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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed by DPs ExWife still having his surname...

686 replies

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 21:11

I don't know this would get to me, but it just does!

My DP's ExWife still has his surname, and they have kids. He divorced a while ago but we are not married. She does contact him a lot to get him to 'do stuff' like fix shelves, a bit less so now. She sends his in laws cards for their birthdays and Xmas always signed 'from the X surname family'.

Maybe I should just get over myself and not think about it. But it makes me feel like she is still in my DPs 'family unit' more than me. We will marry at some point but the thought of taking his surname also makes me feel weird, like I'd be wife number 2!

Anyone else feel annoyed? Or and I just getting wound up over nothing?

OP posts:
Meluzyna · 20/05/2016 20:26

" an interesting topic. It's 2016 and how about we evolve a bit? It's not the 50s any more. So why can't a divorced woman revert to her maiden name since she is, well, precisely, divorced ? As in, she no longer shares her ex husbands life so why should she still wear his name? What's the logic behind it? Regardless of the children it doesn't make any sense unless the former wife has built a professional reputation using that name. ......... I do find weird and patriarchal that 2 women can have the same name. The former Missus and the current one?? "
An interesting question indeed. I'm in France and here the situation is completely different: 1) you never officially lose your birth name: even if you choose to be known socially as Madame HisName - and epouse HisName can be added to official documents like your driving licence or ID card, you are still legally Madame Birthname.
2) When a couple divorce, if the woman has been known as Madame Hisname she has to obtain his permission to continue to use his name. I remember reading about a bloke, let's call him François Leclerc. Wife n°1 was called Catherine: she took his name on marriage and he agreed to her continuing to use it when they divorced. After the divorce they continued to live in the same small village. Then he got married again and his second wife also became Madame Leclerc. the problem was that her given name was also Catherine! It made things rather awkward.
Personally, when people say Madame Hisname to me I think they are referring to my M-i-L!
The easy solution for the OP is either he takes her name when they marry or they choose another "neutral" name - you can do this relatively easily in the UK, whereas in France it is pretty rare to change your surname because it is a complex, expensive legal procedure. I have never met anyone who has changed their name in France, and i've been here 30 years!

BonerSibary · 20/05/2016 20:48

It's a choice. Which is supposed to be what feminism is about.

Erm, no it isn't. Feminism is about empowering women, or liberating us, or achieving equality. However you want to put it. Women make choices that shit all over other women all the time (and no, keeping your surname doesn't necessarily qualify as this). Feminism doesn't require support of these choices, or even of the right to make them. Something doesn't become a feminist act just because a person with a vagina freely chose to do it.

BonerSibary · 20/05/2016 20:49

That should have been changing your surname above. Point remains though.

Just5minswithDacre · 20/05/2016 21:12

Something doesn't become a feminist act just because a person with a vagina freely chose to do it.

No of course it doesn't. You've inverted my argument. Or extrapolated wildly from it. I can't thin which after a Wine

I'm just sick of women bitching at each other for their equally legitimate choices regarding 1) names and 2) work after children.

BonerSibary · 20/05/2016 21:23

So go on then, tell us why feminism is supposed to be about giving women choice. With no regard to whether the choice they make actually helps or hinders the pursuit of equality. You can be fed up with women bitching at each other over surnames (my use of your phrasing here does not imply agreement with your use of it to describe the post of Hullygully's you objected to) whilst not perpetrating the feminism is about choice fallacy.

cheekymummy89 · 20/05/2016 21:40

Things like this annoy me a bit ... my parents divorced a little over 2 years ago ... married for 28 years and had 2 children together (me and my sibling) she still uses my dad's surname as that has been a part of her for so many years and that is how people now know her. Plus up until me me getting married she shared a name with her kids. If she wants to keep his name then so be it it doesn't make you any less a part of his family. And of course same as my mum she is still very much a part of my dad's family sends cards and we'll wishes and occasionally goes round for coffee .... after all they were her in laws for a very very long time she gave them 2 grand children and was a big part of their lives. You just got to deal with it unfortunately

BummyMummy77 · 20/05/2016 22:09

Dh's ex kept his name and it pissed me right off. They never consummated the marriage and he got out of it as soon as he discovered she was a complete loon.

We both really wanted her to change her name back. We live on a small island and our first names have the same initial so we were both getting each other's post.

They have kids which does make it harder but you ANBU in your feelings whatsoever.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 22:10

Erm, if they have have kids, they consummated the marriage...

PurpleDaisies · 20/05/2016 22:11

How do your dh and his ex have kids if they never consummated their marriage bummy?

splendide · 20/05/2016 22:11

Unless they used a turkey baster?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 20/05/2016 22:12

I think Bummy is referring to the OP's DP, not her own DH.

flappingbingowings · 20/05/2016 22:21

So, you are worried that if you become his second wife, you will feel like a second wife? Is that right?

Heyheyheygoodbye · 20/05/2016 22:28

Hmm I think YABU. My DH took my name when we got married. If, God forbid, we got divorced, I wouldn't expect him to change his Confused Especially if we had kids and he shared that name.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 21/05/2016 07:10

YABU

They were married and had children together. Whatever her thoughts on him she would keep the name to ensure she had the same name as her children.

That she has a good relationship with her ex and in laws is a good thing and (presumably)in the best interests of the children. This is their father and grandparents and their needs should come first.

Sounds to me if this is a long term relationship you need to accept this, if you can't you are with the wrong person!

LookingforMaryPoppins · 21/05/2016 07:37

If feminism gets thrown in the mix don't name the kids with their fathers name in the first place!

It causes difficulty having children with a different surname to your own, you effectively have to prove you are their mother.

My surname is the same as that of my children, however my passport isn't ..... It's easier for them to accompany my husband through passport control than me.

chubbylover78 · 21/05/2016 07:44

I've been divorced for 8 years and still use my married surname. I can change it back to my maiden name but it's such a flaff as everyone that knows me (tax office, banks etc) know me as Mrs ××××××× and it can take ages to get it changed back.

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 07:51

I still have my married name (not yet divorced but seen stbxh for 3 years) His first wife also kept her married name. So did my ex sis-in-law So there are 3 Mrs Married name yet none of us are still in the marriage. I went on to have a baby with another man (whom I am no longer with) and my baby also has my married name. DC1 has my maiden name, dc2 has a double barrelled name (maiden name-H name) dc3 has H name and dc4 has my married name Grin It has become my name plus I prefer it to my maiden name. My maiden name has only bad memories for me because it is the name of my fucked up and abusive dad so no way would I go back to having the same name. If I was ever going to change my name it would be to my mums maiden name but I really can't be arsed. I will never go back to my maiden name. If I ever marry again unlikely due to me making bad choices re men I will still keep my name. It is mine.

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 07:51

*NOT seen stbxh for 3 years

chubbylover78 · 21/05/2016 08:13

Bit off topic here but my brothers partner has the same 1st and middle name as me so if I revert back to my maiden name and they marry there will be 2 of us with the same name in the family. Soooo not right lol

snowgirl29 · 21/05/2016 08:15

it makes me feel like she still has a wifey connection.

Trust me OP. I have been separated from the Ex for almost 5years, we are still legally married, (I'm waiting to divorce without his consent but that's a whole other thread), I still have the same surname as him. I still insist on people calling me Mrs snowgirl, as that is my legal title, and it is also the one I share with my DCs.
I can assure you though, that I wouldn't touch said Ex with a bargepole if he came wrapped up in a giant gift bow. He and his partner are a loving couple who my DCs adore. As long as my DCs are happy, I don't care.

dulcefarniente · 21/05/2016 09:03

My xMIL was very keen on reminding everyone (but especially me) that she was the first Mrs Farniente. Being top dog is a huge thing to her as it obviously is to the OP. I wish I'd kept my maiden name in hindsight but I thought it was important to have the same name as dcs. I still think it is important and my dc would be very upset if I didn't share their surname to the extent that they would want to change too but that would start WW3 with xMIL.

OP you can't have it both ways. You don't want him to change his name because it would lose the association with his children's name but you want their mother to lose her association with them.

The card does sound odd in not signing with their first names but how do you know it's not a longstanding joke/tradition between them? My parents and BIL have a way of addressing each other that others might feel was odd but I can't imagine it changing even if dsis and BIL divorced.

Hullygully · 21/05/2016 10:20

Women taking the man's name is entirely about denoting possession.

That is its point.

No feminist (or a better term would be anti-sexist) would give up their own identity for that of a man.

AHellOfABird · 21/05/2016 10:30

Hully, that's a ridiculous thing to say and I am a feminist who kept her name.

All feminists make a "non feminist" choice sometimes.

ForalltheSaints · 21/05/2016 10:30

The thought that occurs to me is that the children and the ex-wife have the same surname, which may avoid some questioning of the children's parentage in certain situations. Or the ex-wife being thought of as a single mother when it should not be an issue.

sunnyoutside · 21/05/2016 10:37

Hully i kind of see what you are saying. But I couldn't wait to be rid of my dads name. I will never go back to it. Surely most people (well certainly my peers) go from their father's name to their husbands name. So either way they are taking a man's name. Not sure what I will advise my dd to do when the day comes. She has my maiden name+my husbands name but is known just with H's name.