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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:34

he wont open the door

OP posts:
Lpel · 19/05/2016 14:36

I would have been upset if any of my children got married and told me afterwards. Wouldn't have been bothered if a sibling had done the same.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:36

mum visits 4 times a year,she invites him to hers he wont go,she feels she cant just invite herself around his house all the time so only goes every few months but would love to go more

OP posts:
Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:37

when she has turned up unannounced just passing,they don't open the door

OP posts:
willitbe · 19/05/2016 14:37

Send a congratulations card to your brother and his wife, enclose a meal voucher or other such suitable gift, and add a note saying it is wonderful news that they have married and asking if they would like to meet out at a restaurant sometime with you and your husband to celebrate one evening just the four of you. Emphasise that it is just the four of you. Say you will find a babysitter, so they can know implicitly that the children or your mother or sister, will not be there. And then let them take the next move.

Ask your mother to babysit or find another babysitter, but do not invite your mother to join you. Let this be between you and your brother.

Let your brother and his new wife decide if he wants to start repairing the rift with you or not.

FullTimeOfTwo · 19/05/2016 14:38

YABU marriage is about their declaration of love to each other. It's not about anyone else. They are allowed to do it however they choose without fear of being criticised.
You should be happy for them

I personally think it's very romantic.

midsomermurderess · 19/05/2016 14:39

I think you need to let it go and see it from his point of view. If this is what he and his now wife wanted, be glad for them and wish them well.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:39

he doesn't come to parties anniversaries weddings incase he sees our sis,

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 19/05/2016 14:41

My sister got married and told the family a week later. Her wedding, more importantly her marriage, her choice.

YABVU OP

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:41

that's a good idea willitbe, but they also have a child and they would never leave their child with my mum

OP posts:
KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 14:44

this is so exhausting! Do you actually want a relationship with your brother? It doesn't seem like it unless he always comes to you.

The more I read the more I see why he did it in secret, it is just

I can't, I can't, I can't

Your DB has been with his wife for 8 years! Yet you say you don't know her and don't go there if she's not there etc etc.

If they have been together for 8 years and your sister and he haven't spoken for 6, that gives by my calculations 2 years were you were not in a "rift" to get to know her. You didn't bother.

You still haven't bothered so what the hell do you expect?

My DB fiancé lives miles away my DP sister lives miles away. I've built a relationship with both despite seeing each other hardly at all.

Grow up

VioletSunshine · 19/05/2016 14:46

he knows I have told him,he just thinks we all want to make them make up and that we would set them up and lock them in a room together or something
When people say they're not going to take sides, and they try and get the two "sides" to make friends, but they do actually think there are sides and one side was definitely in the wrong... That is actually picking a side. The side of the person who has done something wrong.

It sounds from what you've said like although you all thought your sister's comments were well out of line, and that your brother was justified in feeling how he does about what she said, none of you really behaved in a way that backed up what you supposedly thought.

Your brother avoided the rest of you because of the one sister, because he knew or felt that the rest of you wouldn't respect his wishes to not have anything to do with her any more.
And by letting him do that, rather than making accommodations for him in the beginning, of course it's going to look to him like you all took your sister's side.

Actions speak louder than words.

You can repeat until eternity that you thought your sis was in the wrong, you can keep inviting him to events knowing full well he won't turn up. But your brother is not going to feel like a part of the family again without you all making a proper effort to acknowledge his feelings, and the things that caused him to put distance between him and the rest of you.

Namely, the whole "we're happy for DB (the wronged party) to estrange himself, but we won't exclude DSis (the party in the wrong) on occasion so DB can still be comfortable seeing us" thing.

I can understand why your brother has pulled away from the rest of you, and he really has done nothing wrong by having a wedding without family. I'd say the rest of you have been wrong for not showing him proper support when he and your sis fell out.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:50

you cant really get to know someone properly by just seeing them at family things here and there,they obviously got to know each other first before he introduced her to the rest of us,as we were a big family i didn't really get much chance to chat to her,before the rift,yes its exhausting and this is my life,i don't want him to always come to me but i feel i cant just invite myself to his all the time,also the kids have no relationship with each other

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/05/2016 14:53

Think of all the money you've saved by not having to buy a new dress, stay overnight in a hotel etc.
He's done you a favour

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:53

violet-my sister will not not be included in family things so that he can come,she has children so my mum feels like if she says to her you cant come this time as your bro is coming,that my sister could use the kids and not let my mum see them

OP posts:
IceBeing · 19/05/2016 14:59

This is batshit. Are you actually a family of meerkats? They go in for rallying around the dominant female and pushing the brothers out to find mates in other tribes...oh and all the crazy shift work is a hint too...

IceBeing · 19/05/2016 15:01

If you wanted to find a way to see your brother you easily could. But you don't and therefore haven't. I wouldn't invite people to my wedding who showed no interest or support to me for 6 years either.

And your Mum is even worse. She won't exclude the sisters children but she is happy to exclude the brothers....go figure.

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 15:03

Your right you can't build up a fabulous relationship at one or two family events a year if you don't put effort it but you suggested your family is constantly in and out of each other's homes so surely it wouldn't have been just a handful of times over that two year period if your brother used to be the same as the rest of you.

I see each of my SIL's 3 times a year... we talk via text, chat on phone - you have to want to build a relationship and if just seems to me that unless your brother suddenly decideds to fit in with the rest of you, then you won't bother.

It is sad and I am sorry it is difficult for you but I still don't know what your actually wanting/trying to achieve

WyldChyld · 19/05/2016 15:04

In that case, your mother is as much at fault as all the rest of you. God forbid her nasty rude daughter be left out of things in case she doesn't left your mother see the grandkids but hey, it's fine for your poor brother to be totally ostracised by the entire family and bugger his kid.

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 15:05

This is batshit are you actually a family of meet-cats

I just literally spat out my coffee

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 15:06

Even if your sis is controlling your Mum you don't need to let her control you.

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 15:08

They just don't like his wife

Simples meerkats

Nothing to do with anything else the argument is a red herring. They just don't like his wife.

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 15:08

I'm sorry but you're not your mums official spokesperson. You need to take a step back and stop being your mums emotional crutch. Let your mum deal with HER problems with you brother HERSELF let her deal with HER issues with your sister HERSELF.

You say you haven't taken your sisters side and I believe you, you've taken your mums!

If your mum feels worried, sad upset about the relationships with your brother and sister that's for her to deal with its not for you to alienate yourself from your siblings to protect her emotional wellbeing. I don't see anything on this thread other than

You're upset your mum didn't get to go to the wedding
You're angry your mum missed this
Your mum is upset she can only see brother 4 times a year
Your mum can't exclude sister or your sister may exclude her time with grandchildren.
You have to spend all your free time with your mum because she is lonely and had no friends
You can't go to your brother without upsetting her.
I know you got a bit upset at people blaming your mum but it's just not normal parental behaviour op.

I havent read on this thread
'I would like to be friends with my brother sister' all I've read is how your actions may affect your mums happiness.

I'm guessing both your brother and your sister feel a bit let down by your Mum's attitude over their fall out and they both probably see you as just an extension of her, seeing as you only seem to care about how the rift affects her.

I think you need to sit down and decide what YOU want ie to be friends with you brother / sister and make it work. Or decide you don't want to be friends with your brother and sister at which point you need to tell your mum to leave you out of it.

But feeling like you need to arrange him in secret because of how your mum will react emotionally is not moral op it's really not healthy.

She's a grown woman if she is upset one of her children is seeing another of her children then she needs to suck it up to be honest because it's damaging the whole family.

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/05/2016 15:09

m.youtube.com/watch?v=EBLFw-Q6uzQ

People that have excuses for everything

LogonMounstuart · 19/05/2016 15:09

I understand where you are coming from OP. If a sibling of mine treated my parents like this I would find it hard to forgive them.

You can get married without a big wedding, but you don't have to do it in secret- not telling parents.

Your brother and his wife sound selfish and hurtful. It is good your parents have you there for them.

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