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Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

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TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 13:18

That makes sense, OP, except no one here wants you to lie to your mum, we just don't think the truth is so shocking! Just say you want to see him by yourself as you've never had the chance to do that! Do you really think she'd be offended that two of her children wanted to grab coffee together? FWIW, my mum was so proud when my littlest sister and I started doing that. We fought a lot as kids and my mum cried happy tears when she realised she'd done a good enough job mediating our rough childhood relationship that we'd grown to want a friendship / adult relationship (something we chose) as well as always still being sisters (something we didn't choose), Maybe she'd be pleased?

MummyBex1985 · 19/05/2016 13:19

My cousin did this and it caused a lot of upset in the family.

FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable to feel upset, but I do think it's unreasonable to be cross with him now that he's made that decision, as there's nothing you can do about it!

WyldChyld · 19/05/2016 13:19

Well, it all sounds very Jeremy Kyle. Does your mother look after your children seven days a week? You really can't go see your brother without permission from your mother? How infantile.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:20

we are a big family,most of the youngest ones still lived at home when this rift started,before the rift, as it was our parents home we would all just meet up there at weekends or whatever,i see and do things with my sisters alone,and my brothers used to meet up alone aswell,like I said my brother is younger than me and before the rift he still lived at home,so I would just see him there,but since hes grown up moved out and the rift happened we barely see him,so if I was to say I'm going to see him,mum would want to come as she doesn't see him much either,its just hard to see him without mum around as we all work and have busy lives,so when he is free she would always just come aswell,mum hasn't done anything to cause the rift so he has no reason to push her away either so its not as if I need to go see him without her there,shes not a monster or anything,i could say what I want to say infront of her

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LaConnerie · 19/05/2016 13:21

And ps - xposting with something you said - personally I would first go and see him without your children. They don't need to hear about all the ins and outs out why everybody fell out. If you want to have an open talk with him about it, surely it's better without them there?

LagunaBubbles · 19/05/2016 13:21

You all need to get over yourselves

I think that's a horrible and rather nasty thing to say actually, just because one person wouldn't be upset at not being invited to a close family members wedding doesn't mean everyone should or will feel the same! That's what makes us all individuals with our own emotions. And regardless of what these emotions are its important to acknowledge them first. So yes there's a lot of family dynamics going on here that sounds like it explains the OPs brothers decision to have a wedding without his family there, which of course he has every right to but that doesn't mean people don't have the right to be hurt by this.

OP phone your brother and congratulate him. Life indeed is too short, you cant make your brother and sister have a relationship again but you can do something about your relationship with him. It doesnt sound as if he has cut himself off completely from your family since he phoned your parents to let them know.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:22

I don't really know how I feel,because of this rift I don't really know his wife very well,so now I have a sil that is like a stranger,i always thought a sil would be like another sister to me to be close with to share parenting tips and stuff but its not

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KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 13:24

loopy Seems a hell of a lot of excuses here and not to be tough on you but do you actually want a relationship with your brother or are you just pissed off he got married in secret as your now going to get it in the neck from your mum? Your mum sounds a bit like a woman I know...

It just seems a lot of "I can't"

Ring your brother - I can't he won't pick up
Go and see your brother - I can't my mum will come
Leave the kids with your mum don't mention it - I can't i have to take them

If it was me I would say mum I'm going to see DB one on one as I need to talk to him none of this I can't rubbish. My mum however would just say "ok can you get my pot" she's always giving him stuff in pots and not think anything more of it...

I am sorry if that sounds mean as I get why you are hurt by not being invited but I can see why he did it in secret family arguments are horrible my own brother has had the hump with me over the most ridiculous thing but is such a stubborn man he can't go back on it! This went on for a year and it's ever so sad - we just had to agree to disagree (I'd been saying this for 10 months in the end I told him to grow up and stop being a cockwomble really was a very very stupid thing but just after out "step" dad died so it escalated ridiculously) we are now moving forward but it is difficult and upsetting these family rows.

I hope they sort themselves out do you think it would be that awful if they did see each other are they just stubborn?

And to the PP who mentioned about friends not turning up to their civil ceremony that's terribly sad, I really do not understand why some people act like that.

beccabanana · 19/05/2016 13:25

Why do you have to tell your mum? Go on a day you're not working, don't mention it to mum - I don't see why you have to tell her your every moves, especially if you go at a time you don't need childcare? Finish work an hour early, take half a days leave, nip over at the weekend - whatever - it sounds like your coming up with every reason not to see him and if you don't then fine, but don't be mad he got married without you all if you don't want to heal a rift

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/05/2016 13:25

My bil's wife has a very close family. There are four siblings with 7 children between them, mum and dad, the mum's sister, dh and dd ... and they ALL seem to do everything together! Bil does indeed find it stifling (as does sil at times).

teablanket · 19/05/2016 13:25

Call your new SIL? Text? FB message? Group message her and your brother? This is not as hard as you're making it out to be.

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 13:26

Of course it's not like that. You've repeatedly said you haven't made the effort to spent any time with this person. In fact despite saying you don't really know her, you've managed to be pretty rude about her on this thread!
And if you can visit them with your mum, your DP and the kids.. what exactly is the problem here? You want a relationship, get up off your arse and make one.

This has totally stopped making sense. I'm off for Brew Cake

LagunaBubbles · 19/05/2016 13:27

I'm not afraid of my mother,its just she has my children while I work,if I was take the day off and didn't need her to have the kids she would ask where are u off to?im not gonna lie,but she would want to come

And the word you need to say at this point is No, followed by "Im going on my own."

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 13:27

Xposts you could put the effort in....

I didn't know my soon to be SIL either.

I've made the effort to get to know her, she's not really the sort of person I would normally socialise with and same for her with me but we get on well enough, family events are nice I wouldn't want to live with her but she loves my brother he loves her that's all that matters.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:27

to whoever asked about the son in laws,my hubby gets on great with the family,my sister who started the rifts hubby not so great

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Mythreeknights · 19/05/2016 13:27

OP I've been there! Except my brother had been with his girlf all of 4 months and we had never met her. We found out when he updated his facebook status to "married". I was pissed off initially as I thought he'd made a giant cocking mistake, but she turned out to be an absolute catch! Sadly though the marriage failed and they divorced 3 years later. I don't think you are being UR to feel a bit gutted, but ultimately his reasons, his life, his bride and you need to catch up and accept it (and send them a wedding present!)

listsandbudgets · 19/05/2016 13:28

Its not a nice feeling - my dad and step mum did exactly this and I didn't find out until afterwards.

However it is their right to do it that way if they choose.

Smile, congratulate them and wish them a happy future

DailyMailFodder · 19/05/2016 13:29

If you genuinely want to sort things with your brother, I would first give your sister a stern talking to about the way she's treated him

I disagree, I think you should keep out of all the drama and not take part in any of the family gossiping.

I don't understand why you can't just be honest with your Mum and say you want to visit your brother with the kids without her. Tell it's so that you can keep it short and casual rather than a whole big thing

You have the perfect excuse to call around with a card and present.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 13:29

So what if your mother wants to come? Tell her you need to go on your own because if she insists on coming along too then your brother will back out. Tell her it's just not negotiable.

The more you write the more I see why he feels you're all siding with your sister. You both use your mother for free childcare so you probably see your sister every day, whereas you haven't tried to see your brother to anything like the same extent and you've never manage to persuade your sister to apologise.

The first thing you need to do is phone him to congratulate him warmly, and make absolutely sure you sound like you really mean it. Talk to him about a get-together that's just you and him or, if you insist, you and your children plus his family. Maybe suggest in the longer term that there should be some sort of family party to celebrate.

ThatStewie · 19/05/2016 13:30

Text your brother and say congratulations. Then get a card & a nice bunch of flowers & some cake. Collect children. Drive to brothers. Drop a ft pressies. Ask if he wants to meet for a meal to celebrate or go for cake with kids.

Leave your mother out of it. She's an adult. If she wants to visit your brother she can.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 13:32

I don't really know how I feel,because of this rift I don't really know his wife very well,so now I have a sil that is like a stranger,i always thought a sil would be like another sister to me to be close with to share parenting tips and stuff but its not

All the more reason to go round there on your own with a card and a present and have a good chat.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:34

mum lives next door,we have a family business,so she would know if I had the day off so not making excuses,she looks after children most days so would like to get out for a bit of adult conversation I guess,i will just have to tell her

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PhylumChordata · 19/05/2016 13:35

Its ok to feel as you do, however people don't leave families out of celebrations without good reason.

As previous posters have said, show your love for your brother by getting a bottle of champagne (or whatever he and his new wife like to drink), presents for the kids or make a cake or a present if you can afford it.

Wish him congratulations.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:35

its been 6 years so no I cant see them sorting it out

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Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:37

we have made the effort I have said we invite them to ours but they will not come,so unless we go to theirs we would never see them

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