Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 18/05/2016 21:18

If you don't fancy being the second Mrs Cookie why not keep your own name?

greybead · 18/05/2016 21:18

If h left me, I'd keep his name because it's the name my kids have. My parents got divorced 20 years ago, my mum still kept the surname for the same reason. Yabu. You can't erase this from his past because there are kids. It will never be erased so you'll need to find a way to come to terms with it.

MrsSpecter · 18/05/2016 21:19

but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird

Its not taking his surname, its changing your surname so that it is the same as his.

Also, you dont have to change your surname when you marry.

Bluebolt · 18/05/2016 21:19

It is so much easier having the same surname as your children, especially with passports.

BYOSnowman · 18/05/2016 21:19

When I changed my surname I didn't see it as a borrow that would be recalled if we divorce. I made the choice to change my name on a permanent basis. Seems odd to think someone is keeping it because they have feelings for their ex!!

DogSniffer · 18/05/2016 21:20

It's only a name. I wouldn't get so worked up about it if I were you. My partner and I have never married and our son has his surname. It's not something that's ever bother me. The shelves, on the other hand, are a different matter...

CousinChloe · 18/05/2016 21:22

I can understand how you feel, but I'm afraid you just have to get over it - she has every right to keep using her married name and particularly understandable given that it matches her kids' name.
There really is nothing you can do about this - he will always have been married to her before you and if you can't stand that fact I think you need to move on.

coffeeisnectar · 18/05/2016 21:22

I went back to my maiden name after my divorce but I didn't have children then. If I had I probably wouldn't have changed it so we all had the same name, not because I wanted to still feel like I was still 'the wife'.

Dps ex (probably still his wife to be fair, she won't get the absolute) still uses the married name. I really don't care. I found it more offensive when she used to come into our house when picking her their dd and then start saying 'oh do you remember when we went to xxxx?' randomly like she was trying to prove something. Ironically I knew him first so I'm not sure what her fucking point was but it got bloody wearing and I'd just leave the room so she didn't have the audience (me) she craved.

Get over it. You will be the second wife. As I will be. I don't care. dp will be my second husband. He doesn't care either. At the end of the day, he's with you, not her.

20thcenturybitch · 18/05/2016 21:22

My married name is just that - MY name. If, heaven forbid, we ever divorced I cannot imagine wanting to change it back to what I think of as my childhood name when I have had this name almost my entire adult life and it is my childrens' name.

The other stuff though I can see is annoying.

You will be wife #2 as everyone has pointed out. If you're not ok with that then that's a much bigger issue.

maybebabybee · 18/05/2016 21:23

Lol. Yabu.

Lucyccfc · 18/05/2016 21:25

This must rank as one of the top 10 most ridiculous posts I have seen on here.

It's a name - it's her and her children's name. She was the first wife, you may be the second wife.

Please give your head a wobble OP.

AyeAmarok · 18/05/2016 21:25

YABU.

DaughterDrowningInJunk · 18/05/2016 21:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 18/05/2016 21:26

I get where you're coming from, op. It's stirs up some odd feelings, ones I've had too Blush

We're both being unreasonable though, and need to get over ourselves.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 21:27

Yabu.

I took my husbands surname when we married. It is now my name. You can be sure I won't be reverting back to my previous surname if we ever divorced.

Unicow · 18/05/2016 21:27

YABVU. The harsh reality is that it's as much her surname as his and it is also her DCs surname. Also if you marry him you WILL be wife number 2. If that bothers you so much then maybe you need to find someone who hasn't been married before. Your DP comes as a package with an ex wife and kids you need to learn to deal with that.

314inTheSkye · 18/05/2016 21:28

I have a different sur name from my kids and ideally i'd like if we had the same name.

at first i hated his sur name but now it doesn't even feel like ''his'' name, it's a sur name that is so familiar to me, it's as familiar to me as my own, and it feels like a family name. Cos it is, it's my children's name. I do feel connected to the name.

Janefromuptheshops · 18/05/2016 21:28

I've got ex husbands second name still.

I regularly refer to me and the kids at the XCrew. Suck it up buttercup.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/05/2016 21:28

Do you see her using her legal name as spiteful? If so, YABincrediblyU.

Janefromuptheshops · 18/05/2016 21:29

Actually I changed my name by deed poll to his name before we got married (as we had DC and I didn't want to get married).

So I couldn't change it back even if I wanted too!

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 21:29

Good grief, not playing a Tina Turner on her, how ridiculous is that? I can assure you that if they have split, are in friendly terms and he is happy with you, it is not a good thing to go all controlling and ruin that balance because if you do, the children will be unhappy, their mum also, your partner will be unsettled and you will be there sitting in the middle on the shit that you created for everyone and yourself.

AnneElliott · 18/05/2016 21:29

I guess by now you know you're BU! If it bothers you that much, ask your DP if he'd be ok with his ex changing their kids names to her maiden name? If he won't allow it, then why should she change it and have a different name from her kids?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 18/05/2016 21:30

Fwiw I would feel odd keeping my ex's surname, even if it is also my child's. But then we never married so I never took his name, and I've never had the same surname as ds. I imagine this influences my view.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 18/05/2016 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 18/05/2016 21:31

It's her name now, her family name with her children. YABU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread