To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

I'm pretty shocked and disgusted at the ignorance from so many posters here excusing away what the other mother did! Just because she has a child with SEN doesn't mean she gets a free pass on common decency, and doesn't mean her words are any less hurtful and vile

Who's excusing it? People aren't suggesting the OP ignores it. They're saying deal with it in a grown up way that doesn't ostracise the person for what may have been either ignorance (the number of Americans I've met who think 'spaz' is totally fine and have no idea of its origins) or an incredibly stupid mistake.

Find out her motivation and reaction before casting her into the outer darkness, that's all.

My friends were talking about an upcoming street party and as I groaned, one said 'but Lougle, it's a 20's theme '. My reply was 'that won't stop DD1 being a pain in the arse'. Now, I love DD1 (10.5, SN, squiffy brain MRI, special school) more than I can tell you. Thankfully, my friends know that she finds big events challenging and it isn't the most fun trying to manage her at them.

This Mum has used a disgusting word. However, if her child reacts anything like DD1 has reacted at times, spastic isn't too far short - rigid limbs, fixed away from torso, utterly impossible to bend or move. So whilst the derogatory sentiment of 'spastic' is grim, the medical term is still valid and does still apply to the rigidity of limbs.

I think you need to ask yourself quite why you've taken such offence at this word said by this woman. I've found it offensive when people on a forum use 'retard'. I usually find that pointing out that my daughter fits the criteria of 'retarded' and what it actually means, results in people being more careful with their words.

This woman was seeking support and she got cut off for speaking the wrong language.

For God's sake the irony of poster upon poster piling on here to call the OP a 'nasty bully'!

OP you don't deserve this flaming.

I understand, you are shocked and put off by this woman's dubious use of an offensive word. It DOES matter what language we use.

However you and your friends in the group are really not handling this the right way. This woman doesn't deserve being snubbed just because no-one will grow a pair and talk to her. Yes it's awkward having these kind of conversations but you have to say something: 'Hello X, this is a bit awkward but I have to let you know your use of the word 'spastic' has upset some of us as it's archaic and offensive, I hope you don't mind me pointing that out but I think you ought to know why you might have noticed some frostiness '

I'm not defending the word btw, it was offensive. I don't even allow the word stupid to be used as my dd has learning difficulties and thinks she's stupid. She isn't.

It's an unpleasant word, but your behaviour towards her is even more unpleasant. She used an offensive word towards her own child and immediately realised she made a mistake - she doesn't deserve to be ostracised and punished for it

Yes its not the most edifying of words but it doesn't make me a terrible person worthy of ostracising - if you feel that it does then it is bloody lucky I don't need you as a friend and have plenty of my own

Interesting cross post. Continuing to use a word when you know it is upsetting and considered offensive and demeaning by a group of people, because you're using a word that describes the disability of people they love and care about as a means of telling your dog (or anyone else) that they've behaved like a clumsy arse, is really quite something. And the feeling is mutual - I'm glad I've got friends and mostly know people who give a flying fuck about other's feelings - and particularly the feelings of people who are already vulnerable.

I'll ask again, are there any words you do find offensive?

Where I come from (in Asia) there are still spastic societies. My best friend's kid brother goes to a 'Spastic Society of X' (name of our city) school. Till I signed up to MN I didn't even know it was an offensive word. Ignorance is no excuse but just to say that in many countries the word is used as a mainstream one. But then again it isn't used as a pejorative in those countries so perhaps hasn't had the same backlash.

But in your situation, as someone said, you are not ostracising the woman. You are also by association ostracising her child, because of a word her mother used. I think that's terrible.

There is no irony here sneakyminders

The OP has come here to canvass opinions on whether she is being unreasonable, to take part in the silent bullying of this woman.

She's getting opinions.

Context is everything. It's supposed to be a support group

Sneaky she asked and we are telling her what we think. This is AIBU and the consensus seems to be yes.

Spare change

I don't agree with hounding for other terms used either and I think it's utterly ridiculous when threads are deleted because people can't cope with seeing a word in 'print' that really ought not to have been used.

So it's more unforgivable to use a frowned-upon word than it is to ostracise a member of a support group for children with special needs?

I think your moral compass needs recalibrating

Are you sure she didn't mean to say 'ballistic' ? Sounds like a slip of the tongue to me.

Yes, Clara is bang on. Context is everything.

I have had multiple thread bun fights with people about using 'retards'. I challenge it every time I hear it. I have no truck with people using terms associate with SN as an insult. My son is not a derogatory term. Fuck that.

Having said that, to close ranks in a support group and exclude a woman is hideous and such an over reaction I don't know how you can look yourself in the mirror.

The outrage of the mainstream community is fair enough. But we have children with SN. We know the grief, the fights, the loneliness and the hopelessness.
Knowing that and still choosing to isolate her is horrible beyond measure.

i should think people who have children with special needs find things rather difficult and isolating at times. This woman is probably even more isolated now. all because she used a wrong word that probably slipped out. ok not great but can anyone honestly say they have never ever chosen the wrong word or slipped out with one.

i dont think people are being very nice to her and maybe someone should hold out an olive branch

I'm all for people taking care to avoid language that is exclusionary or prejudiced, but this is a perfect example of the way language-policing on its own is an utterly inadequate substitute for common decency.

Ugh. You sound nasty. Your group members sound nasty. Double ugh.

Hope she finds another group with, you know, humans in it. Bleeurgh. Who died and made you the word police anyway?

I'm not excusing the use of the word either. But I will not sit in self-righteous judgement for the use of an offensive word and use that as an excuse to ostracise a person. Oh the irony of getting all het up over a word spoken, whose use is momentary and has no extended effects, and using that as justification for continuous and calculated horrible behaviour to a fellow human being.

Continuing to use a word when you know it is upsetting and considered offensive and demeaning by a group of people, because you're using a word that describes the disability of people they love and care about as a means of telling your dog (or anyone else) that they've behaved like a clumsy arse, is really quite something.

Well, it was to my dog and there was no one else in the immediate vicinity. If I had said it to a small child in the street yes very shocking and worthy of note.

I don't particularly like the word cunt and yet people use that on here all the time. But now I come to think of it, I don't find any actual word shocking - words are interesting and their derivation interests me. I find the use of them shocking, yes. I would be very shocked to hear anyone refer to anyone as a nigger.

I think I'm more offended by your behaviour than the word she used. She obviously never intended to hurt anyone. Poor woman. Terrible word, but she wasn't saying it in a bullying tone about someone else. A slip up only.

Sounds like she could do with a little support, rather than being ostracised. However, maybe she's better off without you all as you all sound rather horrible

Not everyone is well educated or aware about what words are acceptable now and in some cases it's hard to keep up with what is the "correct" term. Obviously spastic has been frowned on for a long time now, but maybe this woman didn't get the memo (no one has explained it to her). I see it discussed on mn often, but have rarely heard it talked about in real life.

I would have more sympathy for you if you had at least attempted to explain to her why it's not used these days. No one is going to say that it's ok to use that word, but no one is going to say that being horrible to someone is justified either.

I hope she finds a different group.
The calculated reaction to her error would indicate to me that you really are not the supportive person/group you purport to be.
If I were her I don't think I would ever really feel safe and at ease sharing my difficulties with you.
Perhaps she was using spastic in its medical definition? but you didn't even bother to find out.
You just hoiked your collective bosoms and were nasty.

So this woman was saying how much she struggled, just like all of you, and she made ONE mistake and people think it's OK to exclude her?

Wow, talk about compassion....

I suppose the people in the group are the same who expect people around them to all understand that their DC has a SN and therefore cannot do X and y and to accept that their behaviour, coming from SN or not, is annoying...
That's very much a case of do what I say but not what I do....

Very innocent question from someone who doesn't have children with special needs but doesn't want to say something so offencing. What's wrong with spastic?
I would have assumed they meant someone had a tantrum or reaction so severe that they went rigid?