To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

She was describing a behaviour of her child and by the sounds of it wasn't thinking. Her child has sn so I can't see that she used the word to cause offence and neither did she say it about someone else's DC. You and the group however have gone out of your way to ignore this woman. I think that you and this group owe this woman an apology for the way you have treated her. Next time, pull the person on the spot. You even said that she seemed to want the ground to swallow her up...

My mind is boggling at these "wide births"

• lived.

So not one of you had the backbone to take her aside, and point out the word is offensive?

I hate to say this, but you come across as a bunch of bitchy cowards.

What a horrible way to treat the woman. She probably has no idea what she has done and considering not one of you is mature enough to tell her, I don't think she's the worst person in this scenario.

Competitive political correctness, weaponised.

Please give her another chance.

It wasn't OK and I understand your shock.

However, unfortunately, you are going to have to get used to ugly words if you have a child with SN. This is a great opportunity to practise putting your big girl pants on and say 'I find that word very distasteful, please don't use it around me again.'

Then move on.

how can someone with autism "reclaim" that word?
thats confused me as Spastic is CP not autism.

We all make occasional mistakes. I once said my dad was like Widow Twanky because he was always washing and ironing. I meant no offence but his wife had terminal cancer at the time. This was 11 years ago and I still feel dreadful about it.

YABU

You are behaving in such a horrible manner towards someone for ONE word? That's absolutely disgusting.

Yes, we all agree it's not a nice word. She is struggling, she is trying to get help. Maybe it slipped out of her mouth. Maybe she used it to try to explain how bad things get sometimes, using an awful word for an awful situation. Maybe she misunderstand the meaning of the word. Maybe she was being literal.

She is so much better off without someone like you, judgmental, petty, unkind and cold. I hope you won't meet people like yourself the day you need help. Who put you in charge of that group anyway?

Say something like "I found your use of that word offensive and upsetting. Please don't use it any more"

What would you say?
you'd say, I'm sorry that I've been avoiding you but you upset me by saying this word.
you owe her an explanation and a chance to realise that it isn't a nice word!

Really? I think it's an over reaction, everyone slips up.

This is exactly the kind of thing that gives women a bad name - and enables us to be judged as 'bitchy' and 'two-faced'.

Either have the courage of your convictions and say something or stop being pathetically passive-aggressive - cold-shouldering someone (who clearly realised what they said and was mortified), and giving them a wide berth.

It's so incredibly childish.

She's not come back since that day

Well let's just hope she has found support somewhere else then, otherwise that would be pretty fucking unfair wouldn't it. Mind you these groups are hardly a dime a dozen so it's unlikely she has anywhere to go.

I don't think she meant to say it

And yet you still ignore her.

So a woman arrived at your group, clearly struggling with her child's SNs. Feeling isolated and limited with what she can do. She uses a word that she really shouldn't have used but may not have fully realised the offence it would cause. She didn't use it in a laughing or pejorative way, she used it to try and describe her DC's behaviour.

And now you have excluded her, punished her and left her even more isolated and unsupported. No attempt to actually address the problem or learn from her mistake, just cut her dead.

Lots of words and terms that were once in common usage have (rightly) fallen out of favour as they have become (or perhaps always were) derogatory. A lot of peer education goes into this process because people aren't always aware of the problem (I used to use 'fit' and 'meltdown' in normal conversation, now I don't, my mum used to work for the spastics society, now it's SCOPE).

She shouldn't have used the word when what she probably meant was 'rigid and physically uncooperative' but for you to isolate her for it? What do you do when somebody is purposely offensive, nut them? I/you/eveyone occasionally says offensive things accidentally. A little bit of mercy is called for.

Poor woman.

Maybe she has a dark and wicked sense of humour. You all sound judgey and joyless tbh.

Ricardian - exactly

Wow. Just wow.

This is everything that's wrong with society atm.

Shame on you all.

Wow, so you have cut this woman off from the support and potential freindships with parents of children with SN for using an offensive word, without the opportunity to understand the offence and offer an apology?

Let's hope she is not a parent of a child with SN who feels desperately isolated. What a drastically unkind solution to an easily fixed issue.

Do you not think perhaps she finds your behavior just as if not rather more hurtful then her use of a word a have a severely autistic child who also has learning disabilities I personally don't find the use of the word retarded in the right context offensive m but I, m aware a lot of people so so would never use it.

Going against the grain here, but I would not want to associate with anyone who uses that word so lightly. It is a horrible, horrible word which causes deep offence to people.

Only on MN can we see frothing people reporting threads and asking for them to deleted because 'moron' is used, and then see people excusing away the casual use of 'spastic'

I have *