd do it without telling you. If he knew that it would hurt them, then maybe I'd be cross. I think kids don't realise how much parents get hurt by a lack of contact or exclusion. i wanted to elope but my mum got really upset so we had a big family wedding instead. now that i have kids i can see why she was so upset though i didn't at the time.

i think parents have a right to be upset but less so a sibling. time to rise above, buy them a present and maybe have a bit more contact.

icy121 · 19/05/2016 15:40

OP sod your parents - you should use this opportunity to have nice time with your brother. Send them a card, and then tell him you're really happy for them and want to give them a celebratory meal. If he won't come to yours, then why not arrange to go out - your family and his family only. Can be something relatively inexpensive and easy - Pizza Express - whatever. Just use the opportunity to extend an olive branch and get to know your brother again and build trust.

It's not up to you to be the family spokesperson; just because you sister won't speak to him, that's not your problem. If your mum wants to come, just be gentle and firm - sorry mum no, I really want to build a bond again with my brother on a sibling/family level. Happy to arrange another catch up in the future with her coming along, but just this once, I want family to family time with him. That's not unusual, and frankly your mum should be really pleased and feel really happy that 2 of her kids are off getting along!

I understand you're upset that you weren't invited/told about the wedding, but he had his reasons. There's no point sitting around and waiting for him to make the first move, if you want to rebuild a relationship that is, take the initiative!

Really hope you can move on from this OP!

PovertyPain · 19/05/2016 16:13

I've a funny feeling I've been had. Hmm

Gazelda · 19/05/2016 16:17

Ok. It's obviously impossible. You have no option but to accept the rift is irreparable. Despite everyone's best efforts, the family has splintered. It's tragic, but Kofi Anan would be beaten by this one.

Chipsahoy · 19/05/2016 16:24

Ugh. The way some people think they own their family is disturbing. I eloped. I has no duty to my parents to allow them to see me get married. I am an adult. It was my choice. Upset I get, but anger or feeling he wronged you, hell no.

ChangedDays · 19/05/2016 16:35

Their wedding, their wishes. Plenty of people to it that way. Don't blame them really!

I hope you have congratulated them & kept your views for MN

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2016 16:36

Is your mum looking after 6+ grandchildren? It's a wonder she has the energy to think to accompany you wherever you go.

I think a failure to act positively and independently to this news will forever damage the relationship with your brother. Ball's in your court OP.

Liiinooo · 19/05/2016 16:37

I've been reading this thread and wondering how I would feel when I suddenly realised the same thing has happened to me...not exactly the same but not dissimilar.

I was v close to my younger brother when we were little but as he got older we drifted apart. He had drug/alcohol issues and would disappear for months at a time and the time he spent away got gradually longer and longer. The longest period was about 5 years and during that time he married and had a child, and our dad died but we couldn't trace my brother to tell him.

When he eventually got back in touch I was sad to have missed out on so much of his life but happy to see him again particularly for my mum's sake.

He is still very distant and erratic, he lives 300 miles away (as far as I know) and I haven't seen him for about 12 years. There has never been a falling out, he just isn't bothered about family. He doesn't have a social media presence and doesn't respond to letters or invitations to family parties. I am sad we don't have a 'real' relationship and probably never will now but I will keep sending cards and invitations in an attempt to keep the door open.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/05/2016 16:38

I think he's had a lucky escape. You're all so busy making excuses for bad behaviour or for inaction, taking sides, punishing each other, fuming at each other - it sounds completely chaotic.

LordoftheTits · 19/05/2016 16:42

My DH and I got married alone in New York - no parents, no friends. Our photographer acted as witness.

Not a single moment of it was about either of our families, it was entirely about us. If anyone in our families had behaved the way you are, I'd be disgusted.

Headofthehive55 · 19/05/2016 17:01

Just ignore the fact he has got married.
It really won't affect your life one bit.

Always makes me puzzled at the number of people who seem to want to do the wedding quietly, then thrust multiple photos at you for admiration. Repeatedly.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 17:44

So - your mother is looking after your sister's four children plus at least two of yours, but if you told her you were going to see your brother she would insist on coming with you despite not being invited, and dragging all six children along as well? Can she not see the problem with that?

Imaginosity · 19/05/2016 18:14

I'm planning on getting married the way your DB did.

I hate being the centre ot attention and get stressed even organising my DCs birthday parties. I'd prefer to be alone and informal.

We're happy not married but will get married as a formality - for the legal protection. If I could just apply online to be married that would suit me down to the ground. I know I don't sound romantic but a wedding is just not something that interests me at all.

I can imagine my SIL reacting like you. She expects a massive all out wedding with distant relatives some of whom I don't know or don't even like. SIL likes to go all out on every occasion she organises. I've no problem with her doing things her way - I just wish she wouldn't be thinking less of me because I do things differently.

willitbe · 19/05/2016 20:37

loopylooloo1 Thu 19-May-16 14:41:47
that's a good idea willitbe, but they also have a child and they would never leave their child with my mum

.....

What has your mum got to do with this?????? surely they can find a babysitter, or already have one. You are making excuses all the time. It would appear you really do not want to have a relationship with your brother. Stop using your mum as an excuse.

JassyRadlett · 19/05/2016 20:40

OP, the thing that really strikes me is that in the argument, the rest of you responded by saying that you didn't want to get involved/take sides. If what your sister said was so awful (and to your brother unforgivable) he may have felt really unsupported by this - ie you were siding with your sister by refusing to call her out on her awful behaviour or tell him that you supported him and that she was completely in the wrong. Instead she gets away with it because no one wants to rock the boat.

'I don't want to get involved' isn't a panacea, in the wrong circumstances it can be really hurtful and it may have contributed to a sense of mistrust between you and your brother - when it counted to him, my might feel you didn't have his back.

leelu66 · 19/05/2016 21:19

Well said Jassy I thought the same.

Silverstitcher · 19/05/2016 21:30

YABU to be angry with your brother. If he had invited your family can you imagine how dificult it wiuld have been. Your Mum would have wanted to attend but he wouldn't have wanted your sister there. If your Mum had gone your sister would have threatened her with not seeing the grandchildren-not surprising he wanted to get married quietly.

Your sister sounds lovely-saying something unforgivable to your brother, using her kids to keep your Mum in line. I feel a bit sorry for your Mum but in your shoes I would definitely congratulate your brother and give him a gift. He has been thrown under the bus to appease your sister.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/05/2016 22:28

Are you Carla Lane?

I think that you need to step back from your whole family and have a look at what is really going on

nudeynuderson · 19/05/2016 23:36

This sounds like the kardashians. Is your brother Rob Kardashian Op?

waitingforsomething · 20/05/2016 02:18

I would have been disappointed to miss my brother getting married but it doesn't sound like he is close to the rest of you. I would quit fuming about it, congratulate him and his wife and offer to visit one day in the near future to have a quiet drink and celebrate with them

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