to be furious with my brother

[loopylooloo1]

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

I think by the way you are writing it is pretty clear why your db eloped.

armful 😂

My sister got married without telling me. My parents knew, but weren't invited. To be honest, initially I was upset and thought it was spiteful and mean. Then I got over myself, realised not everything is about me and sent a huge bouquet of flowers with a nice message.

It was her wedding not mine and she had the (very quiet) day she wanted. I'm happy for her, even if in my very most private thoughts I think her husband is a twat.

sorry maybe I should be more careful with my wording

Whathaveilost? that might be true, but, as I noted earlier, OPS language is a bit odd when talking about this DB

we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents and then he, him, his next to my and us. If there is a history of him being the sibling on the outside then this use of language reflects that.

My DHs family do it. They would say it is a figure of speech. Anyone who hears it not knowing they are related wouldn't know he was part of the family! It isn't rare and those who do it often have no idea they do it. DBIL was very defensive and angry when a new neighbour asked why he never referred to his DB as part of the family.

So it sounds like he has moved on from his (your) family - what happened in the argument? Must have been pretty major to have such an effect.

I can understand why you're hurt, honestly, but can you see that if you hardly ever see him, he might not want you (his family) at his wedding? if you want a relationship in future, ring him and congratulate him.

You could always ask him why he doesn't want to see you/spend any time with you. That must be hurtful too.

YABU. Your wants (to be included) are not more important than the wants of the people actually getting married (to marry in private). The idea that people are obligated to include you in aspects of their private relationship is weird. Stop being so selfish and be happy for them!

Why not ring him up and say, "Congratulations, so pleased for you both, why don't you come round and we'll have a meal/party/boozey knees up to celebrate".

You are obviously, and understandably, sad not to be a bigger part of his big moments. Why don't you seize the opportunity to build some bridges here? Then next time he has a big birthday, or becomes a parent or whatever, he is more likely to include you all.

I do kind of get this.. My dp mum did this, not abroad or anything like that, didn't tell her only son or have her only grandkids there weird imo.

So people shouldn't have the wedding that they want. They should have the wedding that other people want. Is that right?

I didn't really want to go into the argument incase someone we know sees this,we were a family that all got on really well,always had family bbqs and get togehters,until our brother and sister had a falling out,our brother feels we all sided with our sister-which we didn't,he now will not come to family things incase our sister is there

No one has an inborn right to attend someone else's wedding, even if they are your family. What a strange idea

So he's quite right that he hasn't done anything wrong. It's HIS wedding not yours - the only people's wishes that matter are him and his DW. If you really can't be happy for him then it's hardly surprising you're not that close, is it?

I did this! Booked big wedding for October 2013, got to March and thought fuck it everyone is driving me mad so we cancelled it chose a couple of friends each along with our ds who was 4 and got married quietly in the April. Best day ever! Sil didn't talk to us for about 2 months but everyone else was fine! It's their wedding, their life just congratulate them and be happy x

We got married with only my mum and her partner as witnesses, we didn't tell anyone else until afterwards.

We had our reasons at the time (family rifts, money etc) but ultimately we just wanted to be married and didn't feel the need to make a big deal out of it. I've never regretted doing it the way we did, it was what we wanted. Although I did later find out that my sister and sister-in-law were put out because they would have wanted their children to be bridesmaids.

A wedding is just two people declaring their love and commitment to each other and nobody else has any right to be involved. Your brother's done nothing wrong and if you berate him about this I'm sure it will only make your relationship worse.

Dp is close to his family, I'm very close to my brothers. We still have every intention of just getting married one day on a whim - holiday of a lifetime to Vegas or something. Our families won't be attending as that's what WE want, only fallout will be MIL who believes she should be a part of everything we do. Maybe the ceremony isn't that important to them? But marriage actually is? Nothing to be hurt about.

I got married without telling anyone. I didn't want a fuss or any presents.

And yet you expected to be invited to his tiny wedding OP?

Honestly, use this occasion to build some bridges. You might not get many chances again.

So he is isolated from the rest of the family. He probably really does feel you have all chosen to ignore him in favour of your sister. That you are feeling this way about him having got married is only reinforcing that - for you as well as him.

You can help stop that, phone him.

Why would he think you all sided with your sister if that wasn't the case?

ok again maybe my wording is bad,he hasn't done anything wrong,he just doesn't seem to get why we would all be a bit annoyed

ArmfulOfRoses
Thank you, that made me lol!

You aren't close, just because you're family doesn't mean he doesnt have the right to get married however he wants.

They obviously wanted a quiet wedding, how often do you read on here about families trying to take over? You don't see him and he doesn't make any effort to see you or your family so why is it a surprise they got married in secret?

OP, but why are you annoyed?

Can you put down in words why you are annoyed?