to be a bit embarrassed by friend in restaurant?

[Elena567]

I have a feeling I might get flamed for this.

Every Thursday after work me and a few friends from the office try a different restaurant each week. All of us are foodies, we like to dine out and try different cuisines, and have a few glasses of wine etc.

Last week however I'd planned to give it a miss because an old friend of mine, who I know from my home town since our teens, was meeting me after work. I work in a major city so the plan was to show her sights and have dinner/drinks just the two of us. My old friend knows how I usually spend my Thursday evenings, and when she arrived she said she'd like to meet my friends at work and tag along. Instantly, I felt this wouldn't be a good idea for a few reasons.

A) She's an extremely fussy eater, I'm not over exaggerating, there's only a handful of dishes she'd be prepared to eat. She isn't very open minded about trying different cuisines, the most "exotic" food she has eaten is probably a pizza. My friends were going to a Malaysian place that night, and knew she'd turn her nose up at it.

B) She's quite stingy. Whenever I've gone out for something to eat with her before, it's always been at this one pub in our hometown, she won't go to the other because the Fanta there is £1 dearer (seriously). She thinks dining out in general is a waste of money. Malaysian restaurant is quite expensive.

C) She's quiet and timid around new people. She's absolutely fine with me when it's just us, but that's only because we have known each other since secondary school. My friends at work are a lot more talkative and opinionated. With the best will in the world, I just felt like she wouldn't fit in well.

I told her they were eating at said restaurant tonight and subtly mentioned it was quite expensive. That was met with a "Oh well I'm sure they'll be something on the menu I'd eat". I wasn't sure what else to say at that point, so went along with it.

We get there, quick introductions and start to order drinks. We all decide to share a few bottles of wine. My colleague asks my friend what sort of wine she's likes. Friend just orders tap water and says "Oh I'm not drinking tonight I can't afford it". Awkward. She can afford it she's just ridiculously tight with money, the bottles on the menu were reasonably priced. I brushed it over and told her not to worry about it I'd cover it, but she decided to stick to tap water. Menu's arrive and she turns her nose up at everything, complains that all the dishes look too 'complicated' or expensive. In the end she asked the waiter for a simple vegetable dish (that wasn't on the menu) with no spices.

The food arrives, we're all drinking wine and trying each others dishes in a tapas style set up, while she's sat there with her tap water and pushing her vegetables around with her fork, not really engaging. In the end she left half her food. My colleagues tried to bring her out her shell, but she wasn't talking much, and when she did she was very quiet. I think they were beginning to find her hard work.

At the end of the meal we all fancied some coffee, all of which was Asian style. My old friend wanted 'normal' coffee, and said if everyone else was getting coffee there she'd go the supermarket next door and get a takeaway one from the machine and bring it back! My colleague told her in the politest way that the restaurant might have an issue with someone consuming drinks that weren't bought on the premises. My friend just pouted at my colleague then looked back down on the menu and tutted. At this point there's a lot of tension and my colleague looks to the rest of us as if to say "What did I say that was so wrong?"

We'd usually split the bill equally but she decided to only put down what she'd spent (fair enough, she'd ordered a lot less than us and didn't drink). But she counted everything down to the last penny, and she asked how she'd go about getting her 70p change, as she only had notes and £1 coins on her She also didn't contribute to the tip because she didn't like the food.

This morning I've received a Facebook message from her saying that last week was fun and that we should all do it again the week after next! Fun? She was difficult all night and barely said a word. It didn't look like she was having fun to me.

AIBU to not invite her again?

**phasing even! (although, you could faze her too).

I have just read more, the last answer to OP especially. I've changed my mind. This woman actually sounds like a silly child. I can see you'll get nowhere with this if you're nice. You need to say, no, they're not interested in having you come out to eat again sorry, the reason is they found you rude and embarrassing and so did I, because of the way you refused wine, asked for special food and refused to thank the staff by tipping and to think it's ok to bring a drink in a paper cup from a cafe when you could have probably got one there, it's bad manners to behave like this and to behave like this in a restaurant, saving a couple of pounds is not more important than having good manners, making an effort to join in and be nice and follow social etiquette. I've tried explaining, but you don't seem to want to listen. If that's how you usually behave in groups that's why you probably aren't getting invited again.

Woolly You completely miss the point the the OP actually does appreciate the friend for herself. Which is why she prefers to spend one on one time with her friend and regrets the day she went against her own better judgement and took friend along with this group meal. Which resulted in misery for all.

Unfortunately the friends manipulations and belligerence regarding a group of people she is trying to blindly force her way into, disregarding the op's feelings about the matter, means she just may well be losing someone who has kept the friendship going, despite many the many difficulties this "friend" keeps presenting.

Friend: I was quiet because you were all talking about holidays and travelling and I haven't been abroad since school. Then you started talking about Donald Trump who I know nothing about. Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in?

This would be a valid point IF you had all been giggling about Brian from accounting's tie collection or reminiscing about the team away day when Julie got pissed and fell into the ornamental fish pond.

But you weren't. You were talking about very normal dinner party topics. Does she take pride in the fact that she hasn't travelled as an adult, or that she doesn't know who Donald Trump is (seriously?!)?

You've tried. I would back right off now. Just because somebody has been a friend for a long time doesn't give them a pass to behave like a spoilt child. You wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else.

She sounds very isolated (at least).

It is very very unusual to make a living out of 'art'. Even worse, you refer to it as her hobby. It is not usual to make money from a hobby, either; but more likely than making money from 'art'.

So she's in a rarified mindset that she has something special or unique that the world is going to pay for the privilege or treat of having it in their lives. So far so off kilter (has she been to art school?). She may have confused her talent with herself, that she is also a treat with hidden depths if people have the insight.

I feel bad writing that, it seems cruel.

Prolonged isolation can also obliterate basic social awareness.

Extraordinary girl. I'd leave it OP and in a week or so, if you want to, arrange a drink with just her.

Could I suggest perhaps inviting her to an arty thing? A gallery or exhibition and having afternoon tea on a weekend with her. Something she might enjoy and tell her your colleagues hate art and it's just for you two to enjoy together (not sure how much you like art?).

And explain that the next few dinner outings are to restaurants with obscure cuisine that she most likely would not eat. I don't know, Tibetan, Yemeni, Mongolian, Finnish, Albanian.... (don't flame me if these are normal fare for some!) You could throw in some perceived food horrors for her: sheep's eyes, monkey testicles, hot hot spices, raw meat, rodent burgers (that your friends are all dying to try). I'm getting carried away now. But think I'm a Celebrity food challenge style...

And you could say that your colleagues are too polite to say so to her face, but they don't really think she fits in. That way, you get out of being the bad guy.

HTH

Tell her that in fact your friends are really into off limits exotic meats but that they made an exception for her last time. Your next 'experience' will be at a new monkey meat sushi restaurant where the speciality is remarkably good - a live monkey brain finger dip, which is quite bland but always washed down with saki to avoid possible cross-specie contamination. Tell her that your friends would love to see her there.

I wonder if perhaps there's some other reason for her request? Perhaps she's lonely - a tad jealous of how popular you and your foodie evenings are maybe? She might be trying to tap into this 'fun' element a bit and try to gradually bring herself out of her shell??

Like this?

Ha 4roseycheeks

Great minds n all......

Oops. Thought monkey brains was the last post.

Just a thought. You have it BadLad.

You are too nice . But wow, she is hardwork!

If you can't be bothered anymore, just sent a message like:

"I value our friendship and would like to move on from this. How about a movie next Saturday's afternoon? Just the two of us like old times :) "

Hopefully she will move on from there . If she is still grudging about wanting to be part of your 'social life', may be it is time to move on....... it's sad but you have better thing to worry in your life

Very, very needy person OP. I never travelled much before I met DH but it's easy to say "Oh, I've never been there. Always wanted to though, what's it like? Any tips if I ever get the chance to go there?" Or "You know, I'm ashamed to say I'm not very up to date on Donald Trump, what's he been saying?"

People loved to be listened to so asking someone a question like that would have made it a much more fun evening for her. She obviously didn't want to make the effort or wants you to do it all for her - which in a thirty something is ridiculous.

Your work colleagues aren't to know she's not travelled much or doesn't know much about Donald Trump if she doesn't bite the bullet and tell them that! What's she expecting - a group of amateur mind readers?

I think you need to decide if you want her in your life now. As a few people have said, friendships change and last or drift on and off or die. That's life.

If you do want her in your life you can't let her become a permanent fixture in your Thursday nights out with your work friends. She will kill that dead or fragment the group because the group, as it stands, doesn't work for her. If she becomes a full time member one or two people will like her or feel sorry for her and others won't. It will completely change the dynamics of the group - she has nothing in common with the rest of the members. She doesn't even work for the company!

And I am sorry, a thirty something who doesn't realise that most restaurants will be incredulous if you ask to 'nip out and get a coffee from next door and bring it back!' Who the hell allows another café/restaurant/takeaway to advertise in their establishment? Because no coffee house I know will put the coffee in a plain cup for you to take out. So you walk back into a restaurant with 'Starbucks' emblazoned on your cup - what signal does that send out to the people around you who are about to order their coffee? That the restaurant's coffee stinks, that's what it says!

That's why you see signs like "only food and drink purchased here can be consumed at these tables" in pubs etc. If you are eating at a restaurant that serves food or drink you've never tried before you check it out - not pull a face because you can't order beans and chips (or whatever).

I think your friend hasn't matured at quite the same rate as you have OP - some people stay teenagers all their lives (and not always in a good way)

I'd have to be blunt but polite in a text or call and say something like "I want to keep my work colleague nights as just that - work colleagues only - so I am happy to see you separately but going out as a group is not going to happen" and keep saying no if she insists on coming with you. What can she do? Turn up at a restaurant? Hardly likely unless she follows you and that's a totally different ball game then...

I have visions of the OP sitting in Wimpy tonight with her friend and some very pissed off colleagues

No Wimpys for us last night! We had a lovely night, and my friend didn't randomly show up which was a relief! It was the week after next she was suggesting.

Wow, there's been a lot of responses since my last post, wasn't expecting the thread to be this popular! Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I'll try to answer a few questions to clear things up....

Elena - can I ask if any of your friends have accepted her friend request on FB? If they haven't, and might be considering it, I think I would do as other posters have suggested, and warn them what she's up to.

She actually added the 2 colleagues last Friday the day after we went out, they accepted out of politeness, I knew this at the time. But I found out yesterday over dinner that she'd messaged one of them that day (not the one she pouted at). This girl works on the floor below me (It's quite a big company) so I don't see her as much as the others. I asked if she wouldn't mind showing me the message- it was the same one she sent me on Wednesday about having a good time and wanting to do it again the week after next. The weird thing is it was completely identical, same grammer, same capital letters where there shouldn't have been, so she must have copied that message that she sent to my colleague on the Friday, and pasted it to me on the Wednesday. My colleague responded with a very brief "Yes nice to meet you, I'm sure Elena will let you know the details" because she didn't know what else to say! My friend then asked colleague how she was, but she ignored it.

I can't help but think there is something missing in this.. I was taking it all in until she asked to go again... thats when I thought something was not quite right. How close a friend is she? and if she was as unfamiliar with your town as needing a tour of the sights, why will she be there next week? and how did she know what you did every Thursday? How close a friend is this? She sounds vile, and an attention seeker, and I can only assume that, like a lot of attention seekers, she thinks her histrionics are amusing to others, and she wants another chance to perform. Seriously, I wouldn't give this nightmare the time of day. Yes, you should be embarrassed, not just by her, but by your insane feebleness in allowing her into your life at all.

How close a friend is she- close, known her since secondary school

If she's unfamiliar and needs a tour of the city, why will she be there next week- She won't unless she'll be out with us, that's the only reason she'd be coming (getting weirder isn't it?)

How does she know about your plans every Thursday- We speak regularly on Facebook, and I post pictures.

UPDATE So for those who didn't see my update, here's the last part of it...

Friend: I was quiet because you were all talking about holidays and travelling and I haven't been abroad since school. Then you started talking about Donald Trump who I know nothing about. Maybe your friends could have made more of an effort to get to know me and talk about something I'm interested in?

I didn't respond to that as it was getting late and I was fed up with the whole thing, so I went to bed. I woke up this morning and saw she'd sent another message last night an hour later, saying "Even though I feel like I have the right to be angry, I've decided I won't be because it seems too petty to argue about. I think your friends could have made more of an effort, and the coffee thing seems like nit picking. You couldn't tell me what was so wrong with getting a coffee from next door, just that it wasn't the done thing. To me that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for Kate to talk to me like that and to not invite me. This is all making me feel like I'm in Mean Girls where I can't sit with you."

After this I lost patience, and replied:

"Okay I feel like you are backing me into a corner here. I've tried my best not to make things awkward but you everything I'm saying is just going through you, and it's draining the energy out of me. You joined our group and I thought we were having what would be considered a normal conversation over dinner, you don't have to be a traveler to contribute to the conversation. As for the Donald Trump thing, he's pretty mainstream right now. If you don't know much about him, why didn't you ask? Also looking back now, I realise my colleagues didn't mention work as much as they would usually, so to me that looks like they were making some conscious effort not to exclude you.

I'm not going to get into the coffee incident any further, to be honest it wasn't just about the coffee. You were bringing the mood down a bit by complaining about the food, when you knew we were doing to that restaurant. Also making a fuss over 70p didn't help, couldn't that have gone towards the tip? That was a rhetorical question by the way, I can't be bothered getting into this anymore. Like I said, I don't want to fall out with you and don't want things to be awkward. I'm leaving the ball in your court and hoping we'll laugh about this some time soon."

Well, I don't think we will. She replied:

"70p might not seem like a lot of money to you but it is to me, I don't earn a lot like you. And I didn't find it embarrassing at all, I'm not required to pay a penny more than I have to. Why would I tip when I didn't enjoy my meal? It was already expensive for what it was. And I don't have to get involved in a conversation when I don't want to. I don't really care about what Donald Trump has to say, what has he got to do with us?"

I don't earn "a lot of money", and she doesn't even know my salary! Speaking of which, in all fairness to her, she did open up a bit at one point... She told them apart her part time job and hobby, and that she only works X amount hours per week so she can still receive jobseekers allowance and afford to put time into her art

Do you even want to be friends with her anymore?

Honestly I have no idea now, she's really annoyed me. I'm just not going to get through to her am I?

And I don't have to get involved in a conversation when I don't want to. I don't really care about what Donald Trump has to say, what has he got to do with us?"

I think those statements/questions say it all.

She is behaving like a particularly sullen and petulant teenager.

I think I'd be dropping her like a hot potato.
At best she's rude and at worse she's a nasty self pitying cow...

OP It seems the more you say to your friend to explain your feelings the more she'll defend her behaviour, because it seems like she just doesn't want to see your point of view. It could be crippling shyness that is causing her reaction, I was shy when I was young and it can make people quite defensive. I'm talking late teens/early twenties though, not by the age of 30. If it had carried on by then I'd be a bit worried about myself.

Instead of explaining yourself give her the responsibility, as she needs to take responsibility for herself, shy or not, skint or not. Part of being shy is that you silently want everyone to do everything for you, as you feel scared to do it yourself, to expose yourself, so to speak.

Ask her what she wants from these evenings out, as she didn't seem to be enjoying herself. Reflect her words back to her, "ok so you don't like the food, you don't like the conversation, you don't agree with my/our approach to social norms (the coffee bollocks) so why do you want to come" keep it short, and avoid getting into the ins and outs of why it went wrong.

You might get a more honest, less defensive response that way. It sounds like hard work though. She'll need to have some insight into her behaviour to be able to speak honestly. Not what you need really on a relaxing night out!

What I just can't understand is why she is so keen to be involved again given that she didn't enjoy the food, the conversation, the expense or the attitudes of the people there?!?

I definitely think this friendship sounds like more effort than it's worth from your perspective...

Oh dear, did you reply back to her? I wouldn't bother with anymore if I'm honest

OMG, she is being really really thick and determined to have an argument isn't she! How self absorbed is she! I don't like spending more than I have to but 70p is not a lot of money ffs!

I'd just say, "I'm done with this now" and leave it.

Fuck me! Even when I was on JSA and be very careful with my money, I wouldnt have been that bothered about 70p.

Saying that, how many hours a week does she work?