Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/05/2016 22:09

I can bore for Britain on the subject of my ex (and frequently do). There are many, many reasons why he is ex. If he were the last man on Earth I still wouldn't touch him with someone else's bargepole. I have been triumphantly divorced for the best part of a decade.

I kept the name, though. Too much faff to change back; it's easier to spell than my previous one; and I've identified with this name for so long it would feel weird and wrong to use the old one. Isn't this quite usual?

Puffinity · 18/05/2016 22:09

As in - it is every ex-wife's right to keep their married name. Can't argue with the law, whether you like it or not. I just can't get over the fact that you change your legal name upon marriage in the UK, that is just so different from what I am used to!

Ludways · 18/05/2016 22:09

I'm wife #2, I don't see what's wrong with that, I don't see it as being less than wife #1. I'm m his only current wife, I have no desire to wipe out his past.

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 22:13

Puff, I think the reason why is because she's being petty. If you change your name, that is your name. It has nothing to do with wanting to be part of the family... They are separated/divorced. most people on here genuinely can't see why it would be a problem because it's nonsense. There's more deep rooted issues in op's anxieties... It has nothing to do with the name.

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/05/2016 22:13

I find it a bit weird too op, but then I never changed my name upon marriage I like my name as it is dammit, plus my children have a different name to me and I simply don't care Grin therefore I am very unlikely to understand her POV!

I have a few friends who divorced (no children involved) and kept their married names. I found that weird too - I can far more readily empathise with the ones who changed back to their original names immediately. That probably says more about how my brain works (purge the bad memories) than anything else though. I can see how it might be far harder to do if you've got kids with that name and you're invested in having the same name as them.

You will be wife #2 if you marry. Sorry but that's fact. I'm wife #2 as well come to think of it (which I never do)!

VioletSunshine · 18/05/2016 22:14

I kinda get your feelings OP, because they're similar to what I felt with exP and his ex. Only, they never married but did have kids. DC had his surname but she didn't. And he insisted I had to take his surname too if we did marry. So I'd have had the same surname as his DC, but their mother wouldn't have. That was so wrong to me on many levels, but he never considered it at all.

I had weird feelings about the fact he already had children in the first place though. His DC were lovely! But like you don't want to be your DP's 2nd wife, I felt like if ex and I had kids they'd be second to those he'd had with his ex.

Thing is.. I know I wouldn't have felt that way if he wasn't the kind of person to deliberately make me feel insecure about our relationship and where I stood in it. Dangling the carrot of marriage all the time, insisting I was the first woman he'd wanted to marry but never following through (thank god). Gushing about how he wanted to have children with me, then talking about how he'd undermine me to them. Slagging his ex off and making out she had been abusing him, then going on about what a wonderful mum she was (surprisingly that's probably the only truthful thing he ever said to me, & her DC are a testament to that).

So I'm guessing the shelves thing for you probably didn't make you feel too secure about your relationship with your DP huh? Or the comment she made regarding the joke at that party.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 22:15

Puff

I get what you mean.

In my defence, I'd already altered the spelling of the name on my birth certificate by law once before I married. It was shockingly bad before and not great afterwards. My husbands surname (which shouldn't really be his surname anyway, complicated family!) is a good one.

seasidesally · 18/05/2016 22:15

god just on the point of changing surname back,who could be bothered changing passport/driving license, etc etc it would be a nightmare

just for that reason i wouldnt change back to maiden name

op you sound very insecure,i hope you dont show similar feelings to your DP's children

CremeBrulee · 18/05/2016 22:16

I find the idea that you're bemused by his first wife keeping her name and the name of her children after divorce very bizarre. Don't you get that it's her name and its up to her if she wants to change it? Your views are irrelevant. If you marry her ex husband you will be his second wife. That doesn't mean his first wife and children no longer exist.

I wonder if you'll feel the same when you are the ex wife and the 3rd wife feels his name is her property?

BYOSnowman · 18/05/2016 22:18

The thing is - my maiden name doesn't represent who I am now. I was young when I got married and that name belongs to my childhood. it would be weird to go back.

My married name is foreign but I pronounce it with an English accent. Drives dh nuts but I remind him it's my name now and I will pronounce it how I choose!

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 22:19

DP and Ex have two daughters, both grown up, one married (and changed her name) and one living partly with us, partly at her mums, but mostly around her boyfriends and they are due to marry next year. They are lovely girls. Quite like having them in my life.

They have been separated for 11 years, divorced for 8. I met DP 4 years ago, moved in 3 years ago.

I would never bring this up by the way, with my DP, ExW, or anyone except on here.

I have a history too, which is funny as my DP sometimes says he'd rather not think about my previous boyfriends (jokingly!).

Maybe deep down I don't want to be 'second best', or not as good because I don't have his kids or am not the first.

Trying to be honest. I must feel that there IS some importance to a name, and to taking on someone's name. Otherwise it wouldn't bother me?

I would feel that if I took DPs name then I was taking on his protection and Identity.

I don't know! Obviously most people disagree so there must be something a little wrong with how I feel.

OP posts:
hazelangell · 18/05/2016 22:20

YABU - I don't have the same name as my ex but I am very close to his family and spend hours on the phone with his mum every week and not because she is my sons grandmother but I like her as a person and consider her a close friend. I appreciate that this may make his future partners feel uncomfortable and would never rub any ones nose in it but I wouldn't just drop out of the friendship to make anyone elses life easier.

Ex has 3 kids with 3 different women, none of whom he sees so I am extremely thankful his family still play a very active role in our sons life even though his dad CBA!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/05/2016 22:20

I would be happy to drop XH's surname, but it will mean getting a new passport first and mine still has a couple of years on it, then I will have to change my name on all bank accounts, online shops (Amazon, eBay, tesco, PayPal, plus various random companies I use - some of them won't let you do it online. PayPal, for example want a posted copy of your divorce papers as proof) then I will have to contact all insurance, utilities, car loan & registration etc, mortgage company, change my will, let schools and doctors know....I'm cheesed off even thinking about it.

I'll just keep the name and use Ms.

PersonalSpace · 18/05/2016 22:22

I don't think YABU of course I wouldn't expect her to change her name back necessarily especially if they were married for a very long time but "From the xxx family"? That's weird!

Why is he fixing her shelves?

When we you getting married? You obviously want to so get this sorted tell him to stop doing her DIY and you'll feel a lot better.

ChuckitintheBucket · 18/05/2016 22:23

I find it weird that you find it weird.

Puffinity · 18/05/2016 22:23

Majorly If changing your name has nothing to do with being part of the family, then why do so many women take their husband's surname upon marriage? Why not just by deed poll then? I think it's a bit rude to the OP to suggest she has deeper issues - for some people names are clearly a much larger part of their identity than for others. Maybe the OP does feel like the ex-wife is trying to have claim over OP's DP. That is how I would interpret the unwillingness to revert to her maiden name, and so would my DP (just checked), but I do seem to be in the minority. Also, everybody saying that it is her name or that they kept their ex-husband's name when they divorced - what happens if the ex-wife remarries? Suddenly not that important that it's her name anymore, seeing as she'll just take her new husband's? This is why the whole taking someone else's name upon marriage is a bit silly IMHO Anyway, what I wanted to say is that just because people disagree with the OP's feelings on this issue doesn't mean OP has bigger problems in this relationship!

sleeponeday · 18/05/2016 22:23

I think your feelings are very human, and understandable, and normal. But they're also deeply unreasonable. She has the same name as her kids, because at one point she was married to their dad. She was his wife, and you are the second wife. You will be 'the wife' because she'll be the ex-wife. But the wifely connection exists, and always will. And that's fine because they have chosen not to be together, but they have also chosen to go about that in a polite and respectful way, instead of rabid animosity. Which is a really good sign for you, I think.

Nora Ephron once said, "ever marry a man you wouldn't like to be divorced from" and it's great advice - they are always nice at the start, and when things are good. If they are on good terms then that says good things about him, as an ex and a father - and that is what you want in a husband.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 18/05/2016 22:23

DM still uses her married name decades after divorce. It's her identity. To go back to her maiden name I think to her would feel like rubbing out the history that her marriage ever happened when it was 20 plus years of her life.

DF's partner would LOVE for her to go back to her maiden name as would very much like to erase all previous relationships, history kids and not have to think any more about them. There have been some unpleasant incidents around partner's difficulty with accepting that as parents DM and DF have a history together, and some things (weddings, graduations etc) require both of them, and are reminders that they had a past together and produced children. There will always be that link between them. There have been hysterical tantrums issues over DF keeping any family photographs of his children that also have her in, any belongings that were associated with the time during the marriage, it's grim. Believe me it is no fun to be a child (child, teenager or adult child) knowing your existence is a nasty reminder of a past your parent's partner really wishes never happened.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/05/2016 22:24

I do get how you feel though OP.

My DP was engaged to his ex and I feel that until we get to that point that she will always have had something 'more' than I have. I will never have DCs with him, so at least if I marry him I have got to the next base! It shows a sense of importance and commitment to the relationship and you don't want to have to think about how he has had that with someone before you.

My DP used to joke that he liked the idea of shagging some one else's wife, but actually he was pleased when the divorce finally went through. While he says he doesn't mind my name being the same as my ex's I think he would prefer it being back to my maiden name. It's just such a pain to do it!

momb · 18/05/2016 22:24

I have the same name as my children. It is coincidentally the same name as my ex husband. DH does not mind. His children have his surname even though his ex wife reverted to her maiden name and then didn't take her new husband's name. Things get mixed up with blended families/ex-partners once children are involved.
Try not to mind. It isn't that she is connected to your DP as a partner, but as the co-parent of their children, which will always be.

Puffinity · 18/05/2016 22:26

Just seen OP's update - kinda proves my point I think!

SoupDragon · 18/05/2016 22:29

so there must be something a little wrong with how I feel.

There's not something a little wrong, it's completely wrong.

I still have my XHs surname on account of it now being mine. I didn't just borrow it.

However, I do hope it pisses off his current partner. That would be a bonus.

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 22:30

Puff it sounds to me like she is jealous of ex wife. She's the one that is left out. She needs to grow up. I may be a woman scorned but as someone who had a bitch step mother I am very cynical of second wives and their motives. She sounds controlling.

Sallystyle · 18/05/2016 22:31

My mum still has her married name and she divorced my dad over 20 years ago. My dad's first wife still has his name and they divorced over 40 years ago and his third wife still has his name and they divorced about 10 years ago.

In my family it seems like people just keep their married names on divorce.

I asked my mum why she never went back to her maiden name and she said that she couldn't be bothered and it's her name now and she has no intentions of ever changing it. Good for her.

YABU OP.

PalmerViolet · 18/05/2016 22:33

Maybe she wasn't exactly chuffed to be saddled with the name of the man she was divorced from, but kept it for the children and now keeps it because it's a fag to change things over.

YknowYABU