Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 13:24

Maybe just tell her it isn't a regular thing so it might be a while until the next invite? Then the next invite never comes Wink

MargaretCavendish · 18/05/2016 13:24

""Friend, the reason work colleagues arrange these outings is not just to socialise but to try to the wine, enjoy the food and not worry about cost. I got the impression that you were concerned about the cost and also not that keen on the food, so I think maybe we should just go out by ourselves at such and such time and date. Hope you can make it then!"

I think this suggested response is a bit rude - it makes it very clear that her behaviour is the problem. I know it is, but I also think this will upset her. I think going with (as other people have suggested) a 'it's a work colleague thing really/ we agreed not to bring plus ones on a regular basis' would be much more tactful. It does mean, though, that you can't bring along other friends outside the group, so beware of that in future!

diddl · 18/05/2016 13:26

If the idea is to try food & she's not open to that then it's pointless to ask her again imo.

It's a shame she couldn't have just laughed off the coffee thing, but I wonder at your colleague looking to check that everyone else was on her side?

That's how it comes across to me, sorry if wrong, but she would be accepted by them another time anyway!

Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 13:27

For the record op I hate that stinginess, I wouldn't bother going to a restaurant if I knew I couldn't afford it or would have to skimp on drinks and such.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/05/2016 13:29

Surely the only response to her message should be a humourous "ha ha, love your sarcasm! Lets go to X pub Wednesday the week after next, I am free and hope you are too!"

Vickyyyy · 18/05/2016 13:32

If one of my mates was going on like that I would HAVE to tell them they were being a bit of a dick. if that makes me a bit of a dick for having to say something then so be it.

I think you are being very very reasonable about it, more reasonable than I would be for sure.

WannaBe · 18/05/2016 13:32

IMO the issue isn't that she's picky or didn't drink, it's that she clearly has no social awareness at all.

There's nothing wrong with ordering water or a soft drink even if all the others in the group are having alcohol, from the group's perspective this shouldn't even be something which is questioned, I don't drink, I shouldn't have to explain my reasons why I'm ordering Coke or water,, but equally to say that she couldn't afford wine gives a very clear impression from the outset that she's expecting to do everything on the cheap.

Equally there's nothing wrong with being picky and ordering your own meal, but to then make a big deal of there being nothing on the menu is rude.

Complaining about 70P is rude in the extreme, as is wanting to go and get coffee from the supermarket next door.

I would just reply "ah, let's just meet up the two of us soon." And leave it at that.

eddielizzard · 18/05/2016 13:35

take care to arrange it for any night except Thursday. if she insists on a thursday i'd put her off. meeting / working late / whatever.

nobilityobliges · 18/05/2016 13:36

Who says we're trying to be sophisticated? We're just a group of women who enjoy food and like to try everything that's out there confused

I guess I just got this idea from the fact that you're casting this in terms of embarrassment - I can understand that regarding the stinginess and even the quietness, but regarding her wanting a plain dish, not wanting wine, not wanting Malaysian coffee... It comes across a bit like you feel her tastes are a bit declasse.

I enjoy a nice wine and I actually like Malaysian coffee but I can't imagine being embarrassed by someone not wanting to partake in these things, or embarrassed by the suggestion of asking the restaurant to bring in an outside drink (and you don't have to be an extreme fusspot to not like coffee with oil in it).

MargaretCavendish · 18/05/2016 13:37

I've just re-read the OP and noticed that the the friend had to travel to come to this dinner - presumably some distance, since you were going to 'show her the sights', which would be a bit weird if you were down the road. That she's so keen to do this again suggests to me that she's lonely and/or looking to get out of where she is. This doesn't make any difference to you inviting her back to your group meal, which you should not do, but I think you definitely should suggest a one-on-one meet-up, and try and gently check that everything's ok.

MargaretCavendish · 18/05/2016 13:41

nobilityobliges I wouldn't be embarrassed at someone not liking Malaysian food or coffee. I would be a bit embarrassed at them not eating Malaysian food in a Malaysian restaurant and I think the idea of bringing in an outside coffee is really not ok. I don't think the OP sounds snobby, she sounds like she was worried about her friend being actively rude to the restaurant staff (I mean, this is someone who refused to tip because she didn't like the cuisine of the restaurant!).

titchy · 18/05/2016 13:42

Just say you'd all prefer to keep Thursdays as an employees of X night and perhaps you and she could meet on Wed/Fri/Monday instead?

chanice · 18/05/2016 13:47

I don't agree with people saying you don't like her. It is clear you do otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to see her on the first place.
You also cancelled your plans to go out of your way to spend time with her and you did warn her what the situation was going to be like so that she wouldn't be uncomfortable and you suggested you do something else.
She ignored that and insisted on going to your foodie group, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and agreed.
But what expected had came true and she did indeed not like the food and made the evening awkward.
I wouldn't invite her again to that particular event but maybe to something else.

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/05/2016 13:49

Margaret I see where you're coming from - I think my wish to tell her straight that her behaviour is off-putting was not particularly well-suppressed! I find it very hard to pretend in these situations though - I'm usually the one going 'But I thought you hated it! You complained all the way through and spoiled it for the rest of us!' at such times.....

Mind you our entire friend group is like that so it all evens out.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 13:50

You were U to bring her in the first place when you knew she would behave that way.

You were setting her up to fail, really. Plus you ruined everyone else's evening by making that decision.

I actually don't think you have any right to invite her along again. Especially after her behaviour.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/05/2016 13:51

No youre not being unreasonable to feel embarrassed. You feel what you feel. It is what it is and all that jargon. I think most of would be embarrassed at our guest. Pouting like a 13 year old and wanting to bring drinks in from another shop.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 18/05/2016 13:51

It sounds like she's a bit desperate to infiltrate a social group as her own friends are finding things to do that she doesn't care for. She's doing that despite the other group of people also following an activity that she doesn't care for on any level.

I wouldn't invite her again and I'm not sure diplomacy's going to win the day. You need to be polite and kind but blunt I think so as not to leave her any room to wriggle and put you on the spot again.

We have friends who have extremely narrow perameters with food and also don't drink alcohol. We respect that's how they are and we would also never expect them to subsidize the bill. By the same token we have to suck it up when they only want to eat in a steak bar that we wouldn't usually want to go to and we do that because we like them and enjoy their company.

It's not snobbery, it's just horses for courses.

MargaretCavendish · 18/05/2016 13:53

Contessa fair enough - I know that my own instincts are too far towards conflict avoidance, so maybe in the middle of us would be ideal! I do think, though, that while your honesty has a lot of advantages it shouldn't be done through email - tone, opportunity to dwell etc. would mean that comments that would be no biggie in person can become friendship enders...

Buggers · 18/05/2016 13:57

I don't think your being snobby or mean at all. What the hell was she expecting there to be on the menu?! If anyone is snobby it's your friend for sticking her nose up at the food you warned her she wouldn't eat and then having the nerve not to tip when they made her something off the menu?!Hmm

MyLocal · 18/05/2016 14:04

YANBU, I have a friend like this. Moans about every restaurant suggested, doesn't like anything but overcooked meat and veg, has a cats bum face all evening about how crap the place and food is because she hasn't got any taste buds.

I love her dearly, she is good fun, but eating out for pleasure is a definite No No.

ipsogenix · 18/05/2016 14:04

She probably had no idea at all that that was all going on and would learn a lot from reading your OP. Possibly she is massively socially anxious and feels as though the evening was a huge success just because she survived it.

Rachel0Greep · 18/05/2016 14:04

It can be difficult at the best of times for one person to join in with a group who all work together and are used to socialising together. It does sound like she made zero effort though.
I cannot imagine why she thinks it was so successful that she wants to do it again. I would just say I'd prefer to meet another night for a proper catch up.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 14:04

Yes Buggers - i agree not tipping when the staff had all shown excellent service by agreeing to make her a dish that wasn't on the menu was very crap! To go as far as to expect her 70p change back!

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 14:09

*Skimmed thread.

''Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons ..... A) She's an extremely fussy eater, ... B) She's quite stingy, ... C) She's quiet and timid around new people.''

You have to take a hefty potion of the blame then OP, IMO.*

Oh I am blaming myself, trust me. I've was kicking myself that night, especially now she's messaged me saying she wants to do it again!

I went along with it at the time because as I've mentioned in a previous post, she often complains that she feels excluded from groups with her other friends, and I didn't want to add to that. But yes, I should have gone with my gut instinct.

I just feel like I've put myself in a situation where there's no way around offending her. While part of me feels bad, the other part of me just can't be arsed with the conflict. I don't feel like I should have to explain myself to her about why she's not included in a works night out, most people would accept this and move on. But I've known her long enough to know that she'll act a bit like a defeated victim, start asking me questions, and making me feel guilty (not in a manipulative way, but like I said she's quite sensitive).

  • "Who says we're trying to be sophisticated? We're just a group of women who enjoy food and like to try everything that's out there"

I guess I just got this idea from the fact that you're casting this in terms of embarrassment - I can understand that regarding the stinginess and even the quietness, but regarding her wanting a plain dish, not wanting wine, not wanting Malaysian coffee... It comes across a bit like you feel her tastes are a bit declasse.*

nobilityobliges - I think you may have misunderstood what I was getting at. I wasn't embarrassed that she wanted a plain dish/didn't want wine/didn't want Malaysian coffee. It was how she went about it...

Plain dish- She was playing with her food with her fork, scrunching up her nose and saying things like "Ew. Wish I'd never ordered this", then saying our food didn't look any better! She ordered plain vegetables, got plain vegetables. I don't know what more she was expecting.

No wine- fine, I just didn't like the way she said "I'm not drinking I can't afford it" to everyone 30 seconds after we all sat down. Why couldn't she have just left it at "I won't be drinking tonight"? Also I know she can afford it, she just views dining out as a waste of money. If we go to the pub and she gets a chicken fillet, she always says "I can't believe I've spent £7 on this, you can buy a whole pack of these in Morrison's for a fiver" Yeah you could but you've come to an establishment that requires to make a profit to survive Hmm

Not wanting Asian style coffee- again fine, but bringing in a coffee from next door is not the done thing.

OP posts:
HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 18/05/2016 14:11

"Next time let's do a Tuesday just you and me - you pick the restaurant"

Ignore the posters telling you you sound snobby - you completely don't! Your friend is trying to force herself into an established game she doesn't want to play, and then change all the rules and procedures to suit her. It's 100% not on.