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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:30

Sorry cross post - RING HIM!

Hi DB, mum said you rang to say you snuck off to get married. How romantic, congratulations!

Original poster

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:30

he phoned my mum this morning to tell her, she said he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong,i have not yet spoken to him

OP posts:

SandunesAndRainclouds · 19/05/2016 11:31

One of my siblings did this last week.

Present were his new wife's DCs and their 2 best friends.

No fuss, no silly poem, no gift list... Just marriage. Lovely and we are all happy for them.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:31

He phoned your mum?

How come you didn't write our mum?

Whathaveilost · 19/05/2016 11:31

I get you OP.
I know he is your brother but I would be upset if one of my sons got married and told me afterwards.
Call me clingy or whatever but I would like to be part of their important day.

leelu66 · 19/05/2016 11:32

YANBU, OP, you're getting a kicking here for no reason.

Either something has happened that makes him feel like he's not part of the family, or else he thinks he doesn't need his family anymore as he has a partner now, and maybe friends.

He may have also got a kick out of upsetting you all as well.

If you're sure there is no reason for him to behave this way (i.e. he wasn't treated as the black sheep of the family), then I wouldn't run after him asking him for an explanation. I would respond with silence.

I know it must hurt a lot

Kwirrell · 19/05/2016 11:32

I don't know how you can say from the original post surburbanRhonda that the op does not feel family is important. It is hard to be close to someone who puts a shield around themselves.

I agree that she has no right to be furious, but she is mostly likely coming from the point of view of the perceived hurt to her parents.

All of the OP's family have to recognise that the brother and his wife did not set out to offend or hurt. Most likely they just wanted to regularise their relationship, now that they have a child. It was not a 'traditional wedding' more of a formality.

Accepting the brother for what he is, is much more likely to bring them closer than anything else.

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:33

That sounds nice. Did your mum congratulate him? Sounds as though she did not, or why would he have had to defend his actions?

If you want to ring him. If you don't then accept he is not, as an adult, a close family member any more.

But accept that this is as much your choice as his. Don't waste your time and emotional energy being furious. It doesn't do you any good.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:33

But presumably whathaveilost, that's because you're close to them?

The OP isn't close to her brother and hardly ever sees him.

Pinkheart5915 · 19/05/2016 11:33

he phoned my mum this morning to tell her, she said he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong,i have not yet spoken to him

That's because his done nothing wrong OP, he got married didn't commit a crime.

DistanceCall · 19/05/2016 11:33

He hasn't done anything wrong. You were not entitled to go to his wedding. He preferred an intimate ceremony. For reasons which are somewhat easy to guess.

shoeaddict83 · 19/05/2016 11:34

OP you keep saying he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong and hes absolutely right- he hasnt!!!
Its their day - not yours or your parents - they are entitled to elope if they wish! just be happy for them if your brother means that much, if you cant be happy for them then you im sorry but you obviously dont care that much about him so why should you be 'fuming'? very odd?

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:34

It is hard to be close to someone who puts a shield around themselves.

And I don't know how you can infer that from the OP.

CurlyBlueberry · 19/05/2016 11:34

It is absolutely his and his wife's choice; but I have to say I would be shocked and yes, upset and disappointed if my brother did this. It would go against the general family 'ethos' I had thought we shared, if that makes sense.

I wouldn't say anything other than 'congratulations' etc and I would wish them happiness and so on, but I don't think it is unreasonable to feel upset. It would be unreasonable to harangue them about their choice.

Whathaveilost · 19/05/2016 11:35

He phoned your mum?

How come you didn't write our mum.
Blimey, I would have said that was a figure of speech.
When I talk to my sister sometimes refer to mum as 'my mum', 'our mum', or just 'mum'
Poor poster is getting a bit of a hammering!

VulcanWoman · 19/05/2016 11:35

I can understand why you're upset but best let him just get on with it and your get on with your life.

Original poster

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:36

of course hes family,im just saying 'he' and 'my' to save confusion,also not wanting to write their actual names,we all make an effort with him by inviting him to family things,we all have kids so inviting his child to parties etc,but he never comes,mum and dad only see him if they go to his house he wont go to theirs

OP posts:

ArmfulOfRoses · 19/05/2016 11:36

He and his wife will be conceiving in secret next if you don't take the situation in hand

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 11:36

DH and I did this - just went off ,grabbed two people as witnesses then phoned everybody afterwards. Every single friend and relative was supportive and happy for us and congratulated us with the exception of SS2 who made a sarky remark like 'Thanks for the invite !' when told by DH ( even though had no interest whatsoever in socialising with DH despite being asked repeatedly to go for a drink etc. over many years much to DHs dismay :/ ) But you always get one I suppose. So no you had no right to be angry at your brother any more than SS2 had to be at us.

VimFuego101 · 19/05/2016 11:37

He's your brother, not your possession. He isn't obliged to invite you to anything.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:37

I would definitely have said "our mum" and "our siblings".

I agree with a pp that the OP doesn't seem to consider him
part of the family.

Kidnapped · 19/05/2016 11:37

Maybe wait a couple of days to see if he wants to tell you himself.

If not then call him and congratulate him. You could always suggest that you, your sibings and parents put on a small party for them in order to celebrate the marriage. Just a barbecue or something. Would be a nice gesture.

SistersOfPercy · 19/05/2016 11:37

If I could go back 20 years I'd do the same thing.

Your reaction should have been 'How lovely! Congratulations'.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 11:38

ArmfulOfRoses

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2016 11:38

armful

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