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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 21/05/2016 11:03

I've written this before re name changing but...

Image we never had the tradition of name changing, or rather women taking/being given their husband's name. Any children take both parents names. You met your partner and were about it get married, he suggests 'I know, when we get married why don't you stop using your last name and use my last name instead' sounds bonkers doesn't it. Hopefully name changing will die out and I think if it does it'll be the sort of thing women in the future will be incredulous ever happened. You get married and you don't even get to keep your own name, you start going by somebody else's name! Baffled how people can think stamping your name on something DOESN'T signify ownership.

AHellOfABird · 21/05/2016 11:07

Nnnngghhh!

Sunny, they go from their dad's name to their FIL's on that logic.

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 11:18

AHell So either way women go from one man's name to another? If you go right back, all womens names have come from men. So what is the alternative? This is hurting my brain too much for a Saturday morning Grin

Just5minswithDacre · 21/05/2016 11:25

Hully, that's a ridiculous thing to say and I am a feminist who kept her name.

All feminists make a "non feminist" choice sometimes.

This.

Or they just make a pragmatic choice, for various reasons, a miserable childhood being one possibility.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to accept (and respect) that the full gamut of choices around names (including children's names) have pros and cons and may be preferred by different people for various reasons.

AHellOfABird · 21/05/2016 11:26

Well, it's incorrect to say "all names" have a male root - Brewster came from women who brewed beer, IIRC.

As a wider point, though, my name is Lily Smith. It has been since birth. That is my name. It's no more relevant to my ownership of the name that Smith was sourced from a "male" profession than that Lily was from a flower once.

You wouldn't expect me to change Lily on marriage aged 30, so why expect me to change Smith? Both are my name, regardless of who else in the world has them.

fakenamefornow · 21/05/2016 11:44

From a purely practical pov keeping your own name makes a lot more sense. Women are mostly older when they marry now, they very are likely to have bank accounts, property, jobs, educational qualifications, passports, driving licences, investments and a million other things to have to change. Men on the other hand have nothing to change, they don't even have to change their titles for Mr to some married version.

Giving children their mother's name also makes more sense. The mother is more likely to be the first point of contact for schools, GPs etc and if parents split the mother is usually the parent any children live with most of the time.

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 11:45

AHell I didn't realise that and am now going to spend the rest of my morning reading up on the history of names. I find it really interesting.

I was born Jane Smith. I am now Jane Jones.I hated my last name so I changed it when I got married. With hindsight I would have still changed it but maybe not to my H's name. I am still happy I changed it.

fakenamefornow · 21/05/2016 11:53

I don't think I've ever heard of a man hating his last name , for whatever reason, and wanting to change it, not saying this doesn't exist though, just odd that so many women feel this was compared to men. For those who hate their last name because of it's connection to dead beat/abusive such a shame your mum didn't give you her name, I guess a generation ago women had even less choice in this.

fakenamefornow · 21/05/2016 11:55

dead beat/abusive dad's

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 11:57

fake With hindsight I wish I had changed to my mums maiden name but it didn't even occur to me.

Lumpylumperson · 21/05/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KitKatCustard · 21/05/2016 12:02

I changed my last name to that of my great grandmother (nice female connection, although it was , of course, also the name of my great great grandfather). And I didn't change it on marriage.
All three of my (adult) children now have surnames different to me and different to one another. It matters not one jot.

Hullygully · 21/05/2016 12:07

My posts are simply factually accurate.

For hundreds of years women belonged to their fathers and were handed over to be the husband's possession (hence "giving away the bride/chattel").

If you participate in this ritual and take your husband's name, you are participating in a profoundly sexist practice.

There are plenty of alternatives if everyone wants the same name:

The man takes the woman's name
They all choose a new name
Plenty of societies have alternatives eg Iceland where girls are called Mother'sdottir and boys are called father'sson eg Magnus Magnusson.

It is ridiculous that this outdated and hideously sexist practice continues, and it feeds into the wider attitudes towards female status.

Feminism is about getting rid of sexist practices, not "choosing" whether to indulge in them or not.

Just5minswithDacre · 21/05/2016 12:14

No they weren't Hully; They were sneery.

Hullygully · 21/05/2016 12:17

All posts are open to interpretation, it's all in the eyes of the reader.

Finding my posts sneery or anything else doesn't change the accuracy of the contents, although trying to argue about perceived tone does of course avoid having to deal with inconvenient facts.

Lumpylumperson · 21/05/2016 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Just5minswithDacre · 21/05/2016 12:22

The facts being what? That until very recently everyone was bound by inflexible patriarchal naming traditions and names almost invariably passed down the paternal line?

That's what's so great; That convention has been smashed. Everyone has a free choice and every time a relation is formed or a baby is formed, the whole issue is up for discussion, with every option available. Nobody is obliged to follow any convention any more. They can do what they want.

Just5minswithDacre · 21/05/2016 12:22

relationship is formed or baby is born

Hullygully · 21/05/2016 12:31

That convention has been smashed.

Hardly.

Just5minswithDacre · 21/05/2016 12:35

It has from where I'm standing. Nobody I know makes an assumption about names (baby or post-wedding); They ask. They have to.

MakingJudySmile · 21/05/2016 12:36

Double barrelling isn't a terrible idea, but how does it work the next generation down?

Joanne Simpson-Brown and Gareth Drinkwater-Potter marry: the children's surname is?

Simpson-Potter? Potter-Brown? Simpson-Drinkwater-Brown-Potter?

Anyway there's no legal requirement on marriage it's all choice.

AHellOfABird · 21/05/2016 13:39

Well, that would be the choice of Joanne and Gareth, which is not really an issue, is it?

"That's what's so great; That convention has been smashed. "

Smashed is a bit strong; still many assumptions On This thread and elsewhere that "tradition" will be followed

igglepiggleisanarsehole · 21/05/2016 13:44

I wouldn't like it either being honest, but I acknowledge its unreasonable.

Mandp76 · 21/05/2016 15:55

Orange, speaking from personal experience I know exactly where you're coming from. What you have described is exactly what I've been through. Also one day my now dh went to his exw house to fix something she had nobody else at all to do the job, despite having a father who is excellent at day and her own bf. I decided to go along and was promptly subjected to a trip down memory lane which included her pushing photos of her topless from a holiday they had been on years ago together. I was mortified and hurt. She left dh for another man, then after that failed wanted him back by which point he'd met me and started a new life.
I'm afraid the only thing which will solve your problem and feelings is time. Whatever happens she is still the mother of his kids and will always be there in the background. I'm a very jealous person by nature and it took a long time and a lot of convincing from my dh that he was over her and the only reason she is around is because of the kids. Dh exw has eventually got bored and has stopped trying to get him back. She still has his surname but that's just something that I've had to deal with and get over in my own head.

Dad2Cariad · 21/05/2016 17:44

Some married people with kids just become friends and seperate.
Live apart but still care for each other and their kids.

She asked him to fix shelves as she can't. Her kids are probably never going to help so she asked her 'friend.

Don't ask someone to choose between you and friends.. it will cause resentment.
Just try to chill and live with it.
He' probably won't see the need to marry after being married. What's the point.

Just being legally, fianancially bound to another woman.

Hopefully you are perhaps his first affair?

Why do want to be 2nd wife?

Just asking..