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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
LaBelleOtero · 18/05/2016 15:43

Tbh I quite like a cheeky Fanta every now and again, but I wouldn't dream of ordering it in a restaurant. It's a cinema drink!

CarolH78 · 18/05/2016 15:47

Oh God, I was half laughing, half cringing my way through reading your description OP! My DH has a friend like this from his uni days. They would go out to the pub every few weeks, sometimes with others from uni. Then he started asking if he could tag along to other things, like DH mentioned in passing that our neighbours have a semi-regular dinner thing where everyone brings a dish and he more or less invited himself to that.

DH came home a bit stressed and wanted to find a polite way to uninvite him because, like you, he just knew that this guy wouldn't fit in, has a tendency to moan and nitpick, and would make the dinner awkward for everyone. Stupidly, I said "no, I'm sure it'll be fine, let him come". He made snarky comments about how "posh" the food was (it really wasn't), barely spoke to anyone or ate anything, and after dinner switched on the TV and sat watching it while the rest of us were sitting at the table chatting Hmm Sounds less of a nightmare than your restaurant experience but still was quite awkward. At the end of the night, we talked about whose house the next one would be at and he says "sounds great, let me know which night". DH was going to let it quietly drop and hope he forgot but he followed up with an email about how much fun it had been Confused and "don't forget to let me know the date for the dinner at X's".

Anyway, DH later had a conversation with another of their group of uni friends who said this guy had begun inviting himself to his Sunday rugby games (despite not really playing and, again, spending most of the afternoon sitting the corner looking at his phone instead of participating). This other friend got fed up and asked him why he wanted to keep coming when he didn't seem interested in actually taking part, and it turned out the guy had started seeing a therapist who had advised him to be proactive about going to more social events. Unfortunately the therapist hadn't also advised him on why some of his behaviours might not be conducive to getting invited back...

Sorry for long post but it's possible that something similar may be going on with your friend. Sounds like maybe she's trying to gain more of a social life but is a bit socially inept and doesn't realise why she doesn't get as many invitations as perhaps she'd like. If it was me, I'd just make a polite excuse...but if you're up for it (and have more courage than most!) you could try and diplomatically mention you're surprised she had so much fun as she didn't seem to enjoy it that much at the time. That's not a conversation for the faint hearted though, I'd definitely bottle out Grin Good luck whatever you do!

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 15:50

I have an 'odd' friend. She is my oldest friend, form primary school. I like her company but things can be tricky. We have a great time when the stars are all in alignment everything is planned out right.

I think we may have the same friend in common! Grin

I often feel this way about her as well, like she's not very flexible, and wish she'd go with the flow more.

gosh it's a real drag having friends that you have to put so much time and energy into "handling" and "managing" just to be able to spend time with them isn't it?

I think you've hit the nail on the head. This is what I was trying to explain when I said I couldn't be arsed with the conflict. If it was anyone else I feel like I could be upfront with them, and they'd take it on the chin and not think much of it. But she's quite precious about a lot of things, and will take it really personally. Judging from how she talks about being excluded in other groups it's as if she thinks entitled to being included.

Update She texted me because I didn't reply to her FB message, following up. I took the advice from here, and pretended that I just wanted to catch up with her one on one, and felt like we couldn't do that when we were out last week. She replied saying there's not much new to catch up on we keep in touch regularly on FB (which is true) then asked where we were planning to go next Confused Arghhh just take the hint dammit.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2016 15:51

She sounds very hard work and quite boring. No sorry that won't work. As mumsnet say, no is a complete sentence.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2016 15:54

I t hunk you will have to be explicit and say no, It will not work sorry.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 18/05/2016 15:54

"Honestly xx we agreed a long time ago to keep it to work friends, the odd time a friend had been in town then someone else has come a long but otherwise the general consensus is that it changes the dynamics which none of us like so it will have to be me and you, surely it's only my scintillating conversation you want anyway haha"

Beeziekn33ze · 18/05/2016 15:55

Just see her occasionally but never on a Thursday!

WanderingTrolley1 · 18/05/2016 15:55

Could she be suffering with (social) anxiety?

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 16:00

Carol and WanderingTrolley

I think you may be on to something. I think she may have some anxiety issues, yes. This is another reason why I'm feeling torn and worked up about the situation.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 18/05/2016 16:01

CarolH, thanks for your post, what did he try next? This would make a good sit com, different place each week!

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 16:06

Forgot to add she's also sent friend requests to a couple of people from the group that night, including the one she pouted at. I get the feeling she's going to send them a message at some point about coming along too. She's very sociable when it comes to FB and messaging, just not in person.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2016 16:13

Ok she might have social anxiety, but that's not your problem. If she was rude and difficult at the restaurant, then your friends will probably accept her friend request.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2016 16:15

Then tell her the truth, Elena. Why beat about the bush?

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:22

she's also sent friend requests to a couple of people from the group that night, including the one she pouted at. I get the feeling she's going to send them a message at some point about coming along too.

So you need the best way to be direct, blunt and fast.

I would go with "You can't come again - it's a work group for people who love exotic food. You were included one time as a one off favour to me. It's not as if you are even into food though but if you want I'm happy to go to different ethnic restaurants with you - you choose first".

Savagebeauty · 18/05/2016 16:23

She is a joy sucker.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 16:24

or as expat says just go straight to the truth.

You might need to warn the rest of the group re her seeking an invite via FB in case they are "too nice" to say "no fuck off you were a nightmare"

VioletVaccine · 18/05/2016 16:29

susanketty

I think you are being unreasonable - it's really up to her what she eats/drinks, she paid for what she ate etc. Some people are quiet and don't seem to be enjoying themselves when they actually are. If you didn't enjoy her company, fine, but that's not really her problem.

No, it's not.
But it's also not OP's colleagues' problem either. Why should they have to tolerate the nitpicking and fussing of a stranger during their time off?

YADNBU Op she sounds bloody hard work

AerithAngel · 18/05/2016 16:30

lol OP Sorry but I am dying with laughter at your post. No you are NOT being unreasonable

bibliomania · 18/05/2016 16:30

Well, you tried!

Feign huffiness at her because she doesn't want to meet with just you!

Carol, great story: the guy had started seeing a therapist who had advised him to be proactive about going to more social events. Unfortunately the therapist hadn't also advised him on why some of his behaviours might not be conducive to getting invited back...

Rachel0Greep · 18/05/2016 16:30

As said above OP, just say it's really a work thing, and repeat that you will meet her on another night.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 16:30

Okay, so I texted back in a casual friendly way, that generally we prefer to just keep it to just colleagues so we can bitch about work (we don't really, but I wanted to keep things light hearted) and that having someone outside work would change the dynamics (thanks for that one M'netters- wouldn't have thought to use that!).

She sent a message back asking if I didn't want her to be friends with my colleagues, and that surely they'd get a say too?! What the hell Confused If I didn't know her that well I'd think she was deliberately trying to make things difficult and awkward.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 18/05/2016 16:32

That has to be taking obtuse to new levels. I'm done with the sparing-her-feelings thing.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 16:34

I don't think she has social anxiety given how much she's pushing this.

Time for total honesty, I think.

Say you want to keep the friendship seperate and her fussiness and lack of tipping doesn't fit in with that group.

Mcchickenbb41 · 18/05/2016 16:36

She sounds quite hard work op. I think you've tried to be nice but she's kind off pushing you into a corner here.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 16:36

lol OP Sorry but I am dying with laughter at your post. No you are NOT being unreasonable

lol at least this awkward situation has brought some laughs to a few posters on here Grin If she hadn't messaged me about doing it again I'd be laughing about it too.

OP posts:
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