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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 20:46

That is so nice Cauliflower and so healthy for any children involved. My son and his ex have got my one DGC between them and my eldest is my DSs DSD and now they've both got new partners who both have DCs of their own. They all get on famously and to hear them meeting up to chat about holiday rotas and co-operating and accommodating each others holidays with each couples respective DCs (they're even planning one together with all their DCs) is an absolute joy and how it should be. I unfortunately did not have a positive experience of being a stepmum because of one person continually throwing a spanner in the works but it is good to see how it can work if everyone is grown up about it.

BarryTheKestrel · 19/05/2016 20:48

My parents divorced when I was 2, my mum kept his surname until I married DH in 2012. She wanted to have the same name as her child and as soon as my name changed she felt she could change hers and went back to her maiden name. My dad remarried 3 times and has left a string of ex wives with the same name (they all had the same first initial too!).

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/05/2016 21:04

Barry Grin at your dad leaving a trail of Mrs A. Hissurname s' behind him.

user1463231665 · 20/05/2016 06:45

I agree with Cauliflower. I have even paid thousands of pounds to get the children to see his parents (they don't live near) every single year. no one ever thanks me but I do it because I feel it's important and he would not be doing it. I am about to pay hundreds so they can go to the funeral of the last of the grandparents shortly (my ex's parent). I don't go to the funerals as that would upset my ex and perhaps his new wife but was delighted to visit his mother with her only great grandchild and all our children a month ago. You can't just write off 20 years. You don't have to hate each other. Keeping the name is sensible for all kinds of reasons not least that you want the same name as your children.

I thought long and hard about what I regarded as a major concession in changing my name all those years ago. It has made life easier as we all had the same name for decades and I am not going to change back now and anyway I'd be changing back to my father's name.

CauliflowerBalti · 20/05/2016 07:33

We're not always grown-up, Bahhhhhumbug. It really is a sibling relationship now, with all that entails, and we also sometimes violently disagree over things related to our son. But I didn't want this to happen. I didn't marry him and get pregnant with him believing anything other than I was creating a loving space for my son to grow up in. My only regret about it all is that this didn't happen. My son's parents are divorced. He deserves better than that. So we do both work hard to make sure that, 95% of the time, he gets the next best thing.

I think it's the measure of a man in these scenarios if he does support his ex-wife - not just financially, but as a parent and human being. Being able to walk away without a backward glance isn't a quality I would value in the potential future father of my children. It suggests that you too could be disposable. Living in each pocket's isn't healthy either, but we first wives do deserve a little respect. Most of us are no threat to you. We're very happy someone else has to deal with his snoring/football obsession/whatever now.

2rebecca · 20/05/2016 08:27

I kept my name through both marriages. I think long term this will bother you less and she may remarry any way.

OneMagicMummyV3 · 20/05/2016 17:29

I kept my ex's name after the divorce. I prefer it to both my maiden name and my new husbands name. Seriously, I do not want to be Mrs Marmite! My 5 kids have their dad's surname, so I am keeping it. If my ex remarries then there will be two Mrs HisSurname in the world, and it'll be awesome!

BonerSibary · 20/05/2016 17:59

It has made life easier as we all had the same name for decades and I am not going to change back now and anyway I'd be changing back to my father's name.

Obviously call yourself whatever you want, but this would only be true if you thought of your XHs surname as your FILs. Or whichever male forebear he got it from. You refer to the surname your XH has and that you took as his own, so unless he invented it himself, that would mean that your surname is your own and not your father's. I am not saying you should change your name back, but you should be consistent.

caramac04 · 20/05/2016 18:18

I married at 20 and changed my name. We had 4 dc. We separated after 19 years (we finally divorced many years later when I could afford the court fees....He didn't contribute). I kept my married name (not his name, my name but the same as his) so that I had the same name as dc. DC are all grown up and I still use my married name . It would be totally weird to revert to maiden name. If I were to remarry I'm not sure what I would do. If I were young I would not take husbands name and dc would have my name.

Katherine2626 · 20/05/2016 18:21

It would not be unreasonable for you to feel like this, but it is unnecessary - as others have said, you will be wife number two - so what? He chose you. First wife wants to have the same name as her children - totally understandable, so would I. Good that she gets on with the ex in laws - they might feel really hurt and lost if she cut them off, and why should she? They are grandparents to her children and no doubt v. important to all.
At the moment you don't have his name, his children, or any in laws, and I can really see why this may be making you feel unsettled as there is a lovely cosy scenario going on with the others in this equation but - be happy, you have the man you love and want and all will be well in time.

Artemisia48 · 20/05/2016 18:23

Wow... a lot of YABUs here... But actually an interesting topic.
It's 2016 and how about we evolve a bit? It's not the 50s any more. So why can't a divorced woman revert to her maiden name since she is, well, precisely, divorced ? As in, she no longer shares her ex husbands life so why should she still wear his name? What's the logic behind it? Regardless of the children it doesn't make any sense unless rye former wife has built a professional reputation using that name. I am a divorced mum of two with a great relationship with my ex, still sending Xmas cards to my ex in laws (YABU with this) but NOT asking him to fix the shelves (as someone else said this is probably the root of the issue ) and I chose to revert to my maiden name, still adding my ex married name for the schools or to facilitate communication when needed; I also added my maiden name to that of the children on their Passport and they have started using both names themselves (not forcing them with this). I do find weird and patriarchal that 2 women can have the same name. The former Missus and the current one?? I wouldn't want it for myself. I am going to remarry this year and I am keeping my maiden name. You can keep the parental and amicable family relationship going with an ex without using their name, surely? The past is the past. This strikes me as a dated convention. Or AIBU too...

Corialanusburt · 20/05/2016 18:28

You can't control the name or the cards hung so let it go.
The shelves etc. Are another matter.

RuthyToothy · 20/05/2016 18:39

So why can't a divorced woman revert to her maiden name since she is, well, precisely, divorced?

She can, if she chooses to do so.

As in, she no longer shares her ex husbands life so why should she still wear his name?

And equally, why shouldn't she, if that's the name she's used to having? As many on here have stated, they had their married name longer than they had their maiden name, so a name they last used 20 or 30 years ago wouldn't necessarily feel more like 'theirs' than one they'd been known by for several decades.

saffy42 · 20/05/2016 18:43

I retained my married name, which I'd had almost as long as my maiden name. Really didn't like maiden name! BUT the overriding factor genuinely was that I wanted the same name as my children as I always had. I still have same name now. We are still family but not A FAMILY. If you can all get along it's JUST SO MUCH NICER FOR THE CHILDREN and your own peace of mind. It may not be ideal and straightforward but this is the path you are going down don't get hung up about stuff it'll eat you alive.x

Toastie81 · 20/05/2016 18:55

I feel exactly the same as you. It irritates me but I know there is nothing I can do and she does have that right. She has the same name as my DD also though and I don't as DP and I aren't married. Also same name as my stillborn DD which stings a little.
But, I get on with it.
Just wanted to point out you aren't the only one.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 19:01

" it doesn't make any sense unless rye former wife has built a professional reputation using that name"

This may well be the case. But whether she's a top lawyer or a SAHM, everyone who knows her knows Sandra CurrentSurname.

Most of the women I see every day I met after they were married. I have no idea of their birth names, for the most part. If one left a message at the switchboard under her birth name regarding a school matter or whatever, I wouldn't know who to callback.

YABU to think names only matter professionally.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 19:02

Sorry for your loss, toastie.

You could propose?

WeAreTheOthers · 20/05/2016 19:03

YABU but I see where you're coming from. I would say that as you seem to have a good relationship with your DP just try and not worry about it, she is the mother of his children after all.

Hullygully · 20/05/2016 19:03

Keep your own name.

End of problem.

Unless you feel a need to broadcast that you are a possession of course.

TimeforaNNChange · 20/05/2016 19:08

But whether she's a top lawyer or a SAHM, everyone who knows her knows Sandra CurrentSurname.

Exactly! My exH and I relocated after we were married, so everyone I know knows me as Mrs. Reverting to my maiden name would have been a nightmare socially and professionally.

And when DH and I married, well, it just didn't seem necessary to change my name.

ExH hates it though.

Notmuchtosay1 · 20/05/2016 19:44

I have never really thought about it. I've been with my partner for over 20 years. Longer than he and the ex wife were married. She has his sir name and I don't. I suppose there's an element of jealousy that they were married because he doesn't really want to marry again. But I've never thought of her changing her name. But having said that, knowing her maiden name, I think I would want to keep the name shd has now. It's a much nicer name.

Terrifiedandregretful · 20/05/2016 19:44

She has every right to have whatever name she chooses. You can always keep your own name on marriage if you don't want to be the second Mrs Hisname.

lorilobs · 20/05/2016 19:49

You sound a bit jealous.
I concur with above theme. YABU.
Move on.
They are divorced, she is no 'threat'.
Don't waste your time with the envy.

deedeegee · 20/05/2016 20:10

Was wife no 2- now divorced. Kept surname for child so that there would be no complications at school for DD-now complications for me at work if I were to change it back. Ex husband very keen for child to keep his name- I plan to change back to maiden name after I retire in a few years time. Don't really see the problem tbh....

Just5minswithDacre · 20/05/2016 20:16

Keep your own name.

End of problem.

Unless you feel a need to broadcast that you are a possession of course

What a load of goady bollox Hully.

It's a choice. Which is supposed to be what feminism is about.

Anyone choosing to make a name their own on marriage, isn't thinking about the "problem" of a future divorce bringing an embarrassingly insecure new girlfriend with a name fixation anyway. Not at the point of marriage. Why on earth would you be predicting that? Other people's insecurities are not a 'problem' for a name owner anyway.

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