Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust · 18/05/2016 21:31

I'm DHs second wife. His e. Had his surname for quite a while after their divorce (same surname as their children) and I can't say I ever have it a second thought really. I can't even remember when she changed back to her maiden name.

If we were to divorce I'd keep his name as it's the same as my children's. And infinitely better than my maiden name. Wife no.3 would have to put up with it!

Savagebeauty · 18/05/2016 21:32

You sound like my ex who demanded in a sweaty rant that I had to change my name as it was HIS name. And his family didn't want me to have it either.
I laughed in his face

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/05/2016 21:33

So you want to have the same name as her kids but think she should have a different name from them all?!

I think you can't be thinking this through.

DustyCropHopper · 18/05/2016 21:33

YABU. She is perfectly entitled to use the name as she changed it on marrying. Should Dhabi and I ever divorce I would definitely keep my married surname as it is the same as my children. I could only see me changing it if I re married, but then I am not certain on that if I still had young children.

whirlygirly · 18/05/2016 21:33

Ha ha, as the first wife, I've done exactly this and although I'm generally a reasonable person, it would give me a bit of gleeful satisfaction if it irritated ow in any way Grin
Disclaimer - there are many mitigating reasons

LightDrizzle · 18/05/2016 21:34

Another YABU. I am wife number two, my husband is my husband number two, if you marry you will be wife number two.

Do you think you're Pol Pot? You can't erase his history.

seasidesally · 18/05/2016 21:35

op you would love me

i kept my married name when divorced,same as my dc's by ex and then went on to have another child with somebody else who also has my ex's surname

WeAllHaveWings · 18/05/2016 21:36

Do you have kids with him? If not she is in his family unit more than you, she had blood ties with him and his parents in their children.

If you and he separated now, without children it's likely there would be no ongoing relationship with him or his family.

I don't mean to be harsh, but this is something you need to accept and for the children's sakes embrace. If you can't do that and get over silly things like her keeping her married name IMO you'd be better out of it.

GooodMythicalMorning · 18/05/2016 21:36

Yabu. His name became hers when they married. Its hers to keep if she wishes.

zeezeek · 18/05/2016 21:36

I took my DHs name when we married and have now published under that name in academic journals rather a lot, so if we did ever divorce then I would keep that name for that purpose. I also like the name. I like the person I am with that name and I like that I am associated with his rather fab children (my step children and my own children).

His ex wife still uses our surname, despite being remarried for several years, because she is a psychiatrist in their original country and, like me, she is known by that name. I don't work in that field, so there are no complication and as I happen to also think she is rather fab, I like the association.

A name is just a name. Many, many years ago I traded in my awful first name for one of my middle names. So now, to the people, I went to school with, I am almost unrecognisable.

TattyCat · 18/05/2016 21:38

Op I kept my exH's surname and I've been divorced for about 25 years! And we had no children. He's remarried, I'm getting remarried so it will obviously change then, but it's never been a big deal. I only kept it because I preferred it to my maiden name and he never minded because we stayed friends. No idea whether his current wife cares or not, but it's only a name...

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 18/05/2016 21:40

It would be odd for her to revert back to her maiden name if her kids have their dad's name.
Does I make you jealous OP?
It's only a name, are you being unreasonable. He is very much a part of their lives.

SoulSoSeptimus · 18/05/2016 21:41

YANBU

I would be put out by this! Very surprised at the replies you have received.

Why would she even want his last name? (Don't say the kids ffs) Reeks of game play to me.

Hepzibar · 18/05/2016 21:41

I've got my ex's surname, divorced 20 years ago. My 2 DC's are in their 20's , DD is married. And I still have his surname. It's nicer than my maiden name. It's the name I'm known by in my profession.

And I can categorically unequivocally guarantee I do not give a shit about him, don't see him, speak to him.

YABU and needy.

19lottie82 · 18/05/2016 21:43

I'm Mr DHs second wife and I have to admit I would have preferred it if his ex had gone back to her maiden name (never vocalised this, as obviously it's for selfish reasons, but obviously I totally understand why she didn't... She wants to have the same name as her kids.

AngelicCurls · 18/05/2016 21:43

Yanbu with the feeling she's still too much part of his family however yabu to expect that it would be any other way especially with kids on the scene.

QueenCarpetJewels · 18/05/2016 21:44

If DH and I were ever to divorce, I would absolutely keep my married surname, without question. Nothing to do with kids, or him, or his family. Purely because I hate my maiden name for very valid reasons. If there was ever a wife no.2, she'd just have to get over herself.
YABU

AppleSetsSail · 18/05/2016 21:44

She came first. My children's surname shall be mine forever more, regardless of what happens to my marriage (hopefully it will hop along intact).

londonrach · 18/05/2016 21:46

Yabu. Legally sounds like she changed her name when she got married. I can certainly understand why she wants the same name as her children. What do you think she should do? You are the second wife.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:46

I really like the suggestion of changing to my name if we marry! But then he wouldn't have the same as his kids...

When we marry, I should just be 'his wife' rather than wife number 2, in a way it makes me feel a little like she's still got a 'wifey' connection. It's probably totally irrational.

I don't mind her sending the cards, just find it weird that she makes a big deal of signing them from the 'X Surname Family' - as rather than her name and the kids. Once we ended up both at the same party and a friend of DPs, who didn't know his ExW was there, joked to me and DP that we were 'Mr and Mrs X Surname' quite loudly. His ExW took me to one side and said that was very inappropriate and of course I wasn't Mrs and that she still had her name.

I do understand about her kids, but one of them has already changed her surname through marriage, and the other is soon to change it too.

But maybe you are all right, it is just a name after all. There are other things to worry about. Just feels a bit weird to me, must be some deep rooted issue I have!! Blush

OP posts:
Funko · 18/05/2016 21:46

I divorced my exh (finalised on Friday woohoo),I haven't and don't intend to change my surname. It has zilch to do with any links to my exh.

My son has his surname. Therefore I will keep mine. It is our identity. I've also been known by this name for professional purposes for sooooooooo long it would be quite frankly weird to change it. Also was never a fan of my maiden name.
Yabvu. Soz

Ooh my very first yabu on MN! As you were everyone 😄

Chewbecca · 18/05/2016 21:47

YABU

I am wife #2, wife #1 still has the same surname. I couldn't care less. DH did help round the house occasionally too when their children were still at home, especially for things that helped the children.

I sometimes refer to myself as 'the present Mrs xx', a la Terry Wogan.

Best to get humorous about it than get grumpy.

queenMab99 · 18/05/2016 21:49

I always hated the fact that my exhusband's second wife stole MY surname! Silly isn't it.

BYOSnowman · 18/05/2016 21:50

No probably about it. You are being irrational.

It's her name. Doesn't matter about the kids. When she changed that was it. Yes she can choose to change back but she has no obligation. It sounds like they were married a long time given ages of the kids so changing her name would be a change in identity. Why should she have to go through all of that on top of the break down of her marriage?

What annoys me is the implication that the wife is some how a chattel who has been cast aside and should now scuttle off into a hole.

The other things - sure have an issue. You don't say how the relationship ended or how long ago so you may find it calms down

timelytess · 18/05/2016 21:52

My dd wanted me to have the same name as her, so I kept his. Years later, she married, and he died, so although I have his name, no-one else does. Well, wife 3 does and her two children. But I don't count them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread