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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:

Lumpylumperson · 18/05/2016 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Titsywoo · 18/05/2016 21:54

Sorry but YABU. My mother in law still has her ex husbands surname 30 years after the divorce because it is her childrens surname!

YouMakeMyDreams · 18/05/2016 21:54

If her dc are old enough to marry then she has possibly had that name longer than she had her maiden name so it feels more like her name now than her name pre marriage.
I get it feels weird but yabu it's her name it's her families name she gets to keep it. There are 3 Mrs Dreams in our family. Sil, mil and me. So it's not my dh ex wife's name it's a few people's names and our name is unusual everyone in the UK with it is related to dh family. Dh ex wife mainly uses her maiden name but professionally she seems to be using both to phase in her maiden name. I often joke to dh that I am Mrs Dreams the second. Making it sound very grand. But it's a fact.
The point is its not his name it's hers and everyone else in dh family that share it.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 18/05/2016 21:54

She didn't just borrow it from your dp, she made it her surname and now it's hers as much as his. She signs cards from the X family because that's what they are.
I fucking hate the belief that women only lease their surnames from fathers or husbands. It's infuriating.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 18/05/2016 21:55

I fully understand the practical and professional reasons, but I'd hope being the first (and therefore 'proper') wife isn't why a lot of women keep their married names after divorce. What's so good about being the first?

CalleighDoodle · 18/05/2016 21:56

Should she also give back her wedding ring? if it wasnt thrown back at him

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 18/05/2016 21:58

queenMab99 Thank you for posting that. We can all get a bit silly about these things, regardless of who came first

frami · 18/05/2016 21:59

If XW were to revert to her previous surname her children may decide that they want to do so also. I know of 2 families where this is the case. Have you thought how DP would feel if that happened?

Iknownuffink · 18/05/2016 21:59

She kept his name because her/ their children have his surname.

YABVU.

It is not up to you to decide that someone should change their name and that that entails.

Puffinity · 18/05/2016 21:59

OK, I am clearly in a minority here, but I can totally understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't like the idea of a wife taking the husband's surname anyway (might be because where I grew up you don't change your legal name, you get 'usage' of your partner's name upon marriage). I think it is very, very strange to keep your ex's name after a divorce - surely you are starting over again, living a life without ex DH's involvement? I'm afraid I don't buy into the importance of having the same name as your children either - my mum doesn't and it has never been an issue for her and the kids always get their father's name, never their mother's. All this being said, I do think there is very little you can do about it. You may not like it, but she is allowed to keep it. Just know that some people think YANBU

ElinoristhenewEnid · 18/05/2016 22:00

what's the problem? my dh's ex still has his surname over 30 years since they divorced. No skin off my nose!!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/05/2016 22:00

My mum still has her married name and they divorced like 16 years ago. She couldnt be bothered to change.

queenMab99 · 18/05/2016 22:00

I also sent cards, presents etc to inlaws, good grief I'd known them for nearly 30 years! YABU.

andintothefire · 18/05/2016 22:00

I think the "From the X family" might annoy me a little bit too. I know this might be unfair, but I would wonder if it was being done for slightly passive-aggressive reasons if it is done in a way that implies that your DP is included in that signature. I also don't quite understand the need for it.

Personally it has never bothered me that my DP's ex wife has kept his name. But then I don't intend to change my name to his on marriage - I might suggest we double barrel our names though!

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 22:01

It was her name first I'm afraid! YABVVVU.

Iknownuffink · 18/05/2016 22:01

And all that that entails.

bloodyteenagers · 18/05/2016 22:02

You will always be wife number 2 though. Even if she went back to her maiden name.
I am still called my married name. The amount of hassle to change it is a nightmare. I tried and fuck me, the hurdles. Oddly enough, when I married it was a case of this is my name name, I am Mrs x. Tried doing the reverse, nope. Every place wanted to see the divorce papers. Madness.

Then of course work. By which time I had built a name professionally. I tried to go back to maiden. Nope. For various reasons, it was hard. So I stayed as I am.

As for helping out. Why wouldn't he want to do things in the house that his children live in? Surely that's a nice thing that they want to be amicable.

Same with cards etc to his family. Like it or not, she will always be there because of the children. She will want to encourage them to remain in contact. shame more people cannot be civil (abuse excluded). When you split from your ex especially when there's children involved, its not like you have dropped a mate. There will always be that connection. Sounds like they were together a long time.

I am biased though. I still chat to my mums ex and his family. They always invite us to everything throughout the year.

And in a way she was right. You aren't his wife lol.

NotQuiteJustYet · 18/05/2016 22:02

I think you need to acknowledge that this maybe has nothing to do with the surname and that in fact you're probably not comfortable being with someone with this level of 'baggage'.

You are not comfortable with his first wife being recognised as being his first wife, using her married surname despite them having children together - even sending cards to family using the family surname or being referred to as his second wife, which is what you would be. Unfortunately, you can't wipe his slate clean.

If you're looking for a clean slate, you need a different man.

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 22:03

puff what if wife number 1 had the surname for much longer than her maiden name? (As my own mother did) it would feel too strange changing it. My mum didn't not change hers because she wanted the same name as her children... She had had her married name for so long... THAT IS HER NAME!

tooyoungtobeagrandma · 18/05/2016 22:04

SoulSoSeptimus But it's not just HIS last name, it is hers as well. She took it on marriage, is known to friends and professional colleagues by that name and it IS the children's name. I was married 28 years, I had my married name longer than my single name, it was the one everyone knew me by and it placed me in a team with the children. My ex suggested to the children that I should change back as I no longer "deserved" the name, as if it was a medal rather than just a word. I just laughed. It's nothing to do with game play or unresolved feelings about my ex. My present partner changed his name to match his then partner when she had their baby and never changed back, so both of us don't have our birth names. Doesn't worry either of us.

VelvetSpoon · 18/05/2016 22:05

OP, YANBU. I find it weird, especially when the split is acrimonious. Why keep the name of someone you want nothing to do with? Why the need to have the same surname as your DC? (One of my DC has my surname, one doesn't).

My bf's XW, despite divorcing him for his alleged unreasonable behaviour, not speaking to him or his parents at all, has insisted on keeping his name. Which is surprising considering her feelings for him/the family. And refers to herself as Mrs [Surname].

Hoping she might marry the drip she's with now and take his name. Although I know someone who remarried but kept her (first husband's) name, so that's no guarantee!

leelu66 · 18/05/2016 22:07

You sound like my ex who demanded in a sweaty rabt that I had to change my name as it was HIS name. And his family didn't want me to have it either. I laughed in his face.

Good for you, but tbf I don't think OP is planning on making any demands, she's just expressing how she feels. It may not be rational, but it's how she feels. Maybe her DH will be pleased she cares that much, who knows!

As an aside, I do think that if society encourages you to take your husband's name after marriage, then they can bloody well lump it if if the woman wants to keep her married name after divorce.

EweAreHere · 18/05/2016 22:07

YABU.

Puffinity · 18/05/2016 22:07

Majorly I'm sorry, I wasn't out to cause offense! I know it's a deeply personal thing, and I realise that my view is maybe somewhat unusual! I'm just surprised that people are being so negative to the OP. I can understand it feels awkward to her, but I also acknowledged there's not much she can do about it.

Brainnotbrawn · 18/05/2016 22:08

After you last post it makes even more sense given your views that he takes you name after you get married since his kids won't have his any more. Best result all around since you are the one with the problem.

I think you are making an issue out of nothing though.

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