To refuse to speak to health visitor..

[Vickyyyy]

I know this is a controversial subject to begin with but I am prepared to be flamed if it happens

I suffer health issues. I am in a massive amount of pain a lot of the time, for hours and hours at a time. I am on strong pain meds to help but even the likes of oxycodone don't take it away completely. I had an operation a few months back to try and fix this pain and unfortunately the operation went wrong leaving me in more pain than ever before. I do struggle and am prepared to admit this. I can push myself to do things through the pain..doing so make me a LOT more ill later in the day though. My partner is pretty much my fulltime carer right now. The pain is at its worst on a nighttime, especially if I have pushed myself through the day, and it is as of yet undiagnosed, though my physio appointments start next month which should hopefully shine a bit of light on what the actual issue is...Anyway...

Last week, the health visitor appeared out of nowhere, as she always does, no phonecall to say she is coming or anything...and usually around 9/10am when sometimes I am still sorting kids breakfast, bath, dressed routine. Seemingly no reason for visit except for weighing (nearly) 2 year old. Fine. 10 mins and she goes. Everything seems fine. Asks where Dh is, I explain that his mother has taken ill and he is helping her in her home for a few hours.

The next day another unarranged visit. Kids have just went off it, sitting room looks like a bomb has hit it as every toy is on the floor. Yes, maybe I should have better control of my kids and make them sit quietly, but I will NEVER be that mum. I prefer them to have fun, they don't behave like this out of the house, and really, what harm does it do if they go wild for an hour or so? Anyway, health visitor comes in and immediately starts ranting about 'home conditions' that she noticed on her visit the day before. When pressed, it seems the issue was a knife on the kitchen bench, medication on the bench and another bench that had a tea stain on it. And some rubbish outside. I agree there should not have been a knife (was used for cutting up fruit..I don't like 2 year old having whole pears and such so I cut them) or medication (had taken it an hour or so prior to visit, was not my strong medication but I guess thats not the point) out on the bench...but the kids don't go in the kitchen alone so I don't see it as a massive issue or anything. The rubbish..I am awaiting the council collection of, its things like our old cot and cooker (replaced recently) and packaging that the new ones came in. Despite paying 20 quid for collection, apparently the first available date for pickup is 27th may...

So, this health visitor proceeds to spend half an hour telling me pretty much how useless I am. I have gone over what she said and no I am not overreacting. 'You are not the only person with 2 young kids' 'other people manage to watch toddlers and clean at the same time, why can't you' and such. This is after she already knows my health issues make a lot of things a huge problem for me at the moment. Told me Dh should not be spending so much time with his (ill) mother if I need help at home and its 'clear' I am not coping with the kids when hes not here. This horrific visit ended on the note of her saying if I don't follow her checklist exactly, she may have to call child protection! For the sake of a bit of mess..really? I will always favour letting the kids have fun over obsessive cleaning. I will always favour actually playing with the kids over doing a few dishes right now that could be left until the kdis are asleep...is this..unusual? I always thought this would be how most saw things.

So I was slightly hysterical at this point but trying to keep it together so as not to scare the kids. I told DH when he returned home and he said that he would deal with it next time she comes. But I don't want to see her at all anymore. I have seen a very cruel side of her. I am not proposing cutting off contact with the kids, as hubby is willing to deal with further 'appointments' (and he says there will be appointments, not unannounced visits as it has been for months). I just don't want to be there when she is. I am worried I may get a 'black mark' and be marked as a problem or something due to me unwillingness to be made to feel like dirt on the bottom of someones shoe. I don't know what I expect out of this thread tbh..its just good to get it all out. I don't understand whats gone wrong, she has been lovely at all other visits (though hubby was there for others, last week he spent a lot of time with him mother who is ill). I don't know if she was just having a bad day, if she really does think I am a shit mum, if she is bullying me for fun or something..if shes trying to motivate me top get better, which would be lovely if it was that easy...or what

(Checklist is things like clean kitchen completely. Get rid of rubbish outside and that, easy to follow and already done but thats not the point.)

I haven't read all of the replies yet but there seems to be a trend of people wanting to know why the health visitor is still coming out as it wouldn't happen with just a speech delay. She is still coming out at my request. When I changed my previous health visitor I was given the option of having no health visitor at all but I do find the extra support and advice helpful so I asked if I could have a switch rather than cease contact.

No A+E visits for over a year. last time wasn't an accident, was my daughter getting something called bronchiulitus that she used to get every time she had a cold..poor mite. Never been with an accident.

I am expecting her today as she hasn't been for over a week now. Place looks kinda like a bombs hit it again but I refuse to run round picking every toy up every time one is on the floor..I don't think that will matter tbh as shes never really mentioned the state of the sitting room before as its only ever toys all over the floor. Kitchen is back how it used to be so no issues there, as I said it was back normal again once hubby got back that day. So yeah..sods law says she will come while hubby is out doing the shopping but I am so much calmer today and think I can deal with asking her whats actually the issue. I had honestly never looked at it properly from a professionals point of view and I do see now why it was such an issue, though I do still disagree that she had to be quite so harsh :p

Sorry but would it not be normal for people to have a quick tidy up when having anyone round

My sw always said she always presumes that a house is about 10% messier than when she visits so if your house if a bomb site she may presume that's what it's like with a tidy round so even messier

Also you say your house is not dirty not wanting to offend but people have Diffrent perceptions of clean and tidy

I think if you cancel she will make a refferal you don't have to have a hv but it has been shown when looking back over child protection those children who have come to harm the parents have refused HV I most cases so it will pric the ears

Mines coming today I had a quick tidy round nothing major and make sure I have milk in

Place was spotless this morning, have picked up the toys twice already and I am just fighting as losing battle when they are both here, they seem to think its a game...who can throw the most toys into the middle of the floor once mammys cleaned up..its just a complete waste of time.

Also I would have a quick clean up if I was expecting someone. Issue is, I am not technically expecting anyone, I just think shes about due to turn up. I could be wrong and spend the next week picking up every toy they throw on the floor the second it happens and her still not come..then the one day I don't stress myself no end chasing the kids round from the second they get up, she will come.

Read the OP. UNANNOUNCED.

Now I think about it, has she got your email address and phone number correctly recorded somewhere?

My Mum was a HV and would print out letters and take them to the post room, and many many people would say they never received them.

boombooms post is excellent.

If she has previously been ok Vic do you think it literally is a case of the knife and meds ?
You started off the thread (I feel but correct me if I'm wrong) by minimising those two things.
I'm just wondering if it was more your attitude about it, rather than being mortified, you told her the kids don't go in the kitchen alone and probably therefore see other concern aside.

This would concern me more than the meds left out as I would worry what else could be accessible if that makes sense
Not explaining this well am I!

Also agree that cyclizine is a nasty little bugger of a medication and just as dangerous as an opiate in a child. Vitamins can also kill though, the fact is, they just can't be reachable.

We all like to think we're infallible and that our kids have a modicum of sense but it just isn't the case, and she's exposed to the consequences probably daily.

The rest of your house sounds completely normal to me, we would t have even been dressed at that time

You left a knife and medication on a bench in full reach of children. You say they don't go into the kitchen alone which i doubt is true but it's always possible. And even if with you it would take a split second for them to grab them. If you don't think that isn't a problem then maybe you do need help. Why on earth would you leave them there?

Honestly, it sounds like you need social services support. You aren't coping and are in terrible pain. You leave medication and knives in reach of your small children and don't seem to understand that this is a huge problem. You have 5 children in the house every week.

I would ask for a referral to social services rather than be pushed into one.

When you say "the kids don't go into the kitchen", do you mean you have a child/stair gate across the door? That's really the only way I can keep DS out of there. We also have a stair gate on the door to the study because it's impossible to keep that room completely child-friendly.

Also, I may have missed the post in which you clarified this, but did you mean the knife and meds were on the kitchen worktop, or on a low bench? It does seem likely to me that, if she's used to the house being relatively clean and tidy when your DP is around, she may have been surprised or dismayed by it being less well-ordered because he wasn't there, especially with the meds and knife in reach of your kids (if they actually were).

Just a small observation. I used to keep my contraceptive pills in my bedside cabinet. It had a child proof lock. At 15 months my ds pushed down the plastic catch, opened the drawer and popped out 4/5 while I was putting away some laundry. He could not have reached tablets from a worktop until he was about four and by then knew that tablets were not to be messed with; not that they would have been accessible at that stage because I had a cupboard with a key fitted after the pill episode. Which the GP thought was amusing and confirmed he would come to no harm.

We used to have a gate on the kitchen door until son could open them so now it seems a bit..pointless. They don't go in the kitchen as they have been told over long periods of time that they aren't to go in the kitchen alone because it is usually 'hot' in there (obviously meaning cooker may be on and such). Yes I am relying on them being good like usual and I guess if one was to work themselves they could technically get in there...just..they don't, or haven't tried for a very long time at least. If they want a drink or something they tell me, or drag me/hubby over to the kitchen to get one.

Pills (and knife) were on kitchen worktop. Kids can't actually reach it BUT they could if for some reason they decided to drag something over to climb on or something.

I need to stop talking on here as its rather awkward but I seem to have been identified :S

'if she's used to the house being relatively clean and tidy when your DP is around, she may have been surprised or dismayed by it being less well-ordered because he wasn't there'

And this was exactly the problem, as it turns out :)

Call up the main office, say that you love having the HV support but would like to request a different health visitor. You're allowed to do that. You don't have to like her.

God OP, what an interfering old cow.

FWIW I used to be a HV and I can tell you right now that I NEVER noticed how untidy a persons home was (you should see mine) but I did notice the very very spotlessly clean ones, mainly because I felt very inferior in them . In fact I was the health visitor for challenged families everywhere who are dealiwoth lots and haven't alsways got time to get to the housework.

You do not have to let her in again, you don't have to let ANY health visitor in again but if you do wish to then get into the community matron for health visitors and ask for someone who is not judgemental.

That HV needs to come round here...I would soon tell her where to go.

Hi sorry I have read the full thread but I just wanted to say that here in Scotland you don't actually have to interact with the health visitor you can go to the surgery and say you no longer wish to deal with the health visiting team and you would now like you dr to take over your child's care. I know people who have done it as they felt their Heath visiting team were in their words "Out to get them" it may be worth a look to see if you can do this were you live if you would prefer this or just get your husband to deal with her next time.

Sorry you've had such a terrible experience.

The knife and pills I understand the health visitors concerns with children you can never be too careful with these things.

The health visitor shouldn't of made you feel inadequate. Call the office and either request a different health visitor or look at taking the child in to see her which from your post I understand this may be difficult.

This is certainly odd, and while I wouldn't avoid contact with health visitors completely in your case, I would certainly be making a complaint about her and requesting a different health visitor.

Really?

The knife and the meds are a concern?

Am I missing something, but was the OP not present and in the same room as her children with these in a different room on countertops, not lying on the floor or within easy reach?

We are just so risk-ridiculous these days. Maybe I've misread it but unless these things were accessible in a room in which there was no supervision, I'm not sure why it would be assumed that the HV didn't just interrupt tidying by arriving in the middle of something.

The OP said she'd left them on a bench. She later changed it to worktop. That's why it's been seen as very concerning.

"The OP said she'd left them on a bench. She later changed it to worktop"

MIL calls worktops benches. It's a dialect thing.

Sorry, benches/worktops are the same to me.

Here a bench is something you sit on. Completely different height. That's why a lot of people, myself included, expressed concern.

I never even thought of that..everyone here calls worktops benches...the kitchen bench is what we put kettle etc onto. Maybe its a Northern thing or something.