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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 18/05/2016 11:55

Goodness no! Don't have her again - she nearly spoilt the evening for everyone! You could always say something like "I want you to myself for a really good chat with a dear friend, not with loads of people all together" or something. If it is such a fixed, regular and enjoyable thing for you and your colleagues (and it does sound run and lovely), you risk alienating them by altering the dynamic.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:55

Thanks for all of the responses so far.

I had a feeling I'd get flamed and be told "She's suppose to be your friend, be more understanding, she's shy" etc. I do feel slightly bad about not wanting to invite her, because I get the feeling she wants to be "one of the girls", but I don't think that is ever going to happen in this particular group.

Majorlyscared1993, trust me I know she can afford it, if she was having financial problems she'd tell me. She tells me everything from her intimate health issues to her sex life with her DP ( [BLUSH] ) She also still lives at home. Like I said, when it's just the two of us she's absolutely fine because we've known each other for so long.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 18/05/2016 11:58

Ha reminds me of when DH and I met the loony lady we bought our house from. She ranted and raved at us for daring to get a survey done, and quite literally, slammed the door in our faces.

I was quite shaken and rang the estate agent to explain everything had fallen through. "Oh X rang to say she had a good meeting with you on Saturday she is fine to proceed". DH and I were Shock

314inTheSkye · 18/05/2016 12:00

I was also thinking yuk at an adult liking fanta. These things happen. Nobody will over think it.

MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2016 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 18/05/2016 12:01

If I was your colleague I wouldn't thank you for bringing her along again.

I used to know someone similar, though not as bad, as your friend. Very tight, very fussy and would only consider eating out in one restaurant and would always order the exact same thing. She just couldn't get the idea that trying something different might be fun!
It was annoying as she liked the idea of going out for a meal with friends to socialise but wouldn't accept that a lot of us had got bloody bored of TGI Fridays and wanted to eat elsewhere. Cue the fussing and the looking down menus muttering "Oh it's terribly dear, and what if I don't like it? I just don't know if I'll like anything."
The real irony of it was that TGI's changed the recipe of her One dish and she no longer liked it!
We have since parted ways, her annoying food habits being a contributing factor to me not putting any effort into keeping the friendship going.

gingerboy1912 · 18/05/2016 12:01

Yadnbu you have different friends for different parts of your life she isn't suited to the dining out part of your social life. You can't change her and your whole Thursday night should not have to change to suit her so don't invite her again.

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 12:04

McBassyPants - This is another reason I thought I'd get flamed, I knew at some point the word "snob" would crop up. I don't believe I don't believe I'm snobbish towards her, however when I read my post back I can see how it comes across that way.

But how am I being "mean" towards her? Hmm

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 18/05/2016 12:05

I have a friend like this who would be seemingly miserable and thus make everyone else actually miserable on a similar night out.

I love her dearly but I never invite her along to other stuff any more. I feel bad about it sometimes as she could do with a wider network and more fun in her life....but she is in entirely different library let alone same page as my other groups of friends so it never works.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 18/05/2016 12:06

YWDNBU to not invite her again.

I have a little pity for her, though. She obviously has a few deep seated issues. The food pickiness is annoying for you and makes you feel uncomfortable, but no doubt not much fun for her, either, as it's so extremely restrictive when it comes to socialising. Not wanting to drink wine is fair enough. It's not compulsory.

What does stand out, though, is her lack of self awareness. Fair enough to opt to do something once, despite being given fair warning then finding out that, actually, the menu was far more overwhelming than she bargained for and really was a lot more than she'd be prepared to pay (I can afford to shell out £40-60 on dinner, but I don't because I'd rather do other things with the money - again, a fair choice, like the wine). Wanting to do it all over again is surely a triumph of hope over experience, though.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 18/05/2016 12:07

YANBU. If I was one of your colleagues I wouldn't want you bringing her again. Tell her it was okay as a one off but it's really a work thing. I can't believe she said she had a good time!

Not all friendship groups mix well. It's always ok not to mix old and new friends when you know they won't get on. I've been part of groups where there has been a very obvious difference. It never lasted and I was very much in the middle as I 'got' both sides.

shovetheholly · 18/05/2016 12:08

I totally get this. I have two kinds of friends: those I do foodie things with, and those I got to the pub and have cheap red wine and fries with. I enjoy both absolutely equally, despite the sometimes eye-watering difference in price between a night out with the former and the latter. But friends from each group wouldn't necessarily be equally comfortable in the other environment.

See her again, but somewhere she is comfortable like Wetherspoons. Definitely don't invite her along to your foodie club.

HammeringBird · 18/05/2016 12:09

This reminds me of one of DH's friends. She never seems to be enjoying herself, but always says later what a great time she had. Even DH finds her hard work, but they've been friends a long time now so we just accept that it's best to see her and her DH (who is a lot easier to get on with) as a couple rather than in a larger group.

I think icklekid's suggestion that you didn't get to catch up properly is a good one. If her friendship is important to you then you can still see her without telling her the harsh truth. And when you do see her alone, maybe see what else she says about the Malaysian restaurant night. If she keeps saying she'd like to repeat the experience, then you might have to find a way to explain that it didn't come across as though she were enjoying herself at the time.

wasonthelist · 18/05/2016 12:09

TL:DR

Saramel · 18/05/2016 12:09

Why do you need to explain anything to her. Just say you can't make the date she has suggested and offer another.

Saramel · 18/05/2016 12:09

Oops, forgot the question mark in first sentence!

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 18/05/2016 12:10

And no, I don't think you're being mean. She clearly has some wider issues with social skills, from your OP and I think it's probably kinder to meet with her in a different situation, separate from your work mates.

deepdarkwood · 18/05/2016 12:11

I think you need to be kind, but knock future meet-ups with your work gang on the head - it's going to spoil the night for everyone.

I'd personally say that it was fun as a one off (I know...) but that usually you talk work/office politics a lot, and it would be boring for her - or mean that other people have to avoid taking work, which would be frustrating for them. And that you'd much rather do something that the two of you enjoy - and maybe see if any of your work friends want to join you? (You can ask - or not - and they can decline!)

Queenbean · 18/05/2016 12:12

I have a friend like this. She will literally only eat plain bread, plain pasta, pizza without any toppings apart from cheese.

We have been to several restaurants and countries the world over and she will still only order those things. It is bizarre. She is lovely but it's really tiring to go to a restaurant, ask for the plain whatever it is and then be annoyed when it comes out slightly different than she wants. She also pulls everything apart and makes sandwiches out of things, adds extra cheese and ketchup to everything etc. It's like dining with a 5 year old.

nobilityobliges · 18/05/2016 12:13

I'm surprised at all these reactions! I think you're being unreasonable.

So her sins are
(1) ordering tap water and saying she can't afford to drink
(2) ordering off menu
(3) paying only for what she had and worrying about 70p change
(4) suggesting bringing in coffee from next door
(5) not tipping
(6) being quiet and not good banter

I think you're being completely precious about (1) and (2) - there is nothing awkward about saying you're ordering tap water to save money.

(3) paying for what she had is obviously fine (and it would have been rude if you'd tried to get her to split it!). Yes, worrying about change is a bit awkward, but not I can't bear to have you around awkward imo.

(4) The suggesting bringing in coffee thing... did anyone actually point out that the restaurant would have probably made her a European style coffee? And if she wanted this and they couldn't make it for her I don't see what the harm would have been in asking to bring it in. You'd ordered quite a lot, they might have been fine with it - I don't see what the harm would have been in asking. I can definitely see that she might have felt a bit "told off" if someone she doesn't know well just told her that this was inappropriate rather than saying let's see what the restaurant can make you or let's ask the waiter if that would be ok.

(5) not tipping is shit.

(6) Being quiet... I'm torn about this. She probably wasn't meaning to be un-fun or un-friendly. If she's a generally quiet person, it's extra hard to shine in a group of people who know each other. I'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt, especially as she obviously had a nice evening. Are you 100% sure your colleagues didn't like her?

So tbh I think the only things you have a right to be pissed off about are the lack of tip and possibly the nit-picking over change. And maybe her quietness if you think she could have made more of an effort in the circumstances.

But I think that you are coming off as a bit snobby and she might have picked up on that. Liking Malaysian cuisine or being a "foodie" doesn't make you more sophisticated imo.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 12:13

What magicstar1 said, that's the most diplomatic way of telling your friend that she will join your colleagues again, when Hell freezes over. Shock

She sounds very difficult. I can't imagine why she invited herself anyway when she's not comfortable with people she doesn't know.

26milesofsmiles · 18/05/2016 12:13

A "shy" person wouldn't make that kind of fuss at a meal out. About Every Single Thing.

Agree with poster above. Say you want to go out just the two of you as you didn't feel you could catch up with her properly with a big group.

blueskyinmarch · 18/05/2016 12:14

Do the shit sandwich. Firstly tell her it was great to see her and you are glad she had a good time. Then tell her that the rest of the group felt it was a little awkward having someone else there when it was usually a work group and that the consensus is that the Thursday group should just be the work group. Finally tell her you are looking forward to catching up with her on a one-one soon.

McBassyPants · 18/05/2016 12:16

Sorry, maybe mean is the wrong word. It id very critical of her. But you know her and know what she's like, thsts just her and obviously you are friends with her for a reason. I'm not 'flaming' you at all, I just feel a little sorry for your friend. It's not her fault she doesn't fit in with your work group. I think it was good of her to try (and of you to let her of course). I didn't work out (ands you suspected) so.dont do it again. I just don't think you needed to have been so overly critical of your long term friend

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/05/2016 12:18

I think I'd try to tactfully put her off.

"Friend, the reason work colleagues arrange these outings is not just to socialise but to try to the wine, enjoy the food and not worry about cost. I got the impression that you were concerned about the cost and also not that keen on the food, so I think maybe we should just go out by ourselves at such and such time and date. Hope you can make it then!"

If she replies 'Oh no, it was fine!' just ignore it and breezily push on with your suggested time/place above.

Hopefully she'll get the hint.

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