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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
Elena567 · 18/05/2016 14:12

Sorry the above post isn't very clear, the paragraphs with * on either side are quotes from previous posts, and are suppose to be highlighted bold. Not sure what's happened there!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 14:14

Why are you friends with her? You really don't sound very fond of her!

I couldn't be friends with someone like that, tbh.

gamerchick · 18/05/2016 14:18

I think if you agree to her going again you'll get a flurry of messages where she tries to choose the venue.

Just tell her no you want her to yourself for a proper catch up and stick to it.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 14:20

*If the idea is to try food & she's not open to that then it's pointless to ask her again imo.

It's a shame she couldn't have just laughed off the coffee thing, but I wonder at your colleague looking to check that everyone else was on her side?

That's how it comes across to me, sorry if wrong, but she would be accepted by them another time anyway!*

I think my colleague was a just bit taken aback more than anything. I don't think she was looking for anyone to take sides, she was looking at us more to say "Woah, what happened there?"

*Why are you friends with her? You really don't sound very fond of her!

I couldn't be friends with someone like that, tbh.*

Walter I'm friends with her because I've known her since we were in school together, 99% of the time when I see her it's just us, and the conversation flows naturally. We can talk to each other about our problems etc. But she is shy around people she doesn't know as well as me, and with new people.

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 18/05/2016 14:20

Oh I am blaming myself, trust me. I've was kicking myself that night

See that's no good. This is AIBU. You're supposed to argue Grin

I don't think anyone here would question that it was awkward for you that night. It was a predictable outcome though.

There are lots of ways to keep this from happening again though. Stay vague about numbers, times ect on your Thursday get togethers. Maybe even hint that it's not that regular anymore. Suggest meals out somewhere you know she'll be ok with just the two of you. You go to her town for the next couple of visits?

I have an 'odd' friend. She is my oldest friend, form primary school. I like her company but things can be tricky. We have a great time when the stars are all in alignment everything is planned out right.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 18/05/2016 14:21

Elena, bold doesn't travel across spaces and paragraphs, so you need the asterisks for each separate para. HTH.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/05/2016 14:23

Frankly, she sounds like a pain in the arse who is totally lacking in self awareness & social skills.

I'd be blunt. 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me. It's a work night out & we have all agreed no one from outside of work'. If she's stupid enough to ask to if it had anything do with her I'd say 'We've had a few non work people come & it changes the dynamic'. Tell her if she wants to meet up it'll have to be another night.

It's one thing to have difficult & socially unaware friends, it's quite another to inflict them on work friends.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2016 14:26

Christ on a bike! Just tell her it's a work thing and that inviting her was a one off.

shovetheholly · 18/05/2016 14:32

FWIW, I have seen a restaurant (a really friendly place that I go to all the time) throw out a customer for bringing in a coffee from another establishment. It is REALLY rude. Just because you're a customer doesn't mean you can treat waiting staff, management, the chef, or anyone else that works there like crap!! You can't walk into a place that serves food for a living and demand to eat your packed lunch and pay nothing for the privilege, equally you shouldn't bring in drinks from elsewhere! You can, however, ask whether they will by any chance be able to serve you a European-style coffee (to be honest, I would judge any kitchen that couldn't do something that simple for punters).

I imagine the friend was just incredulous that she would even consider doing that to be appropriate!! I would find it a bit staggering.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 14:38

there is no place for a confirmed-non-foodie on a foodie-foodie-foodie night out.
It's daft to think otherwise.

Verbena37 · 18/05/2016 14:42

If she asks again I'd say that really it's only a thing you do with the other office staff and they didn't mind your friend going just for that once. Say they never invite their friends or partners etc either. Then bolster her up a bit by saying about just you two going out next time on a different night.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 14:48

I wouldn't like Malaysian coffee either, I don't like Turkish either - but there's a way of doing it nicely so that the restaurant is not offended. If it would have been me, I would have said, I'd love a coffee but I don't like Malaysian coffee and would they possibly have a UK coffee available? If they said 'Sorry we don't', I would have said - "That's a shame. Would you mind very much if I nipped next door and bought one?". They wouldn't have, because I would have eaten with the group (and not pulled faces). I would have given a nice tip too.

Your friend is awkward and seems to get a kick out of defying social convention. It's not acceptable because social convention is essentially just being pleasant and not making people feel uncomfortable in your presence.

I think you have two options: Say to friend, "No, these are work things, we talk shop, let just have our own nights out, just we two". Repeat as often as needed - or you can say, "Look friend, the way you were at the restaurant made all of us feel awkward and uncomfortable. No problem with ordering what you want, just do it with a good grace - and tip, don't ask for change, not if you want to come out with me in my group of colleagues, I was embarrassed".

I'd pick the first one. You're not being unreasonable AT ALL, it's just what you do from this point on - don't get caught out again!

Bloodybridget · 18/05/2016 14:50

What on earth is Asian style coffee??

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 14:55

What's UK coffee??

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 18/05/2016 14:56

your friend is a twat.
i wouldn't go for a cup of tea with her much, less a meal.
i hate miserable mean bints like her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 14:58

Walter, I just mean a filter coffee or instant or something - just not oily or chalky coffee.

I've just realised how daft 'UK coffee' sounds, we don't grow it here! Grin

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/05/2016 14:59

In my head 'UK coffee' is Americano (the irony)!

PartyShitter · 18/05/2016 15:02

This sounds exactly like my sister, except she would sit there and take photos of everyone and post on Facebook with captions like 'Amazing night out with the girlies enjoying my dinner YUM Smile' whilst simultaneously complaining and making everyone feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have to get drunk otherwise I can't cope, I advise you do the same and only dine with her one and one IF you have to.

Badders123 · 18/05/2016 15:03

I fond people like her utterly soul deafening to be around.
Sorry.
I wouldn't be going out with her again.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/05/2016 15:03

YANBU to not ask her again. But it does sound like she's If she's realised that her social life is inadequate but hasn't quite clicked that it's because of how she acts. So if she's a good friend is there a way to help her out a bit?

Is there anyway to tell her that if she wants to come out with groups of your friends she needs to adapt to the group better? I'm not sure how you would do that - some people can hear that sort of thing straight out and it's a revelation for them, others would be mortally offended. Some people you have to be really subtle with and they get the hints others would not have a clue unless you spelled it out. And I don't know what you do with the one's who need it spelt out but would be mortally offended by straight talk.

Possibly if there's another group of friends you go out with where her idiosyncrasies would not be such an obvious clash? Or start something new up with her and some others? It just sounds like she must be pretty lonely if she's going on about having a good time when it looked to you like it was pretty miserable, and she's mentioned being excluded from her other group. But new groups of friends won't work if she doesn't understand the need to adapt a bit to group norms.

Lot of effort for something that isn't technically your problem unless she's a fairly dear friend though.

bibliomania · 18/05/2016 15:05

I'd say to your friend that you enjoy spending time when it's just the two of you so you can concentrate on having a proper talk and not risk getting caught up in boring old work chat.

If you do like spending time with her, there's no point telling her she doesn't fit in with this group. Sell her on the delights of a one-to-one meeting, including the benefit of her being able to pick the venue.

beccabanana · 18/05/2016 15:19

I have a friend very similar, fine on her own with just me but very awkward with other friends and on the rare occasions I introduced her to them, she just bitched about them when we were alone - then moan she wasn't invited out with my other friends.
Once she specifically asked to come out with a group I knew she wouldn't like so I would say 'oh it's so and so's birthday so invited only' or 'it's someone's leaving do' - I just felt so bad but knew my evening would be ruined worrying about her sat with a face like a slapped arse all night and then embarrassed because my other friends were asking me what's up with her.
In your situation I'd probably go with, the 'how bout next week, just us two, the other group tend to talk work and I know we go to places that don't really have food you like, so I'd prefer just to catch up on our own'

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 15:26

gosh it's a real drag having friends that you have to put so much time and energy into "handling" and "managing" just to be able to spend time with them isn't it?

I've let a few friends like this 'go' over the years - once I clicked that spending time with them induced more anxiety than anything else.

shovetheholly · 18/05/2016 15:35

This episode in the restaurant doesn't necessarily make her a bad person to hang out with everywhere, though. It just makes her a bad person to go to restaurants with!

I have friends I like to go running with and friends who would honestly rather stab their eyeballs with rusty needles than don a pair of trainers and go round the streets in shorts. The lack of running amongst this second group interferes in no way whatsoever with their wonderfulness as drinking companions in the pub, however. Similarly, some of the runners don't drink and are crap pub companions!

This is similar. The mistake was to invite a non-runner to a running group! Keep the group of friends who enjoy food as a hobby together, see this other woman separately somewhere you both like to hang out, with cheap Fanta!! Grin

Nocabbageinmyeye · 18/05/2016 15:39

Yanbu at all op but you are with work friends so even if your friend had been fun time Frankie it would be perfectly reasonable to reply "so glad you enjoyed it, let me know when you are free and we'll arrange a chat up, I'm free any night other than Thursday nights" if she asks or hints at going on Thursday nights then just reply "One night was fine, the others have done that in the past if a friend is in town, but as a rule we tend to keep it to just the work girls or it changes the dynamic, it's something we agreed on a while back which is fair I think. Looking forward to our night out"