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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
JustanotherKaren · 20/05/2016 12:55

Saucyjack - "If she's anything like my mother....etc". I'd say we must have the same mother (only I don't have a sister ....) Weirdly, some people just love to feel hard done by and are best left to stew in their own juice....
Elena567 of course YANBU. Just not sure why you and the unadventurous, anti social, tight fisted one are still firm friends!
...

squidgyapple · 20/05/2016 12:58

Oh dear, she does sound like hard work and her own worst enemy! It seems she (and you) would be happier just going out as the two of you to somewhere where she would like the food and not feel it is overpriced.

It sounds like you've been v patient with her over the years and that she doesn't realise or appreciate this.

I have family members like this - we go out for a celebratory meal, they moan about the food, the cost of it, the service and I think oh dear, that was a disaster... and then the next big birthday comes around and they sound really keen to do it all again.

QueenofallIsee · 20/05/2016 13:00

OP, I have read the thread and I genuinely do not see how this person could ever be described as lovely. She is self involved, lacks manners and has an overwhelming sense of entitlement. You do not have to justify yourself at all..seriously don't let her pull you further into the conversation, she has no interest in anyones elses point of view so its not worth going over it anymore

ceebie · 20/05/2016 13:19

Text back, "Well you didn't enjoy the meal, you didn't enjoy the company... why on earth are you pestering me to do it all again???"

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 20/05/2016 13:38

It doesn't matter what you say. She's going to have a comeback for everything.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/05/2016 13:45

If you want there to be a chance of the friendship surviving you need to talk this over with her in person. No more messages but a face to face chat. So much gets lost in messages back and forth that it's a recipe for escalating disagreements to the point where they can never be fixed.

Or you could just drop her and never look back.

GabsAlot · 20/05/2016 13:51

i think you should just slowly stop talking to her-or maybe give her one more chance but alone-i dont know how close you are so not for me to say i guess

OT but what food did u all try last night?

EponasWildDaughter · 20/05/2016 13:56

You and she are clearly at loggerheads over so many issues. It's not a friendship any more if you have to twist yourself in knots to accommodate each other. It's not worth it either.

I think you would be forgiven for allowing this old friendship to just die a death now OP.

diddl · 20/05/2016 14:08

"And I don't have to get involved in a conversation when I don't want to. "

Well that's true, but generally you'd just make the appropriate noises to be polite, wouldn't you?

She's not giving up at all!

MooPointCowsOpinion · 20/05/2016 14:25

Text back, "Well you didn't enjoy the meal, you didn't enjoy the company... why on earth are you pestering me to do it all again???"
Ceebies got it, clearly the evening was below her, so she shouldn't have to lower herself to it again.

Stardust160 · 20/05/2016 14:48

Wow she's fails to get it. Her attitude totally drags the mood down for everyone else. I agree with the PP about saying if you didn't enjoy it why do you want to come but I think the best thing is to disengage leave it a week or so and if you want arrange something just you to them so it. Sounds like you will be forever in circles until you a) give in and allow her to comment putting a drowner on the experience for everyone in resulting in you been invited or b) you lose your friendship.

Do you not have mutal friends from school that you could organise something?

Sometimes when mixing groups ppl don't click. Sometimes after a while you realise you don't click with that person anymore either.

Pepperpot99 · 20/05/2016 15:32

Even my ten year old knows who Donald Trump is. And also knows he is a massive Knob.

TBH I think your 'friend' is spoilt, selfish and completely incapable of reading social situations.

Also she is wrong about tap water being free - only licensed establishments are required to serve it gratis, and they are allowed to charge for the use of the glass.

All in all, it's not looking good for the future, OP, is it? Grin I'd cut my losses if I was you.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 20/05/2016 16:19

Urrk, what a nightmare. Starting to wonder if I know this person apart from the art bit!

I do hope you manage to extricate yourself from her coming to the meal, but maybe you can do something un-food related all together at some point? Like theatre or cinema trip?

Can't understand why anyone would think it's ok to go and get a drink elsewhere tbh.

fatmomma99 · 20/05/2016 17:20

I'm Shock Shock Shock at the friend, but think you sound very lovely Elena, and I'm very envious of your Thursday evenings - they sound great. I wonder if it's the IDEA of them your friend is so keen to piggy-back on (despite the fact she liked neither the food nor the company)? And she's right that she doesn't HAVE to tip, but I disagree with her reason for not tipping - it's not about whether you've enjoyed the food or not, tipping is more about the service you recieve, and as she ordered off-menu and they accommodated her, I would have tipped in her place.

People up thread have wondered if she's on the spectrum in some form. I wouldn't know about that, and wouldn't like to comment, but she DOES sound like someone with way too much time on her hands. Too much time for pondering, dwelling on things. Too much time, so is blowing things up in her mind.

I wish you luck with your friendship with her going forward, if you want to keep maintaining it.

TheNotoriousPMT · 20/05/2016 18:05

She might or might not be on the spectrum; only a psychologist who's met her could tell us that (if they were prepared to breach confidentiality).

It doesn't really matter though - spectrum or not, she is a terrible restaurant guest. If she continues to join the group and ruin their evenings out, people will just stop going. There won't be a group for her to join.

If the OP is accurate about this woman being lovely outside of restaurants, then fair play, see her one-to-one. But I agree with pp that it sounds like the friendship might be past its time.

CarolH78 · 20/05/2016 18:51

"Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in?"

Hmm I mean, fair enough if they were discussing work all evening but holidays and Donald Trump?! If you insert yourself into someone else's group of friends for a night out, the least you can do is make an effort to fit in with them. Expecting them to fit in with you is self-centred and entitled. But then she does sound pretty self-absorbed.

"Wow, there's been a lot of responses since my last post, wasn't expecting the thread to be this popular!"

I think you touched a familiar nerve for a lot of people, OP! Grin

I've had one or two slightly awkward friends who I've drifted from for that reason but nothing on this scale. Even DH's super-awkward friend didn't try to guilt trip people for pointing out his social faux-pases (fauxes-pas?).

Even early on in your message exchange, when you were both still being friendlier, she asked if you had "put the idea in their heads" not to want her to attend. That's a nasty thing to say. Are you sure you want to be friends with someone who would accuse you of that? That's not just social ineptitude, that's quite mean and manipulative.

I would vote for saying "glad that's sorted" but have a feeling she'll reply with "no it's not sorted because x, y, z..." Grin so I'd go with pp's suggestion of "so you didn't like the food, service, conversation or company - why on earth do you want to repeat the experience?"

If it was me because I'm a coward I'd send a non-committal message along the lines of "sorry you feel that way, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree :)" and then leave her to it.

BuggersMuddle · 20/05/2016 20:12

One of the areas where I am an utter snob, is an unwillingness to discuss current affairs. Not necessarily detailed politics, because that can be delicate, but what's currently in the news etc. Donald Trump is definitely in the news and IME most sane people left of right think he'd be fucking disaster as president-

What does she talk about OP? She works on her art (great, but that's 1 person, presumably). She doesn't know who Donald Trump is Hmm, doesn't / can't travel, doesn't like new food experiences. I'm hoping you're going to say you're both really into obscure French film or Indie music, because tbh she sounds really insular and self-absorbed. Does she ask you about your work or do you end up talking up here (or 'drama' topics like relationship problems)?

I have a couple of old friends who are artists and yes, we live totally different lifestyles (I work in FS), but we all read the news, watch films, read books, go to new restaurants etc. Conversation flows and we just avoid discussing our individual thoughts on Jeremy Corbyn Wink

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/05/2016 20:44

And I don't have to get involved in a conversation when I don't want to.

Grin

No, but since that - and the food - is the entire point of the evening, why on earth does she want to repeat it?!

I'd leave it now. Nothing you're saying is getting though to her. If she does raise it before your next meet-up just text back ceebie's response.

And if she tries AGAIN, it's time for a big, fat one-word No.

AddToBasket · 20/05/2016 21:02

It's not demanding a high level of sophistication to know who Donald Trump is and that you can't bring in take-away coffee.

OP, you have been lovely to her but unless you have all the time in the world, do you really want to spend your time dealing with this? As someone said upthread, everyone has a needy friend but she seems very high input.

GipsyDanger · 20/05/2016 21:04

#coffeegate

Waltermittythesequel · 20/05/2016 21:10

Ah, fuck that.

I would drop her from a height.

PrincessFiorimonde · 21/05/2016 06:41

The more you say about your friend, the more she sounds quite rude, if not aggressive, rather than shy. You say you've been friends for years, but honestly she doesn't really sound like much of a friend.

flumpybear · 21/05/2016 08:52

She clearly doesn't share your groups interest in food and wine so I'd tell her that it's not her thing and perhaps you could meet her another evening with more like minded friends - but very awkward, should have gone with your gut feeling, hindsight is a wonderful thing

hollyisalovelyname · 21/05/2016 09:56

What I don't get is why you still meet up with her.

BadLad · 21/05/2016 10:57

They probably won't meet up much more - that exchange of texts makes me think this friendship is on its last legs.