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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
MissMargie · 18/05/2016 22:33

I find it weird she signs cards from the Smith family (or whatever) as it is not the whole Smith family as exDH isn't in it with her now (nor are the girls come to that).

If I was her and not trying to make a point I would sign it from Sandra and the girls or whatever.

That IS a bit ott. I don't sign cards from the Smith family now DCs have left home but from me and DH.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 18/05/2016 22:36

I would have loved to have gone back to my maiden name, but my DC didn't want me to, they wanted to have the same name as me. I find it a bit odd that the OW now has a very similar name to mine, we sound like we should be sisters but it's only a name.

I sent Christmas cards to my exFil. I missed him but wasn't 'allowed' to keep in touch, properly. I was very sad that I couldn't go to his funeral but DS1 represented me.

ExH and his wife are too old to have DC together, but they have a female dog. ExH refers to them as his girls! a couple of bitches Grin

justdontevenfuckingstart · 18/05/2016 22:36

I will be changing my name when I get married. Have never thought about his ex changing her name, I did deed poll back to my maiden name tho after I divorced because I knew he was going to remarry and I didn't want to be the same as her. So I contradict myself.

NotQuiteJustYet · 18/05/2016 22:36

When you marry someone you do not have to take their name, but if you choose to it legally becomes your name too - a jointly owned name, for arguments sake. Ownership of the name is not settled as part of divorce proceedings because she now owns rights to the name too, rights he gave her when he married her - rights he'll give you if he marries you OP.

Believe me as someone who has recently married and is still fannying on changing their name some 7 months down the line as EVERYONE demands to view the original copy of your legal documents, should something happen to DH and I, I will absolutely be keeping my surname. I am not going through this twice.

Sunnsoo · 18/05/2016 22:38

Yanbu to be wound up over it. I don't know why she would want to keep it if the marriage failed.

My boyfriend's ex wife does this too, and they don't have kids together. Every time I see her she somehow manages to squeeze her surname into the conversation! It's quite sad really. I think she would be much happier if she changed her surname and moved on. Of course, I've never said this out loud! I just nod and smile!

VelvetSpoon · 18/05/2016 22:40

Jesus, some of these responses are really quite patronising and sneery.

OP is perfectly entitled to feel as she does.

I'm not planning on marrying my bf because marriage isn't that important to me. That said, I don't get why in an acrimonious situation anyone would keep the surname of an ex-spouse they despise? It's weird.

Appreciate the OP's situation is slightly different as her partner and his Ex seem to be on reasonable terms. However I don't think he should be doing her DIY, as their DC are grown up it's hardly for their benefit! Seems like she still likes to think of herself, children and her XH as a unit. And after 11 years that's a lot more weird than the OP being upset about it.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 18/05/2016 22:41

Get over yourself. She's wife 1, if you get married you will be wife 2. She's probably kept her surname because she wants the same one as her child and/or can't be arsed with all the legal hullabaloo that goes with changing a surname.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/05/2016 22:41

Oh, hush. If he liked her that much, he'd never have got divorced.

Stop moping around like the second Mrs De Winter and go and to something more interesting. Embrace life! Let HER become jealous of YOU because of your humanitarian OBE/bestselling books/stellar body/Masterchef award. Anything but this whiney shiat. Ok? Good.

Blu · 18/05/2016 22:43

Oh, the honour of being given rights to a man's name!

Op: the answer is for your DP to change his name to yours. He can do it now, he doesn't have to wait until you marry.

Anyone had the right to change their name to anything they like.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/05/2016 22:43

The only thing I think might 'get to me' would be the card thing. Exactly how is she signing these? "The Smith Family" or "The 'her initial' Smith Family", technically, this is right as she's a Smith and she's signing for herself and her remaining child, and they are a 'family'. We stopped signing for our kids when they moved out, other than for specific joint gifts. But if she's signing things 'The 'his initial' Smith Family', then I'd say you have a reason to be upset and her ex has a reason to ask her to stop using his initial.

As for the rest of it, YABU.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/05/2016 22:43

PS Although thanks for starting this thread. I do like the idea of my ex's 2nd wife (awful, weird, unreasonable woman) possibly being annoyed that I kept his surname. :)

Steamgirl · 18/05/2016 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 22:45

DP doesn't get on that well with his ExW - well he tries to keep a distance. She more seems to want a friendship but then asks for more favours (not kid related) so DP backs off.

I really don't mind how many cards she sends to his family. Just wish she didn't sign them from 'X Family'

OP posts:
BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 22:46

Its understandable that you'd prefer not to be reminded of his connection with his ex wife, but she can call herself what she wants, as everyone can, and its none of your business. I freely admit I don't buy into the one family must have one surname shite though, as I didn't change mine. It might feel different if you see having your husbands name as some positive desirable thing though, I get that.

Surprised to hear people referring to it as ex wife's legal name though. Your legal name is whatever you want to call yourself as long as you're not using it for the purpose of deception. Its not a particularly meaningful term. If OP decided to start using it too, without marriage, it'd be no more or less her legal name than XWs.

TheOnlyColditz · 18/05/2016 22:47

My partner's ex wife's new kids still have my partner's surname so .... I imagine her partner (ie their father) is more offended by it than I am. I just think she's crackers.

Ledkr · 18/05/2016 22:47

Ive kept mine and in remarried Grin I decided that dd would feel sad being in a family with a different name to hers.
Exh gf couldn't give a monkeys either.

BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 22:47

Good idea blu!

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 22:47

Velvet op asked 'am I being unreasonable?' We are telling her how it is. she shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to hear it. But in all fairness she's taken the answers so I don't know why you're getting so arsey about it.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 18/05/2016 22:50

His ExW took me to one side and said that was very inappropriate and of course I wasn't Mrs and that she still had her name.

This seems very odd to me and the 'family' signing of cards and getting her ex to put up shelves - she's wants to let it go.Hmm

YANBU I totally get your insecurities but he is with you now, not her, so don't even waste any more time thinking about it.

Original poster
Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 22:51

What'sgoingon that was one of the few posts that cheered me up and made me smile! I'm kinda cross with myself that it's got to me, I don't even know when it did, and now it's hard to budge!

OP posts:
CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/05/2016 22:52

My mum still has my dad's surname (so that she would have the same surname as me and my brother) and he is remarrying this year.
My mum stopped being important to him a long long time ago, despite still having his name.

It's just a name, not a status.

OP, believe me, his ex wife is not important like you are because you'll be his wife.

3BusyBabies · 18/05/2016 22:52

YABVU
Why should she change her name back? And also, what's the problem with asking the father of her children for the odd favour? I'm not planning on divorcing but would like to think it would all be very amicable and I'd definitely keep my married name!!!!

mushroomsontoast · 18/05/2016 22:53

YABU. I have kept exH's name, it has been my name for 12 years and it is my DC's name. As others have said, it kind of feels like my 'adult' name, it's the name on my degree certificate, the name I've had throughout my career.

Tbh, I don't see why I should have to choose between my exH's name and my maiden name, which is essentially my father's name anyway. In a post-divorce feminist moment I briefly considered changing my name by deed poll to my mother's maiden name! But I couldn't be bothered with the faff...

I also refer to me and DC as 'the Smiths' sometimes. It's no big deal.

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 18/05/2016 22:55

I kept my ex name for 14 years, until I remarried. Name changing is the most tremendous faff and I just didn't care enough - no dcs to consider then, and it was a simple name I didn't have to spell out on the phone.

This name appears on my dcs birth certificates, they have their fathers surname (as do I now). I have no plans to change this - it would be like rewriting the past. Anyway the dcs were at the wedding, they wouldn't be fooled...

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 22:56

I really don't mind how many cards she sends to his family. Just wish she didn't sign them from 'X Family'

But they are the X family, and presumably everyone knows they're not together.

You can't help help how you feel, but you know you're not being reasonable.

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