Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

[Orangecookie]

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

I see where you are coming from

If you divorce someone for whatever reason then you think you wouldn't want to be associated with that name

Some keep it as have kids - but as you said if girls then likely to lose /change their name years later

Tbh I think woman who divorce don't change it as its so much flaff

When I married years ago I Obv took on hubby name

Sadly he died but I am still under my married name

Tho I think if we divorced I would have gone back to maiden name (tho hated it)

Hubbys mym divorced 30yrs ago yet still kept married name - which I always thought was weird as she HATED his guts

Now with DF. His ew still has their married name so guess I will be mrs 2

The thought of changing my name again when DF and I marry is ahhhhhhh

So much paperwork

Hence why think divorced keep married name

I'm wife no.3 but we all have a past which has brought us together today. He's husband number 2 too. I totally understand how you feel as I felt the same. It was my insecurities that they had a link that I didn't have. I thought I would feel strange sharing the same surname as his ex but I don't. He's my husband and we now have a beautiful daughter together. I had to keep telling myself that there was only actually me suffering and I was doing it to myself. They no longer had feelings for each other if they had they would still be together. It was me over thinking things and torturing myself. Hope this helps.

Thanks CHitch - it is an additional stress I don't need, so I should just try to get over it. Blondes I guess his ExW has given me reason to believe that she likes my DP still being 'husbandly' - likes being Mrs X, not just the hassle of changing it. 2rebecca Yes I do find it annoying ExW asked DP to do shelves, I've been single for years and did my own blinkin shelves, it is the 21st century!

eightoutoften that sounds very grown up and civilised! However I did start off being grown up and friendly to ExW and even went to her house a couple of times to do her a favour myself! But she got out the family album of her and DP and made it fairly clear she would like me not to be around...

YABU, unfortunately, although I understand. It irritated me a lot that there was someone with DH's last name knocking about, who wasn't married to him anymore, neither did they have children. She was established as Dr DH's name though, so she kept it not to confuse her patients. We're many many years later now. We're married, but I have kept my maiden name, because that's the norm in my culture.

Then your dh needs to say no to any odd jobs that need doing at hers

Is his plan to do jobs she perceives as "too manly" for her forever? I do think it's the equivalent of him finding girlie jobs for her to do. I wouldn't want my husband doing odd jobs for his ex. Fine if it's to do with the kids but even then now they are adults I'd expect him to reach them how to put up shelves as well not just do it for them. His ex needs to properly plan for life without her husband. I helped my teenage son put up shelves in his student flat recently. We arranged that next time he'll borrow my drill for a while and get mates to help as I can use my husband's. My dad got me my drill age 23 and a large diy book

Just to clarify, I didn't ask XH to put the curtain pole up - DD had mentioned in conversation that we had tried to put it up but the drill bit I had was not the right one and we were going to buy one. So, he offered. It was for DD room and she was with him - it may well have been DD who drilled the hole for all I know - I left them to it and drank tea.

YANBU to have feelings, but YABU to expect xw to change her name, as she shares it with her children.

I can completely understand your discomfort though. DH was never married to XP, they had children together and DCs were given his surname. After they separated, and we were together, there was some legal stuff to sort in transferring the house to XP and sorting out paternal responsibility, and XP had to change her name by deed poll to Mrs DHname, as she had been using it unofficially and had filled out all the legal paperwork in that name. It particularly rankled with me that because she became Mrs DHname when we were planning to marry, and after we married people automatically assumed that I was wife #2, when actually I was wife one and only! I understand that she is the mother of two of his children and that she will always be a part of our lives, but they parted on bad terms as she was unfaithful, and she and her some of her family have been horrible not only to DH but also to me and our children, so we have as little to do with her as possible, whilst trying to be civil for the children (grown up now, wedding #1 was an experience!).

Sorry, that turned a bit cathartic! In short, you can feel how you like; she shouldn't still be calling on him to do did if DCs are older and could probably help out too. Xx

Thanks Username - that does seem a little strange, to become Mrs DHname at the time you were marrying him! Even though, you can see the 'logic' with the kids, but even so... It is still taking on your husbands name.

My mother kept her name after divorce 'for us' but then a couple of years later changed it when she remarried! I'd actually not even realized she'd kept it. I guess it's just something that we can do nothing about as it is everyone's choice to be called whatever they want.

Yup, I think we have to just accept that anyone can change their name to anything they want, and unfortunately our DH's Xs will share our names. The thing I like to remember, is that she is X for a reason

At least you have his support and he doesn't like being called on for diy, it's not like he is under the thumb or anything. Good luck with your wedding, and the future