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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangecookie · 21/05/2016 20:42

Mandp76 At last! Someone who doesn't think I'm totally bonkers! It's odd I also went round a few times to Exes house, actually to do her a favour (not shelves... ) and she also got out 'the album' of their life together... I did find that quite hurtful too and backed off since then.

It was DP who wanted to leave, but Ex was totally up for it and found a man before he found a gf (not me, I can later). BUT her BF didn't work out and she constantly moans about how lonely she is to DP.

HullyGully I agree with you in that there is a history to this. Despite being able to be free to choose, there are hardly any women on this thread who have reverted to their maiden name, or given their husbands their name instead on marriage.

A lot of people seem to say quite strongly that it has become 'theirs' and don't see it as related to their husband after divorce.

For me it makes me want to get well out of any 'competition' with my DPs ExW - and I guess thinking about it, there does seem to be a strong undercurrent coming from her - particularly when she was cross about me ever being a 'Mrs X' - I must have got a bit sucked in.

I have my name since birth and I quite like that it has been my identity for my whole life. And I've decided from this discussion that I'm not going to change it. If DP wants to take it when we marry that would be great! Such a compliment to me! But if he doesn't want to take it, I won't care either. And if we divorce, it will make my life simpler.

And if his ExW calls herself 'Mrs DPs name' for the rest of her life, I'm not going to give a crap. Although next time she asks DP to mend her shelves, I'll send her a link to a DIY course, signed from Ms/miss/Mrs Cookie.

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 21/05/2016 20:57

Sounds like a plan OP!

CauliflowerBalti · 22/05/2016 00:22

I wish I'd kept my name. Nice work...

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 22/05/2016 11:32

Go Orange!!!

Newbrummie · 22/05/2016 11:36

I kept my name, I always knew HE wasn't a keeper though. Don't get married cookie, honestly lol

Dinkiedoo · 22/05/2016 11:43

why object. are you jealous maybe?
Its her name .get over it

facebookrecruit · 22/05/2016 17:56

Sadly my dps ex would have clung onto his name purely out of spite if she hadn't met her partner. I'm fairly sure he forced her to sign the divorce papers as well. If you think she's doing it to be a dick YANBU. I've been on the end of a spiteful ex for many years and it is so frustrating.

Happy101415 · 22/05/2016 17:57

I actuly think its good she is still involved with HIS/THEIR KIDS family ..would you rather they hated each other ? Maybe she is just keeping things noce and friendly for their kids sake ! She was married to him and took his surname ..their kids also have this name presumably she kept it so her and the kids have the same !! You are 100% bu !!

BeanyGodkin · 22/05/2016 18:06

I felt exactly the same way as OP. It really bugged me that she had his name-his kids live with her and I do understand they want the same name.
What did we do?
When we got married I kept my name. When we had kids together they took on my name, not his. We saw his surname as a symbol for his first family and my surname as a symbol of his second family. DP even offered to change his name to mine but I wasn't too bothered as I wasn't prepared to change mine to his.

GabsAlot · 22/05/2016 18:08

i wouldnt like my dh going round to his ex to fix shelves but then again shes an old witch and he hates her

i can understand how u feel her getting out the family photos is a bit weird and stalkerish

Originalfoogirl · 22/05/2016 18:10

If you get with someone who has a previous marriage, all the things that are bothering you, are things you should have thought about before you chose to be with him.

You will be his wife. But you will be the second one he's had. Therefore you will be his second wife. Get used to it.

That she keeps the name she legally acquired, should have no bearing on your relationship. If you are secure enough in your own relationship, and trust him enough not to care for his ex in an inappropriate way, why the hell should it matter what she does.

Incidentally, my mother in law signs cards from "the family" should that piss me off, or that his brother does it? It's only a bloody name.

Unless of course, the name is only a symptom of what's really wrong.....

Jofo · 22/05/2016 18:12

Actually you will be the third Mrs X as, presumably, his mother also has the same surname. YABU, why would she want a different surname to her children unless she chooses to marry again?

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 22/05/2016 18:15

I had this.
Do not live together, do not marry and do not have DC until he he has cast of the shackles of hi ex-w.

Randomer234 · 22/05/2016 18:32

My partner was married (and divorced) before we got together and recently started planning our wedding... I'll be wife no 2 but I know he's marrying me because he loves me and divorced his ex for a reason. They still have to be in contact for the kids but she kept my partners name for a while before she re married. Didn't bother me as like I say they divorced for a reason. We all get on for the sake of the kids.

SoupDragon · 22/05/2016 18:42

No feminist (or a better term would be anti-sexist) would give up their own identity for that of a man.

How sad that you only feel your identity is bound up in the surname you were given at birth.

Theresnosuchthingasagruffalo22 · 22/05/2016 18:50

My DP and I want to marry, but when we had DS I decided to take my sons surname and changed it by deed poll. This also meant I had the same surname as my partner, but I am still a miss for now until we marry, and even if we didn't make it, I would keep the name as its the surname my son has..

SoupDragon · 22/05/2016 18:51

When I was born, I was given 3 names. One was given out of tradition, two were chosen for me alone and given out of love. I kept those two and simply swapped one traditionally bestowed name for another. Guess what - I'm still the same person and did not lose any part of my identity. All I lost was a name that rhymed and caused me hassle.

If my DC wanted to change their surname, I couldn't give a stuff. I'd be a little upset if they wanted to change the names that were chosen just for them though.

mrsc118 · 22/05/2016 18:58

My mum still used/uses my dad's surname. It kept us all the same name while we were younger. They've been divorced nearly 20 years. My mum will probably ditch it at some point. My dad remarried so he has a second wife. I expect your more annoyed about something else other than the name thing.

SavageBeauty73 · 22/05/2016 19:20

I'm divorcing my ex. I absolutely hate my abusive alcoholic ex so have gone back to my maiden name by deed poll.

I've told the kids I'm changing my name back and they are fine about. I asked if they wanted to go double barrelled but they are cool with keeping their surname how it is. I couldn't give a fuck I haven't got the same surname as my kids; they know how much I love them.

dorisdog · 22/05/2016 19:21

It's her name, not his name. Whilst we still have a outdated patrilineal marriage naming tradition, that's how it is. Shakes feminist fist in the air

Pammie70 · 22/05/2016 19:23

I have kept exh surname. I certainly don't want him back but it is my children's name and as it is a little unusual people know me professionally. I am now Miss H rather than Mrs H. I also send cards to the ex in laws and buy presents for niece's and nephews, they did nothing wrong and are my children's family. I feel that this is more civilised and makes things easier.

Hullygully · 22/05/2016 19:25

I feel you've ever so slightly missed the point soupdragon.

But I can't say I'm surprised.

KindDogsTail · 22/05/2016 19:31

I can understand it must be upsetting for you OP, but it is what normally happens and not with any intention to hold on.

Friends of mine who divorced all have their husband's surnames. Their lives with their husbands, and having had children with them who took their husbands surname too, meant that their maiden names were no longer what any one thought of as belonging to them... more's the pity.

It may happen less in the future if women do not take their husband's name.

dorisdog · 22/05/2016 19:31

BeanyGodkin - that's a wonderful family story. Made me feel all warm inside :-)

KindDogsTail · 22/05/2016 19:33

Lovely, Beany!