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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
susanketty · 18/05/2016 12:18

I think you are being unreasonable - it's really up to her what she eats/drinks, she paid for what she ate etc. Some people are quiet and don't seem to be enjoying themselves when they actually are. If you didn't enjoy her company, fine, but that's not really her problem.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 18/05/2016 12:19

YANBU not to invite her again. However I don't see what the problem is with having tap water, I don't drink and often do that. I also won't pay for other people's drinks (unless it's just DH and I) as I don't see why I should pay for bottles of wine/beer that I won't drink!

PPie10 · 18/05/2016 12:20

Yanbu she sounds like an embarrassing cheapskate and an unsociable one at that. I can't imagine any social setting with her that would be pleasant. Don't invite her out again.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2016 12:22

Do you actually like her? I am really wondering why you are friends.

shovetheholly · 18/05/2016 12:25

Part of the point of a foodie group is really for everyone to enjoy the experience of eating and doesn't mind paying for nice booze and stuff. If someone doesn't, it kinda puts a dampener on things. A bit like having someone in a classical music group who hates classical music and sighs with boredom all the way through a symphony. There's nothing wrong with disliking classical music, but going along to a group that's all about appreciating it and then expressing the fact that you dislike it with every fibre of your being will affect the dynamic and other people's enjoyment.

Clandestino · 18/05/2016 12:29

TBH, she sounds like a social nightmare. No, I wouldn't invite her ever again. She needs to seriously rethink her attitude if she wants to be "one of the girls".

Mcchickenbb41 · 18/05/2016 12:29

I would say what someone else suggested. Say it's a work thing and that you all decided long ago to not bring any plus ones because if you all did it the group would become to big. Sounds like my mil to a T. Pulled a similar stunt at our wedding ie moaning about the food and any meals we've been out on since ( which she invites herself along to inc Father's Day last year and she's actually divorced from fil) moans about cost and everything on menu and has to make a bloody fuss. The restaurant staff look at her like she's off another planet and quite frankly it's bloody embarrassing. So yes I feel your pain

PalaceGirl · 18/05/2016 12:29

I had a friend like this once. She'd go for drinks with colleagues refuse to pay the "ridiculous" prices at the bar for soft drinks and then go to the supermarket over the road for a carton of juice. She'd bring her carton back to the bar and then proudly state that she only paid £1 for it and continue to drink it there and then. She never left a tip when we went out for dinner and was very, very tight with money (particularly with eating or drinking out but never when it came buying clothes, or jewellery for herself of which she had many items mostly unworn). She admitted to me that when eating out she'd always leave the table to go home before the bill arrived to avoid paying a tip (she'd only just pay for what she ate not 1 penny more). I always hoped she'd change but she never did. In the end we drifted (over other things) and I don't miss that part of her; it became embarrassing in the end to admit she was my friend.

nobilityobliges · 18/05/2016 12:31

I agree that you probably shouldn't bring her again. I also agree that it sounds like you don't like her very much... Also, if you bring along a friend to a group occasion you do bear some responsibility for integrating them into the conversation, particularly if you know they're quiet and shy.

cavedescreux · 18/05/2016 12:34

Just say "pleased you enjoyed it. Catch up again soon!" And let leave it there. That's more tactful than saying, um, we, it's a work thing (so get lost).

Jackie0 · 18/05/2016 12:34

Of course yanbu to not invite her again.
I think you know that.
Even if it had gone better it's inconsiderate to your colleagues to bring a plus one to a work night, it's just about okay as a one off but certainly not as a regular thing.
See her separately.

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2016 12:35

YANBU but it's a bit tricky to deal with. I think I'd go with a two pronged approach. You specifically want to see her on her own because you want to be able to have a nice long chat with her which you can't do as part of a larger group. Also, you can't include her in the food group because she doesn't eat the food, in the same way that you couldn't take her to a book group if she wouldn't read the books or take her to a badminton game if she won't play badminton.

I think you're going to have to be pretty blunt and firm, she doesn't sound like the type to take a hint. While her social awkwardness is sad for her you can't magically improve her social skills for her. I don't think you're being mean, you're not obliged to mess up other parts of your life trying to help her. You can still be her friend on a one on one basis.

IJustLostTheGame · 18/05/2016 12:36

Be tactful.
Say your colleagues like it to be a 'work people thing' and try and find something else with others to invite her too.

I am an incredibly fussy eater and fancy food places bring me out in a panic as to whether I'll find something I like.
I always tip and never bring my own though, that's mental.

TheWindInThePillows · 18/05/2016 12:38

She sounds really embarassing, the coffee thing would have had me cringing, sounds like your work colleagues are (it's one thing not to like much on a menu, it's another to start buying things from the shop next door!)

It doesn't sound to me like you don't like her, just know her really well and knew this wouldn't be her scene. Just do as everyone says, say it was lovely for a one off, but we've agreed not to invite non-work colleagues along every time and fix another different date.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 12:43

YANBU to not want to invite her again. Odd that she knows she's difficult about food, but didn't look up the menu in advance to see if there genuinely was something she could eat on it - is she normally fitted around by others so it's a long time since she was taken to a restaurant that didn't fit her narrow food preferences?

Her behaviour was socially akward, not "no thankyou, I don't want to drink tonight" or "No thank you, I don't drink" (Both reasonable things to say and only rude people would question further - unless I suppose they know you are a heavy drinker and you were claiming to never drink...), but "I can't afford it." makes everyone feel akward that they've picked the wrong restaurant. Again, if she knew where you were going and had been warned that it was expensive and at the time said it was fine, if she was on a tight budget she should have checked before hand (particularly as they OP knows she could afford it, but was chosing not to, even after being warned and assuring her she could afford it)

For next week, something like "I'd like to catch up one to one with you." would do.

GoneGirl1234 · 18/05/2016 12:57

YANBU. I agree with other posters, just tell her you'd like to catch up just the two of you. Any chance you can pretend the regular foodie meet up isn't happening for a while or will she see it on Facebook etc?

I had a friend from high school who was a bit like this. She was utterly neurotic with money (her parents were extremely controlled with money, they both worked, owned their own house, had a decent car and took long vacations to visit family in Europe every year but my god, they were tight fisted with EVERYTHING else right down to sending their daughter on a school trip with packed "lunch" and no spending money ... Sounds reasonable? Not when the trip was for 3 days and she had a bag full of boiled eggs and a loaf of bread because buying food was "a waste of money").

She was happy to come out for big group meals and not order anything apart from a tap water or, if she really HAD to order something, it would be the cheapest thing on the menu and even then she would ask someone to share with her so they could "go halves" on the bill. She was a lovely girl and seemed fine with the arrangement but it did change the group dynamics and made everyone else feel a bit awkward about tucking into a three course meal and wine while she was nibbling on a half a side salad.

I'm not friends with her anymore, not over the restaurant behaviour, we just drifted apart after college.

GarlicShake · 18/05/2016 13:03

Really YANBU. I can't understand the - mercifully few - posters suggesting you and your restaurant friends should basically change the way you do things to suit one individual who wants to join the group!

It's basically a hobby of yours, isn't it? You wouldn't expect a yoga group to start knitting at their class instead, if someone wants to join but doesn't like yoga.

Figgygal · 18/05/2016 13:04

Im with the others tell her it is a work thing and though it was nice to have her the once it is not fair on the others for you to consistently bring others along.

god she sounds awful!!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/05/2016 13:05

Reply "ha, ha funny!!"

Curviest · 18/05/2016 13:06

This proves why you should ALWAYS go with your initial gut instinct!

I don't think this is a genuine question, just you wanting to vent, but I enjoyed reading it, so I am not complaining!

WakeUpFast · 18/05/2016 13:09

Yes please invite her again! She sounds hilarious!

GarlicShake · 18/05/2016 13:11

Now I've thought about it from the hobby angle, I reckon this is the part she doesn't get. To her, it was an evening out with some new friends and the setting was incidental. Could have been McDonald's or a park bench.

The better reply might be that you're glad she liked everyone, friends happy to meet her, etc, but Thursday nights are foodie night and it you can see that high-ticket meals of forrin fare just aren't her thing. Maybe say you'll ask the others if they'd like to join the pair of you for cheesy chips and wine next time you go to the pub?

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 13:15

But I think that you are coming off as a bit snobby and she might have picked up on that. Liking Malaysian cuisine or being a "foodie" doesn't make you more sophisticated imo.

Who says we're trying to be sophisticated? We're just a group of women who enjoy food and like to try everything that's out there Confused

Thank you for all of the responses so far. I'm trying to put together a tactful message. In the past I've got the feeling that she's felt slightly jealous that I socialise with these friends more than her, hence the reason she wanted to be included in the first place. I don't know, I could be wrong.

She also complains quite frequently that her other friends (who I've never met) don't include her in some activities. Maybe for similar reasons? This isn't going to end well Confused

OP posts:
Majorlyscared1993 · 18/05/2016 13:23

Well fair enough. I have friends that I share EVERYTHING with, but if I was having money trouble I wouldn't tell them. If she didn't want to spend money on alcohol thats her decision. Other than that she was unreasonable and don't invite her out with your other mates again! It would just be a painful experience

EponasWildDaughter · 18/05/2016 13:23

Skimmed thread.

''Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons ..... A) She's an extremely fussy eater, ... B) She's quite stingy, ... C) She's quiet and timid around new people.''

You have to take a hefty potion of the blame then OP, IMO. The evening was crap because she was fussy, stingy and quiet. Just as you knew she would be.

I have a friend similar to yours OP and i would not put me or her in a situation i knew would end up like this.

Just fend off any suggestions of a repeat performance.

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