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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
EvieT49 · 23/05/2016 11:00

I had read the full post, but am trying to see things from the friends perspective.
She is eccentric and a bit different, shall we say. 'Eccentricity' can be amusing - doesn't have to be annoying. I would be inclined to laugh about it.
She was invited along with a group of friends and not knowing them very well yet - she didn't join in much, but did listen. She had a good time and was keen to do it again, and maybe get to know everyone better. Sounds like she doesn't have many friends. I think she knows she's not a social 'whirl' or whatever, but hoped to be accepted none-the-less.
Turns out - shes not as welcome in the group and her friend is a bit irritated and embarrassed by her 'peculiarities' and she's understandably offended/hurt/embarrassed. She's reacted defensively.
I think if I valued the friendship - I would find a way to fix it. Apologise. Say I'm sorry - I never should have invited you. Whilst we are all willing to try new foods - we are a work based select group and we don't include partners or personal friends.
Xx

honeybunny14 · 23/05/2016 11:08

I could have written this about my friend yanbu

oliviaclottedcream · 23/05/2016 11:13

Blimey that would drive me completely insane... I can't bare fussy eaters at the best of times...Let alone socially awkward - stingy ones. No OP, YADNBU. Don't invite her again is my advice. She sounds like hard work to me..

LookJustCancelTheCheque · 23/05/2016 13:01

Evie, they're not eccentricities or peculiarities; they're a refusal to acknowledge social norms. Muscling in on a night when you know that, as a fussy eater and a tightwad/on a budget, you won't like or be able to afford the food, is very bad behaviour.

Bringing coffee into a restaurant from elsewhere is inconsiderate and bolshy.

Announcing pointedly that you can't afford to drink the wine the group is ordering is rude.

The OP has tried to point out all these things and more to her since, but she's not having it. She's incredibly thick-skinned and/or, TBH, sounds a bit hard of thinking.

CatsNOwls · 23/05/2016 13:25

I don't know if this has been pointed out or not, but your friend might be asperger?

She's a fussy eater, doesn't seem to understand social norms (like why not to bring coffee in and pointing out she can't afford drinks), is socially awkward, and her stinginess may be obsessiveness (if she wanted 70p change or refuses drinks £1 more).

Females are a lot less likely to get a diagnosis as they're good social mimics when they know a group/person. She may not actually understand and, if you can, it's possible that talking to her about this may actually help. I notice people have said about her needing to see a therapist but it might not be as simple as seeing one for social anxiety/awkwardness.

I understand if you can't talk to her and YANBU to not want her to come along again, but it is probably best if she explores these issues and she may need someone to point them out to her, especially if she does have asperger's syndrome as she wouldn't notice she's acting outside the norm as she'd have very little grasp on what the norm is.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 23/05/2016 13:35

Cats, the OP has been quite explicit with her friend about what the problem was but the friend disagreed and argued with her about it. Please leave off the armchair diagnosis as her behaviour is way beyond adpie social awkwardness. Most of the aspies I know would never want to put themselves in such an uncomfortable social situation ever again.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/05/2016 19:22

Cats - read the thread - people have popped up every 20 posts or so, to offer that same helpful suggestion!

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 23/05/2016 20:17

Cats, meven if you don't want to RTFT a ctrl + F search will show you that you are the ninth person to make that suggestion, and that it has been refuted by numerous posters.

puddingbunny · 24/05/2016 04:25

I had a schoolfriend who was similar -- fussy about food, reluctant to spend money, didn't click with any of my other friends. Like when we were in our twenties, she'd insist on getting a bottle of Coke from Superdrug and sitting on a bench in the street rather than venture inside a Starbucks. And she made art too! (It was not good).

She wasn't on the autistic spectrum at all, she just never matured beyond the age of about fifteen. Her parents were extremely controlling and wouldn't allow her to grow up. I lost contact with her in the end because she was so relentlessly negative about everything.

BelfastBloke · 24/05/2016 06:50

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair, can you explain about ctl + F search?

I do that on my iMac and nothing happens. But I'm not sure why anything would. How would that reveal an Asperger's suggestion on this thread?

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 24/05/2016 06:54

Belfast it's command + F on a Mac.

It lets one search for occurrences of the word 'asperger' on the page to see if anyone had posted it before without having to RTFT. Also v useful to page between OP's posts.

You can do it on an iPhone by putting the word into the address bar and scrolling down to the 'on this page' option.

BelfastBloke · 24/05/2016 07:31

Thanks Becky! How interesting - it works!

You should evangelise about this further. Like I try to, when people think they have to read threads in pages, when they could read a thread all on one page...

RhodaBull · 24/05/2016 17:28

That's interesting what puddingbunny says about her (ex) friend. I think some people are eternal teenagers and think the world owes them a living. Dh has a friend who has never married and really still thinks of himself as the "child" in any situation. He has short arms and deep pockets and his default position on anything is a petulant, "Why should I?" His dsis told me that at their family events he thinks it's reasonable never to help out and to come for the whole of Christmas with one box of Quality St.

So why is dh friends with him? He's a good laugh and they have a shared hobby, but would dh mix him with work friends? Aaaaggghhhh!!!!

GarlicShake · 24/05/2016 21:36

short arms and deep pockets - That one's new to me! Love it!

Dreamofthe90sisAliveinPortland · 25/05/2016 16:52

Any update OP?

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