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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my brother

371 replies

loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 11:06

My brother has been with his now wife for 8 years,they have a child together,we barely see him even though we don't live far,by we I mean myself and my siblings and also my parents,He has just phoned to tell us that him and his now wife have just gone off and got married without telling any of us,im fuming,but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong

OP posts:
PhylumChordata · 19/05/2016 13:38

It doesn't matter what everyone else in the family does. If you want to see your bro, this is your chance.

teablanket · 19/05/2016 13:41

OP, you are not surgically attached to your mother or sister. Stop with the "WE have made an effort" nonsense. You are an individual. Make an individual effort.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 13:42

I meant we as in me and my hubby

OP posts:
teablanket · 19/05/2016 13:42

So do it solo. You don't need your husband to back you up.

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 13:44

Go to there's then and start building a relationship once he reslizes your not going to spring your sister on him then I'm sure he will come and see you, or you would like to think the effort will be reciprocated.

Sound like you all need your heads banging together but them the most or need to agree between each other how they will act with seeing your family horrible that their argument is effecting everyone else so badly.

What do you actually want to achieve? Of course it could be nothing but to just vent on here

WyldChyld · 19/05/2016 13:44

Oh for God's sake, you do not work seven days a week, go on a day when your mother isn't looking after your kids!!! Or go and don't tell her - you'll only be gone an hour, what does it matter? Tell her you were meeting a friend.

And frankly I don't blame him not wanting to go to yours when you live next to your mother and your sister is constantly there. I bloody wouldn't go!

Either have the relationship or don't but stop blaming everyone else and throwing constant excuses up. If you really want to see him, do it.

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 13:45

But this is the perfect time to mend any bridges such a shame your sister won't see it like that too.

It's actually very sad

KittensandKnitting · 19/05/2016 13:46

I missed the living next door to mum...

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/05/2016 13:46

You will always be your mother's child, but you are not A child.

Honestly, you need to start acting like an adult & owning your own thoughts, actions & life.

You don't need your mothers permission to see your brother, go one weekend.

That aside, your brother and his wife have been together 8 years & have a child. Maybe they just wanted to be married without a big fuss. Maybe this has absolutely nothing to with 'the rift'.

NotQuiteJustYet · 19/05/2016 13:48

You say 'He feels as if he hasn't done anything wrong...'

He's right, he hasn't. A wedding is between the people getting married, no one else - regardless of if they're family or not.

I wanted to go abroad and get married just DH and I. I respected his wishes and got married here in front of our families. If neither of them wanted that then you need to respect their wishes, stop being stroppy and congratulate them.

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 19/05/2016 13:51

I would definitely have said "our mum" and "our siblings".

I wouldn't and I think you're all being really picky about the language she is using when she is typing about something that is obviously upsetting her!! Give her a break!

I can understand why you're feeling that way OP, I would be upset too and really cross on behalf of my mother not being able to see her son get married

Yes it's his decision and his wedding but his mum has probably thought a lot about seeing her children get married one day!

For those of you that are parents you can't honestly say hand on heart that you wouldn't feel upset being excluded from your child's wedding!!!

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/05/2016 13:52

I'm a parent (and obviously a child) and the way you're mum is involved in your lives shocks me. You need to grow up and cut the cord. And your poor children will be controlled by her as well. Even if you have no self respect and can't be an adult then at least try to be a parent and not subject them to this. Poor kids knowing no different to this.

yummycake123 · 19/05/2016 13:57

I think YABU. If you don't see him often, then you aren't that close. And ultimately, he has the right to have a private wedding if that's what they want.

Elleblue78 · 19/05/2016 13:59

But it's THEIR CHOICE to get married, how, when & where they want, surely?

Why should any family member assume they are to be invited?

We are currently planning our wedding for March next year however if I was as strong as your brother clearly is I would bugger off and so it just us 2 and our baby (Due in Nov) - any reasonable person would respect that choice & be happy for us....

I can understand you are a bit miffed, but do you tell him everytime you decide to do something 'big' in your life?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:00

I cant see how this post has turned into my mum controlling me,when she doesn't,my mum does a lot for me,she looks after the children so I can run the business,shes never said I cant go by myself,but I jus feel as she lives next door and has my kids, if I was to go see him by myself I would just feel a bit bad on mum as like I said before, she looks after kids all day long and looks forward to adult conversation,but like i also said,i will just have to tell her

OP posts:
Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:01

i have children,the thought of not being invited to their wedding makes me sad,i was just thinking of how mum and dad must feel

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 14:03

To be honest, I think you should stop relying on your mother for babysitting so much so that she can go out on her own to have those adult conversations. I suggest you start investigating nurseries and after school clubs now.

beccabanana · 19/05/2016 14:03

If you have a hubby, can't you just nip over one evening while he looks after your kids? If you really don't want to tell your mum and then get into an awkward convo with her, just go when you don't need her childcare?

Kidnapped · 19/05/2016 14:04

"she looks after kids all day long and looks forward to adult conversation"

Christ. Then let her join a tennis club or go to bingo.

She doesn't need to accompany you wherever you go.

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:06

my mum was the one who offered to have the children when i went back to work,i pay her to look after them so its not like shes just babysitting shes getting paid to look after her grandkids

OP posts:
Mrshemsworth22 · 19/05/2016 14:06

If he had invited everyone to the wedding and IF (and it sounds like a big if) everyone would have been civil to each other do you think this would have been the start of building bridges or would everyone just have gone back to normal?

I guess what I'm asking you is do you actually want to build bridges or is it just the wedding you are pissed off about?

Mrshemsworth22 · 19/05/2016 14:07

Sorry, so many questions.... Also are you worried about your place in the family if you and your brother became friendly again?

Original poster
loopylooloo1 · 19/05/2016 14:08

not really becca as my brother works all sorts of shifts so couldn't just pop round tonight would need a bit of notice

OP posts:
LaConnerie · 19/05/2016 14:09

As others have said - if your mum is looking after your DC every day, all day long, so you can run the business, you really need to look into alternative childcare, at least for a day or two every week. Then your mum wouldn't be desperate for adult conversation as she could have a life of her own on her free days.

Obviously it's ultimately down to you how you live your life and how you deal with your brother. But from the outside it looks very much as if he has decided to distance himself from the very 'interwoven' family you have, and if you try to contact him as part of this and not as an individual, he is likely to not want to know.

WyldChyld · 19/05/2016 14:10

Just sounds like more and more excuses. Mum would be lonely, he works shifts, he won't come to me, my husband might not be free... OP, go if you want to and don't if you don't.

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