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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
dorisdog · 22/05/2016 19:35

Orangecookie I didn't see your conclusion above! You go - sounds like a great solution.

revealall · 22/05/2016 19:35

Yes but it's only " her" name because she did the whole marriage thing. Not living together or being boyfriend and girlfriend or any other type of relationship. Marriage the big important one.
Then it failed and you picked badly. It happens.
So no, to my mind you can't use his surname, you can't call yourself Mrs and you can't live in the same house just because you have done for 20 years.
I have no problem with divorce. But you don't get to pretend you are still married.

notthescarletwoman · 22/05/2016 19:37

I am a second wife. My husbands ex has always kept her married name. Agree with other posters that the key reason she would do this is her children. Some women may choose to revert back to maiden name on divorce and some don't - its a load of hassle to change everything it back so that could be another reason. If you are secure in your relationship these things shouldn't matter.

Why wouldn't she send cards to her inlaws? She hasn't divorced them. They will always be the grandparents of her kids and its important when you have children in any marriage that breaks up to try to maintain existing family bonds. At the moment the children are the most important thing in all of this.

As for the shelves - well I have no idea how long they have been apart. Maybe they are on good terms and she is still on her own and he helps out occasionally with the DIY. he is still responsible for the children 50% so any improvement in their home is a benefit to them.

When and if you have children one day - you will realise that when he divorced his wife he didn't divorce his kids (hopefully) and neither would you want him to.

Grilledaubergines · 22/05/2016 19:38

I have kept my married name after divorce 15 years ago. Why would I change it? That would feel like erasing the past and neither of us wish to do that. Not everyone divorces because they're miserable as sin in their marriages. Many remain good friends after. Additionally, I won't have a different surname to the DC so in fact, even if my circumstances were such that we hated eachothers' guts, the married name would remain.

BeanyGodkin · 22/05/2016 19:53

I should say that i have been married before and took on my first husband's name. In a crazy bonkers way, part of the reason we tied the knot is because my first 2 dc had his name and in my immaturity I wanted the same name, even though we were young and the marriage wasn't a great plan. I've never been so glad to have my maiden name back than when we divorced, even though I no longer shared the dc's names.
So yes, when I met dp #2 it bothered me that his ex hadn't returned to her maiden name too, like me. So in fact, in our crazy family there are 3 surnames: my ex's surname for my first dc, dp's surname for his first dc and my maiden name for the dc we share together. It's a bit of a census nightmare and an eyebrow raiser but it works. I'm wondering if OP could come to a similar arraangement?

Welliwooster · 22/05/2016 20:22

YABU

She has the same name as her children and she will always be part of your DP's family unit as she's the mother of his children!

Lesleyplace530 · 22/05/2016 21:03

I have kept my x surname even tho we divorced 2 years ago, I have no intwration with him but I always send cards to his family because they are my children's family too, why should my children face animosity within the family to please wife number 2????

AHellOfABird · 22/05/2016 21:22

Erm, OP has posted that she'll keep her name!

KindDogsTail · 22/05/2016 21:43

reveal
But you don't get to pretend you are still married
You make it sound like a privilege! Whose says anyone is pretending to be married? They may be delighted not to be married anymore.

It is simply awkward to change your name and have a different name from your children's, or a different one from the one you have been known by for many, many years.

A person may even hate the name and have hated being married but still keep the name for the reasons I said.

ivykaty44 · 22/05/2016 21:50

I have finally changed my name to my name now my dc is over 16, I wanted us to be the same whilst a child.

Now though I'm finally rid if my exs name and use mine again

Original poster
Orangecookie · 22/05/2016 22:10

Ivy does it make you feel different psychologically to have 'yours' again?

As I said before I have listened and I'm going to a) try not to care if ExW uses DPs surname - it's her choice and b) not change my surname when me and DP marry

I've no problem re: ExW & relatives - no animosity! I just felt weird the cards were always signed 'from X Family'. I just signed them by our names. Although apart from Xmas cards ExW never goes to see them.

They also don't have a friendship, I think ExW is keen to 'keep close' and DP to keep things calm and avoid dramas, but he hates being called for favors - DP feels it is a way of controlling him. From my pov it always feels a bit tense. Both their kids have either changed their surnames or about to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangecookie · 22/05/2016 22:12

Beaney - now that's a really sweet family story! I like your approach. You have inspired me.

OP posts:
NeverbuytheDailyMail · 23/05/2016 00:25

So many posters saying that it would be awkward to have a different name to their children - why? What do you think might happen?

KindDogsTail · 23/05/2016 00:28

I heard that legally it can cause problems, travelling. You have to be careful to have all the right documents I believe.

user1463231665 · 23/05/2016 06:18

My daughter has marrried and now has her husband'sname. It took the estate agent four goes earlier this year to get the travel paperwork correct because of the different name! Never happened when we all had the same surname. But for me my company, my work, mym reputation and indeed the fmaily's income which keeps the chidlren is under the trade mark/name I have had - my ex husband's -since the 1980s. No way would I change back.

"So no, to my mind you can't use his surname, you can't call yourself Mrs and you can't live in the same house just because you have done for 20 years." As to this - it is just untrue. The law is you can call yourself Mrs. In facti t annoys me after 10 years divorced my bank still has Mrs on my bank cards as I use Ms, but it is not against the law to remain Mrs. And yes you can live in the same house - I bought my ex out on divorce, me earning a huge lot more than he does as many women do and it is my house and I kept it to give stability for the children and because I like it so wrong again - you can live in the same house.

New wives may not like it but that's just tough. Force their husband to take their names if it bothers you.

Fadingmemory · 23/05/2016 06:32

I divorced many years ago and have always kept the same surname as my children - this is very common. I think that in your mind you are confusing being a second wife (which in time you will be in numeric terms) with being somehow second choice, second in terms of priority. It would help all of you if your P's ex would stop asking him for help and develop some independence, although she may be living in difficult circumstances, not yet be over their split etc. Can you discuss this with him? The continued contact may have made you feel insecure and contributed to your opinion about being a second wife. You may be someone who needs a lot of reassurance. Ultimately you will have to learn to accept and deal with it or it may come to affect your relationship badly.

LittleBears · 23/05/2016 07:56

Everyone is being very grown up and reasonable - when/if it happens to you, you may well feel differently - when XW same surname takes your DP to court for everything he owns and residency of the DC that are are not biologically hers. OP's first wife seems vaguely normal, it's not necessarily the case and I can completely understand the desire to disassociate yourself from her.

TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 10:07

I'm a second wife & im sorry after 20years together it is blimin annoying there's an xw, that said I knew he had xw & kids when got with him & I'm pleased when it's calm for the sake of his dc

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 10:27

LittleBears It did happen to me. H's first wife kept her married name after their divorce and they didn't even have any children. It didn't bother me.

What did bother me was moving into his former marital home and not being allowed to put my own (even partial) stamp on it and having to sleep in their bed because he was too tight to buy a new one. I know I know the writing was on the wall right from the start

Flamingbluemonkey · 23/05/2016 10:35

I still have my married name, been separated from the ex for 4 years and in a new relationship now and so is he but I want to carry on having the same name as my son. I can't stand my ex but when I got married his surname became my name and that's just the way it is now

BoccadiLupa · 23/05/2016 10:41

You've had lots of YABUs, I know, but let me give you a bit of sympathy. My DP's ex still has his last name too, and it really does freak me out a bit (but not as much as the constant tearful phone calls, the 'woe is me' emails etc). I can't understand it really - when my ex-H and I split up, I couldn't bin his name fast enough - yes my children still have his name but I didn't want it in a million years any more. I don't need the same name as my children - they are my children!

BathshuaSpooner · 23/05/2016 10:44

I am the third Mrs.Spooner. The first Mrs.Spooner chose to keep the name as her brother was convicted of a very high profile murder. She and my husband have no children together. The second Mrs.Spooner remarried and changed her name.

I have no issues with any of the previous Mrs.Spooners, as they are just that.....exwives. (Although I'm certain they would have many things they would like to say about Mr.Spooner 😅)

3dogsandacat · 23/05/2016 10:52

If he's going round to 'fix her shelves' Hmm then you have way bigger problems to deal with than her having the same surname.

eightoutoften · 23/05/2016 14:08

I thought about this thread yesterday. It was my XMIL birthday, DD and I attended the celebratory meal along with my XH and the current MrsEight. I kept my married name even though we divorced 16 years ago.

At the meal DD mentioned that I needed a curtain pole put up but didn't have the right drill bit. After the meal, XH and current MrsEight popped by with said drill. XH drilled the wall whilst current MrsEight and I had cup of tea and chat.

It sounds like you are insecure in your relationship. I think you should continue to go with DP when his EW asks him round to do her a favour, get to know her and you may realise that she is no longer a threat to you.

2rebecca · 23/05/2016 14:49

I'm disappointed in all these women who don't have their own power tools and view putting up shelves and curtain poles as "man's work".
It really isn't that difficult. Yes you need another person to help but that person doesn't have to be male.
Asking your exhusband to put up shelves etc is as sexist as a man asking his exwife to do his ironing.

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