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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

415 replies

Elena567 · 18/05/2016 11:36

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! Hmm Confused My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her Blush She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 19/05/2016 18:12

Tell her you have died of food poisoning😂

Naicehamshop · 19/05/2016 18:17

Some of the comments on here are quite unpleasant and aggressive - enjoyingthepeace Sad
It sounds to me as if she is definitely on the spectrum. I too have a similar friend who I've known since the first day of primary school, many years ago. It's gradually dawned on me that she really doesn't know how to behave in social situations. You need to decide if you want to keep her in your life, but try to deal with her in a reasonably pleasant way - I really don't think she is deliberately being difficult. You are doing well so far - well done!

DinosaursRoar · 19/05/2016 18:24

OP - if you met her now, would you be interested in being her friend?

It does sound like you've rather outgrown her and are friends because of your shared history, not because of shared interests or outlooks right now.

Do you have DCs? I had friends like this who were great when we were at school but seemed to 'fail to launch' into adulthood. It was ok to keep in touch through my 20s, but by 30, I was married, moving out of London (a fun location for friends to visit) to home counties, having a baby, careers had started to get more responsibilities as well as more money (which was off set previously by them living at home so had similar spending levels). Suddenly, it felt like a lot of work to keep them part of my life when my free time was so limited. Drifted to Christmas card exchanges. (The lack of a London based spare room seems to have reduced the interest in visiting TBH)

I don't know why some people don't make it passed the teenage mindset, but it's ok to acknowledge they were the right friend for you once but now aren't. If you keep her in your life as a friend, it will have to be with limits, which is sad.

SandyMcSandface · 19/05/2016 18:30

Marking place. What a nightmare!

Louisee82 · 19/05/2016 18:36

I once had someone pull a calculator out her bag in a busy restaurant to work out what she had had to sort the bill out. Very embarrassing. Obviously your friend doesn't know restaurant etiquette. If she was that skint she shouldn't have gone.
Don't do it to yourself again!!

Bellasima20 · 19/05/2016 18:36

Totally thought same as DinosaursRoar. You seem to have outgrown each other, moved in totally different directions, developed different interests,passions as well as friends and values.

If I had a friend who behaved like this and then got so petty and defensive I'd let that friendship fade. As well as having the fear of being seriously embarrassed whenever she might meet another of my friends and turn a night like this into a bit of a nightmare where you are on edge the whole time waiting for the next issue to crop up. She sounds about 10 years old in her behaviour and needs to grow up. I might give one last go in highlighting everything even more bluntly so she might grasp it, but if she refused, I'd let the friendship go.

kathyjoy · 19/05/2016 18:37

Since my last post I came with an idea - perhaps the two of you can come up with an activity you both do exclusively that she likes. It sounds like she's just feeling left out - give her a sense of purpose - you're not just meeting to catch up but to do something awesome together. You seem like you know her quite well - look online for something that you'll both enjoy.

DinosaursRoar · 19/05/2016 18:38

actually thinking about it further, when I was in my 20s, there were a lot of people who had "that friend" - the one that was the problem. The one who drank too much and would start a fight, so had to be watched. Or the one who had no social skills. Or the one who was a drama queen. A friend who had to be managed in some way in a social environment. A friend you had to apologise for or monitor on a night out, particularly with a group who didn't know them well enough to know they were the problem one.

Now in my 30s, few people seem to have 'that' friend any more, or at least they aren't at parties/invited on group nights out. There's still angst about dealing with difficult family members, but friends seem to have either outgrown it and are no longer an issue (lots of DH's old rugby mates who were frankly libabilities on a night out in their early 20s are now sensible and great company in their early 40s), or have been dropped as a friend that is invited to join in company.

Assuming as she's a school friend you are also 31, OP, you might just be on the cusp of this, it's now a case you see her alone or not at all. As you get older and your free time reduces, the 'not at all' becomes more likely as it's not sounding like she's going to grow up any time soon.

pteradactyl · 19/05/2016 18:39

I'm quite socially awkward at times so I do feel for your friend. Sometimes things just fall out of my mouth that I do afterwards think oops maybe shouldn't have said that, but by then it's a bit late to backtrack. For example I would quite possibly have said the can't afford it thing, thought oh crap....but then where can you go with it? Sorry I meant I just don't fancy drinking? I can assure you it is no fun whatsoever being that type of person in a social situation. And with people I don't know well, it's even more likely to slip out die to being a bit nervous.i could see a lot of me in what you said and reading the responses made me a bit Hmm at what people may think of me.
Having said that, I would not have enjoyed it. Although possibly in a bid to be less socially awkward and expand my horizons a bit I might persevere with a repeat invitation to try and change this, although personally I don't think I would have.
I can also imagine being a bit offended by your work colleagues reaction to the coffee thing, so might have carried on regardless with it anyway.
There again, all this said, I don't think you are being unreasonable not to ask her again as it was obviously not fun for anyone else and so you can't be expected to ruin everyone else's night. Just maybe put a bit more thought into how it wss for your friend. Maybe she is completely on another planet, we cant all help it

murasaki · 19/05/2016 18:39

I hope as it's Thursday, the OP is out enjoying fine food without this person.

kathyjoy · 19/05/2016 18:43

Oh and on a related note (some other people have mentioned it too) your friend sounds EXACTLY like my brother in law who has Aspergers - he literally cannot perceive that he is breaking social protocal - he doesn't understand it. I've known my BIL since he was a kid. I mean he's getting better because he's getting help but issues like these can often go undiagnosed because people just assume the suffers are eccentric or complete selfish a-holes when the truth is their brain is wired differently and they literally cannot help it. I don't know how to broach the subject with her it can come across a little like a personal attack. I suppose you know your friend well enough to know.

Marmalade85 · 19/05/2016 18:44

YABU for describing yourself as a 'foodie'

summerstorm · 19/05/2016 18:47

I have a few different groups of friends. Some of them can mix but there are three individuals that come to mind that just don't get on for a variety of reasons. I have to be careful when including them. Christmas can be a nightmare because everyone likes to get together for either lunch or dinner. I would never do it as a regular weekly thing

Redken24 · 19/05/2016 18:48

sounds like she is on purpose not taking the hint

Asprilla11 · 19/05/2016 18:49

I can see her friend finding 'Kate' on FB and saying;

"Elena567 said you don't like me and I was wrong about wanting to bring a coffee in, why are you so rude?"

YouTheCat · 19/05/2016 18:57

My dd is an aspie. No way would she behave like this. She is very concerned about following the 'rules' even if she doesn't always get them. I often let my mouth go roaring ahead before engaging my brain but I'd have the good grace to apologise and not lay the blame for a crap evening at everyone else's feet.

The fact that things have been explained and that the woman didn't have much of a fun evening just makes her sound very pig headed and immature.

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/05/2016 19:03

I don't think trying to diagnose someone you've never met over the internet is ever a good idea. Especially when the OP has gone above and beyond in an attempt to treat her friend with consideration...

MooPointCowsOpinion · 19/05/2016 19:16

Urgh she's hard work isn't she.

So what did you reply?

I'm approaching 30 and these 'difficult' friends are falling by the wayside, I'm too busy for difficult friendships.

Also agree with pp who said she's trying to Wendy you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/05/2016 19:21

sounds like she is on purpose not taking the hint

^^
This.

Is there a reason that might be the case?

gabbyevs · 19/05/2016 19:29

she sounds terrible trying to blame u for not wanting her to make new friends?

very passive agressive which is worse as they try and push all the guilt on you and play the victim

i dont mind people paying their own share for their dinner if theyve had less nor if they dont want to drink alcohol but this is something else

please warn your work friends not to converse with her

also do you really want to be friends with someone who wants to make you feel like youre the bitch

PiecesOfCake · 19/05/2016 19:39

After all of that to and fro, it would be over for me.

Unless your one-to-one evenings out are occasions that you look forward to immensely I would drop this "friendship".

PiecesOfCake · 19/05/2016 19:40

oh, and YY to

please warn your work friends not to converse with her

AnUtterIdiot · 19/05/2016 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameUsed · 19/05/2016 20:00

"YABU for describing yourself as a 'foodie'"

I have no issue with this. I enjoy good food and visit food festivals, like eating and cooking different cuisines etc.

LizzyELane · 19/05/2016 20:02

Some people seem to be wired differently in their brains. A best friend at school who was an only child and lived just with her mother, arranged to go on holiday with me at age 16, back in the 80s you sent holiday bookings off by post as no internet. I was asked by the mother to pay 7 1/2 pence as my half of the stamp!! What ?!! I now have a good friend who will do me a favour for me and my DD, but always on the understanding the favour has to be returned. I find that weird!

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