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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2016 20:02

YANBU. But it is not uninviting her, it is *not inviting her. This is a regular thing for you and your work colleagues. I'd just say her joining was a one-off but it was for work people and you'd rather see her another night.

She sounds like she may be lonely, so why not find a place you can go together and enjoy, not too pricey, her type of food, and enjoy two comfortable meals out instead of one strained and unhappy. Not read all the comments.... sorry Wink (PS I go out with colleagues sometimes, lots of work talk and also feminist rants, (who knew) and spicy food, I would not invite anyone else as it is our thing.

blankmind · 19/05/2016 20:02

I think she's very lacking in social skills. Maybe you can help her OP?
This site may give you some ideas of how to explain things when she's not aware that she's so far off base. The second half of this page seems pretty apt. www.succeedsocially.com/notinterested

gabbyevs · 19/05/2016 20:06

also i think your foodie nights sound great id love to do that if i had the money

Woolyheads · 19/05/2016 20:17

I really think you are not being a very good friend. You don't seem to be appreciating her for her, how she is, but more worried how others might view her. And the way you write it they sound vain and shallow. I think she should find better friends.

BeagBoo · 19/05/2016 20:22

Are you the friend woolyheads? What's to appreciate in this scenario? Her rudeness, lack of consideration, guiltng the OP?

Gide · 19/05/2016 20:30

YANBU. I'm going to say she's not on the spectrum, those who are generally do want to do the right thing. This yoke just sounds entitled and obtuse. Maybe she wants to make new friends-bit desperate to say your colleagues should have a say!

I wouldn't offer to go out with her again full stop, she sounds like a trauma. You don't have to be her friend, I don't think I could be hers, I'm not a charity, having to be nice. Either you like and get on with someone or you don't.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 19/05/2016 20:33

OP I for one dont think you are at all shallow.
Your friend has made unreasonable demands regarding food and drink.
She knew the score but chose to join this group regardless.
I for one loathe sport.
I would never for one minute invite myself along to a sporting event and expect preferential treatment to accommodate my dislike of sport.
I think the " friend" rather enjoys the attention of being a fussy diner and all the extra effort and discomfort that it creates
Most people are not like that.
OP, let your friend find her own entertainment elsewhere.
.

gabbyevs · 19/05/2016 20:36

how are her friends vain wollyheads?

because someone wouldnt tip and wanted something not on the menu?

Andylion · 19/05/2016 20:52

Friend: I was quiet because you were all talking about holidays and travelling and I haven't been abroad since school. Then you started talking about Donald Trump who I know nothing about. Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in?
If OP's friends had talked only about work, that would have been them not making an effort. But they talked about travel, a very general subject, and Trump. Most people have heard about him and have some sort of an opinion.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/05/2016 20:59

Wow, that really sounds fun Hmm. You sound very reasonable to me. I think the only thing you did wrong was listening to her in the first place. You obviously know your gut instinct was right and must be rather annoying she didn't listen to you.

neveradullmoment75 · 19/05/2016 20:59

YANBU - she was being rude and sticking out like a sore thumb. When you join company, you make an effort. She made zero effort and making a fuss over the food, water and the cost of things, oh dear. Its not you.

GarlicShake · 19/05/2016 21:00

If you the friend finds the dining club pals 'vain' and 'shallow', why try and bully OP into another invite? Shouldn't you the friend seek more meaningful company elsewhere?

GarlicShake · 19/05/2016 21:01

sorry, that was to woolyheads.

Mrsleighdelamare · 19/05/2016 21:01

I think the " friend" rather enjoys the attention of being a fussy diner and all the extra effort and discomfort that it creates.

Yep.

SandyMcSandface · 19/05/2016 21:07

Tell friends she is coming next time. They won't turn up, she will, job done.

I don't know what is kind OP. Yes, maybe invite them to cheesy chips, seriously.

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/05/2016 21:18

I think she should find better friends.

I agree Wooly. That would be a perfect solution, she gets to inflict her own brand of misery on someone else and the OP can carry on being perfectly reasonable.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 19/05/2016 21:19

I'm fairly sure I'm on the spectrum and am a stickler for rules. No way would I dream of taking another drink into somewhere else. I get paranoid about taking my kids water bottles in soft play where there are signs saying you can't take your own food and drink in. I also would have quite possibly got the message when the offer to come again wasn't taken. Some people are just thick skinned and think if they keep on enough they will get their way. She sounds obtuse tbh.

SabineUndine · 19/05/2016 21:21

I do wonder if this isn't just complicated attention seeking? Eating out with my mother is a nightmare, because she makes a point of being picky. She does it to focus attention on herself and it's maddening.

runnerselbow · 19/05/2016 21:22

Lol omg she sounds like a nightmare. How rude of her. Yeah just tell her it's a work thing and or some other excuse.

a1poshpaws · 19/05/2016 21:32

She sounds like a nightmare with an emotional intelligence score of 0 out of 10. It would be unfair to your other friends to subject them to her again. Are you just friends with her because of habit? She doesn't really sound at all worth keeping up with - life's too short to burden yourself with everyone else's hangups, and she sounds a mean spirited little diva to me.

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/05/2016 21:34

I have visions of the OP sitting in Wimpy tonight with her friend and some very pissed off colleagues...Grin

myusernamewastaken · 19/05/2016 21:43

She sounds like a nightmare....i do not understand why you just dont tell her about future nights out....no awkward confrontations etc....on another note i think it is a real faux pas to order tap water when out...have orange juice...coke...asking for tap water screams cheapskate x

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/05/2016 21:59

Be careful. Be careful it sounds like you're dealing with a manipulative person. I've learnt the hard way people like this generally just want their own way and are unreasonable and selfish. They don't really care about anyone but themselves.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/05/2016 21:59

Whoops too many be carefuls!

AddToBasket · 19/05/2016 22:09

She's manipulative and self-absorbed and a total drama queen. At 31, I suspect she DOES know how to behave in a restaurant.

She's jealous. She behaved like that because she wants you all to herself, or failing which, she wants the friends you have too. She's lashing out at you because she knows you have patience with her and a long history, which will mean you will be too polite to call her on it all.

I'm not a bit fan of confrontation so I probably would go with a 'glad that's sorted' response... Except, in this case, I think there's a chance it could enrage her and she might start causing trouble/awkwardness with your colleagues. She's selfish and destructive and given how she behaved, you already know she has no regard for your position with your colleagues.

I think it might be easier to diffuse it with something like. 'Thanks, I appreciate that, I'm so glad you understand. Do you want to go to the cinema (date in future)?'

And then work on fazing her out of your life.